CHAPTER
14 - AFTERMATH pt 2
* *
*
This chapter is Rated: TEEN
Ok, this is continued from my time in the mental ward at All Saints Hospital (still non-fiction).
The tray ma'am watched to make sure there wasn't a problem, and there
wasn't, fortunately. It was definitely the last time I was going to give
away my salt packet.
I was the last to finish eating as I was thinking of a lot of things. I
don't really know if I wanna go in detail about the days I was there.
They were all structured, we had days of exercise where we moved our
arms and legs and sat in a chair.
The most disturbing of all was learning how to cope with stress, of how
to appear and present ourselves for job interviews when we got out as
apparently we were expected to immediately get employed.
Stuff like that. I know I remember wanting to go to bed earlier one day
and my nurse asked why and I said cause I gotta get up at 5am and bathe.
She said who told you ? And I said a fellow who comes to watch me wash.
She said really. I said yes ma'am, and can I please see Susan now, I
explained that was my Teddy Bear so I was introduced to the people in
the office, different from who was on the floor.
She smiled and showed me the way. I entered the office and it was all
women and they were very insistent. They said only if I did EVERYTHING I
was told, clean my plate of food every day, don't talk back to anyone,
attend all the classes, and don't give any trouble, THEN I could see
Susan.
I nodded. They said OK and gave her to me and it was like a wave of
warmth came over me. Not like the sunlight warmth but a deep inside
warmth that toasts you down to your toes.
I - hugged Susan. I remember falling against the side of the door to
look at her. I placed her in front of me with my mouth open in amazement
and reached up her fuzzy little arm to touch my nose and I saw her
smile at me and crinkle her cute little brown bear eyes. It was
wonderful. We were together again.
I could see that sometimes with Teddy Bears. They had a life of their
own they would show only to me, because I was patient enough to notice
it.
After several minutes of the women in the office watching me with big
smiles on their faces, they thought it would be funny to suddenly take
her away from me and I wasn't expecting that so I didn't fight back but I
sat on the floor staring ahead into empty space and then I started that
weird teeth-chattering thing like I felt cold again.
But one woman wouldn't have that since I did that when I first arrived
so she got up from her chair and came up to me and stooped down to kind
of gave my shoulders a weird and painful squeeze to make me aware of
what she was saying.
She said, "Now David, you had your time with - this. Now YOU need to do
as we tell you. You can see it tomorrow again, but ONLY if you behave.
Behave now, okay, hun ?"
I nodded and fought back the tears, "Yes ma'am."
"That's fine, now go to the 3rd room down the hall cause they are already talking about careers."
I left and entered the class and apparently it was okay for me to be
late or whatever it was. I remember sitting down and - there were odd
things talked about it. It was like I was failing school somehow on my
first day, I was failing - life ? It was all - a failure to me.
I remember someone next to me fell down screaming on the floor like what
they were saying didn't make sense and it hurt their ears.
It hurt mine too, a lot of it was like a buzzing in my ears, no-one had
ever talked -so- weird as they did, all grown-up like I knew things, and
I didn't. She was talking about life stuff but it was at an odd level,
like GRAY words, like life I never wanted to see or hear. Free of the
magic I saw in it.
I know my own Dad had never ever talked to me about careers or anything.
Just that he loved me, I was his son, and that was all that mattered in
the universe.
Her words clearly meant the absence of Teddy Bears forever. I sensed
that immediately, and that hurt me more than a knife going through my
chest. She talked so adulty.
She talked about having children and how to raise them and that brought a
look of bewilderment to my face. How - could I possibly raise a child
if I myself as a child was not raised properly ??
It was the whirr-chk-chk all over again. I closed my eyes tight and saw
the spinning red glowing helix. I remember telling my Mom about it and
her saying that it was an evil sign and she said a prayer over and over
again to make it go away when ever it showed up in my vision.
There were invisible chains that reached up in my mind's eye to bind it
down. There was an angry screech from it. It was -anger- I never wanted
to experience in real life and I hoped I never would.
I remember I started my teeth chattering thing again and I felt my grip
tighten on the chair and they were plastic and the handles cracked
beneath my grip I had sucha strong grip on them cause I was really upset
now.
She suddenly stopped talking hearing the breaking sound of my chair and got down to kneel at me, eye-level and said, "David ?"
"Yes ma'am ?" I said though tears were falling down and I felt my arms
start to get wet from tension and perspiration. I do that, if I have
what I call "The Storm" I start to put out water from every part of my
body until my clothes are soaked in sweat in only a few minutes, even in
an air-conditioned room.
And it felt like lightning was hitting my brain over and over again
until my voice slurred and my eyes were getting blurry and dilated.
"How are you feeling right now ?" she asked concernedly seeing water bead up on my bare arms.
I bit my lip and felt I could cut my teeth right through it, "I'm not
doing well, ma'am. You're talking strange stuff and it hurts my head. I
can't do this. I can't - listen to what you are saying."
She put her hand on my shoulder and my shirt was already getting damp,
"I'm sorry, David. I'm just doing my job here. I was told to talk at
this level and I know a lot of you have grown up sheltered and you're
not used to this kind of direct communication."
* * *
She stood back up, "Are you going to be okay, David ?"
"No ma'am." I said and then my head started trembling and shaking and I
felt like the bones in my neck were vibrating so fast I could feel heat
building up in them. I saw my toys flying in front of my eyes. I was
smashing them, little LEGOs, all the good toys I liked I never wanted to
break. I saw them breaking now. It made no sense !
