Ghostlike and Waiting

Ghostlike and Waiting

A Poem by dilettante1890
"

Transformation, self-destruction or both? Written a few years ago.

"



She breaks apart
the mirror glistens and hardens
She melts into her reflection
a pool of mercury--she beads into
bits at the bottom of a deep glass well

Icy skin shaved to razor thin

A snowy sweetness
lives where her lips lay closed
opening only to sigh
and gasp in an underwater silence.

She lives her life waiting
watching for the moon
freezing the sun with her smile
dancing on a bed of thorns

bleeding rubies, bleeding poppies

Cuting crosses into her thighs
and tear drops into her ankles
her body a mosiac of rage
an epic of lonliness rests upon her skin

She pulls it apart like a gauze veil and
watches the pieces float soundlessly away
she is a china doll chipping, in time she will reveal

A secret thing

A glistening pearl, a silent star.

© 2008 dilettante1890


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Okay, this is the first piece I'm reviewing on this website. I picked this piece simply because of the title and my love for and obsession with ghosts. Most of this I love. As a matter of fact, most of what I don't like is pretty petty, but I will mention it anyway in case it benefits you. But lets start on the positive. There's just some beautiful lines and beautiful imagery here. A hell of a lot of it. Some examples:

A snowy sweetness
lives where her lips lay closed
opening only to sigh
and gasp in an underwater silence.
---------------------

bleeding rubies, bleeding poppies

(I especially love that line)

---------------------------

She pulls it apart like a gauze veil

---------------------

etc.

Strong images, dark yet not cliche' which is easy to do with dark work. The poem more or less seems complete to me except for these very few irks that I have:

The mirror glistens...

The word glistens bothers me here. It seems like an easy choice and I believe you're capable of more than this. The rest of the poem is proof of this.

The other part that bothers me a little was the line about cutting tear drops into her ankles. For some reason I don't like the image. It seems almost comedic to me, whereas the crosses seem sad and brutal. It's hard to explain, but I think just the geometry of the tear drops doesn't have a strong impact as an image. Maybe that's just me. Like I said, probably pretty petty.

The only other thing I see that you may want to fix is that you mispelled the word cutting. You left one t out. Petty. I know. Yet necessary.

Overall, a strong piece. Dark, which I love, original, and visually forceful. All these comments are only my opinions, any which I hope benefits you in working on this piece and others.

Thanks for sharing!

GlaxoCrux





Posted 15 Years Ago


It's very dark, and elegant.
I love the word usage, but it doesn't quite flow perfectly.
Good work, though.

Posted 15 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Love the spooky imagery here...

Posted 15 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.


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Added on August 18, 2008

Author

dilettante1890
dilettante1890

About
As it is written... Try as I might to escape the cold reality of it---I am a writer. It is what I do best. It may not be what I do to earn a living, (though that is ultimately my goal) but it is wha.. more..

Writing