The Longing for Death

Death has a peace to it.

My sweet, sweet Anna, how I miss you. Four minutes from now I will behold the unraveling of the meaning of life before my eyes. It seems altogether pointless without you to witness it by my side. If I could I would give up the chance to wholly understand life just to have you here with me one more time.

Three minutes and this is who I've become. An old man with nothing left to live for besides the memories of old and a blind hope for the restoration of the past. To think that one year ago I could still relish on the embrace of your body on the melting of the night. Now it's just me and a cold, empty bed, soaking wet with tears of nostalgia. How I miss you, sweet Anna.

Two minutes to midnight, the hour of my birth. I think I'll fetch a cup of coffee to evade the thought of you. I remain a fool, though, as it haunts me throughout the entirety of my journey to the kitchen, never letting go.

As I look into the deep dark texture of the liquid coffee, I see reflected in it images of the two of us, together at last. If only it was real. If only the revelation that awaits me in a minute would provide something more than a vacuous confirmation.

When you were still with me I had meaning in my life, I had no need for mandatory lectures from destiny itself. It all seems so stupid. It is true what I feel, I know it with all my heart. I had meaning in my life when I had you. Now I have nothing but the constant pain in my chest you left behind.

Except the pain is real, it is here with me right now, at midnight. My poor and rusty heart is giving up on me, but I can't let go just yet. I still need to find what it means to be alive. I want to be free of the loss of you, Anna, but if I die now I will be rendered meaningless forever. One year without you as been far worse than any version of hell, I can't picture an eternity of it.

My numbing brain is running out of blood and the pain is almost unbearable. I could swear I can see you. It must be an hallucination, you are dead like I will be soon enough. But Anna, you seem so real, so tangible. Are those really your lips? They are more tender than ever, even more than when we were young. The taste of vanilla and cinnamon on them is more real and intoxicating than ever. I feel your warm embrace at last, this is no hallucination.

My eyes are closing, but I'm no longer afraid. You are real, and right at my side. This is what meaning feels like.