In my Mind

In my mind, I am lost, locked with no way out. The darkness surrounds me, thoughts running busily along the roads. They are shouting for the nerves to respond. I am struck by the reality that the thoughts are more locked in then I am. My own despair has caused me to become to silly child, getting myself locked accidentally into trouble. I must free these poor thoughts. First, I must get out so that I may help them. "HALT!" I scream. Nobody, nothing hears. "STOP! YOU CAN BE FREE!" I strain my voice, hoping for a glimmer of hope to grow. The thoughts whirl on, to busy in their lives to care about mine. With only a moments hesitation, I jump into the whirlwind of thoughts. Bumping, bruising, scratching, cutting. I end at the other edge, barely alive. My own thoughts are trying to kill me. No more time for them, I must save myself. Closing my eyes, I think of the last real scene I ever saw. A lunch table, a conversation with frayed edges. I concentrate, my thought only on that. And in my mind, the thoughts slow, working harder as they launch me out. My head snaps to focus. "Sorry Hillary, what did you say?" I must find time to free my thoughts. "Wait," I stop her mid-sentence, "I got an F- in science, I'm going to fail the eighth grade, you haven't been the best friend lately, I'm sick of you bossing me around, I hate that all you talk about is yourself and your designer clothes that your parents bought all for you. I'm not your friend anymore because you've caused me pain and you have let me inflict it upon myself. Friends should care. You don't so why bother pretending..." I leave it unfinished, something more to say. My thoughts have rested, I have set them free. My mind can't hurt me anymore so I stand up, leaving my lunch tray, and go. I can think new thoughts and regrets later...for now, I only have my mind.

Author's Note

I came up with this spur of the moment and just kept writing until I had finished. I didn't know where this was going. I just had a title to guide me. Tell me what you think.

Reviews

[The Lit Wit]

Hello!
Here’s a super short review of your story. I hope that it helps!

THE STRUCTURE:

"STOP! YOU CAN BE FREE!!!!!!!!!!"

-Structurally, readers tend to not be able to stand more than one exclamation mark per sentence, as it annoys them because the exclamation mark in itself is like a mental shout at the end of a sentence and adding more tends to be overkill. The same general rule applies to using capitals with exclamation marks, it is like shouting on top of shouting. It is a visual technique that doesn’t add any meaning and distracts the readers, like writing a story in pink font. It doesn’t add meaning and many readers find it off-putting.

THE PLOT:

-This isn’t technically a plotted short story, it’s more of a stream-of-consciousness poem. This is because it jumps from thought to thought as they occur to the character and there’s virtually no setting or details about the scene or how the character can physically “see” thoughts running down roads.

-There is a lot of potential for this to become a powerful and experimental surreal short story, but, without more length and depth, it’s only a character in one scene and in the present with a brief flashback.

[Phillitup]

Thank you for this extremely detailed and thought-out review. I appreciate you taking your time to do this for me. I removed all but one of the exclamation marks but I kept all of the capital letters. I feel a need to WAY over exaggerate that line.

I don't mean for it to be plotted because the essence of the mind just isn't.

Thanks again for your review!

Very gratefully,

Phillitup

[The Lit Wit]

No problem, I respect your choices.
Glad to be of help!

And if you're seriously interested in critiquing, I'd recommend checking out http://literatirevolt.com/. I use it all the time to swap for longer reviews.

Thanks,
-LitWit

[marie]

I love that the character finally found his courage to speak his mind we all need to take notes from him:)

[Leigh]

Theres a great flow to this that immediately as a reader brought me in and in that you have set the atmosphere so right. I got a detailed snapshot that perhaps portrays how the mind sometimes works, I like the line 'a conversation with frayed edges' thats good and thoughts running busilyalong roads. Great Phil, just great

[Phillitup]

Thanks

[scripted]

in my mind i thought this was good... when my thought came to words they didnt change... nice job. when in your mind anything is possible

[Hannah Jocks]

uh, uh, uh..... WOW!! It was really really really good! Short, but I loved it(:

[Phillitup]

thanks

[Hannah Jocks]

Yup! Great job!

[Jocie]

nice job. :)

[Phillitup]

I haven't spoken to you in FOREVER! I miss speaking to you! Thanks for the review!

[Jocie]

No problem.

[DIVYA]

Well Phillitup...you seemed to be having trouble aligning your thougts and facing trouble straightening them...which means...writers' block..?
Just let your mind be and it will be your best friend again, you'll see! :)

[Phillitup]

Thanks...I think. Are you referring to the story or how I wrote it? Thanks for reading and reviewing!