She nodded thoughtfully, "That's fine, David. Why don't you go watch a little TV and I'll catch up to you later ?"
"Yes ma'am." I said and then staggered up as my muscles were all jerky
and water was collecting on my legs and I left. The other person who was
on the floor like they hadda stroke was carried away by two other
people and the 'instruction' went on.
One nurse followed me to the TV room and was very nice to me. She kept
putting her hand on my forehead like I hadda fever and feeling my pulse
too. And I suspect I did cause I was sweating up a real storm right now.
Finally she asked what I would like to watch.
"Cartoons ?" I implored.
"Sure." she said and turned on the Cartoon Network. We were never
allowed to touch the TV ourselves. She put the volume on low so as not
to disturb others.
There was a great episode with Yogi Bear as he was tricking Boo Boo into
diverting the ranger from seeing him riding on a truck so I watched
that. She sat with me for a moment and watched me intently. After a
little while she asked me to face her and shone a pen-light in my eyes I
guess to look at my pupils.
Then she muttered something to herself, I guess surprise. Finally she
nodded after a moment and said dinner would be in an hour and could she
find me here later and I said, "Yes ma'am."
She got up and left. I had a quiet dinner and sat away from everyone else, especially that guy that took my salt packet earlier.
I remember I was going to bed at night and before I did that the other
nurse showed up and said, "David, I thought about what you said earlier.
You need to know that you can bathe anytime you want in the morning.
It's okay to want privacy while you do this. Do you understand me ?"
"Yes ma'am." I said, not really understanding cause I know all my life I
NEVER had privacy when I did these things except at home. Even my Mom
bathed me till I was 12 when I would go visit her.
Then she crossed her arms angrily, "This person who is watching you
bathe. We want to know who he is. Can you tell us who it is, hun ?"
I shrugged, "I don't know ma'am. A big guy but he works here cause I know he has a shiny name-tag on, ma'am."
"Do you remember what name it said on the tag ?" she asked nicely.
I shook my head, no.
She sighed, frustrated, "We'll find out. If he shows up again, we'll know. Go to sleep for now."
I went in my room and she locked it behind me and I went to bed. Sure
enough at 5am the big fellow showed up again. He clicked and unlocked my
heavy metal door and said, "Let's get you cleaned up, son."
"Yessir." I said respectfully, I certainly didn't want any more arms pulled behind my back.
We got to the baths and he stood there as I took off my clothes and
sounded like he was breathing a little heavy which didn't make sense. It
wasn't that far a walk ? I didn't say a word. I handed him my terribly
nerdy glasses and he set them on the sink and then I stepped into the
shower.
And then I started to wash up with soap and a washcloth. It was the same
shower nozzle thingie on a rubber hose. Then it was odd, he stepped
closer and suggested the areas I needed to wash. I looked down and could
see he was getting his black shoes wet by standing so close to me in
the shower where it was splashing.
He asked if I shaved my arms or legs and I said nossir so then he asked
why they were so bare like a girl's and I said I was born that way, very
little body hair, sir, I think I'm a bit albino, and I turned around to
show I had no body hair on my chest at all.
But he was not looking at my face, but down, and biting his lip as if deciding something.
After a moment of his intense inspection, I finally turned around
embarrassed cause I knew I was naked. I saw his reflection in the tiles
ahead of me.
He nodded thoughtfully. He then said to wash down my chest, so I soaped
it up good there. Then he said I can't get my butt really clean unless I
bend over and get at it, and he said face the shower handles when I do
it. He had such a -commanding- and polite voice, it was scary.
It reminded me of one of the counselors at Camp Crucis when Dad sent me to camp when I was 10-years old.
I remember showering there and there was a counselor who said the same
thing. How to bathe cause I guess I didn't know how. To get that shower
nozzle all around my the front and back of my legs as he watched.
Well, I didn't want this other fellow mad so I said yessir to him and
bent over to spray it up there and then it sounded like his voice was
closer to me and it sounded like he was having trouble talking and said
make it nice and clean son.
I
said yessir, and bent over a little more cause I was a little afraid at
how close he was standing now and certainly didn't want to make him mad
cause he sounded like he was getting irritated or something.
And then, right then I had a flash memory, something - I was hit by a
belt in this position. Naked like I was. Suddenly I couldn't think of
anything else except that terrible belt, and I cried. It was long and
leather and had a big metal buckle. Sharp on the end, like a knife. It
really was quite scary. I know my knees started to shake in fear so I
had to concentrate to get them back under control.
* * *
To relax, I thought of the water swirling down the drain. Much like a
toilet did. Because I had so much experience with them from the bullies
back at school, I had to find comfort. And that was my comfort now.
Watching water going down the hole. I thought I felt a hand on my back
for a moment, pushing me deeper into the toilet and then the echo of laughter.
Then suddenly there was someone yelling behind me and the sound of
hurried movement. I got super scared and dropped the shower thingie and
it metal sproingled up against the side of the shower.
And
I backed up against the shower wall myself on my knees holding my head
with both hands cause I was confused and I had a headache cause it was
too early in the morning and I wasn't completely awake and I still was
seeing this terrible belt that wasn't there.
And that is also how I protected myself when I got in a fight with
someone in school. Usually I would just crouch down and cover my head
and then someone stuck their foot up against my head and told me not to
move and I said yessir.
Then a bunch of classmates collected all around while the other guy
still had his foot pushed against my head. Then someone took my hand and
dragged me up saying, "Come on. Let's go. You know where we're going."
And in truth I did after the first few times. And I cried on the way and
people patted me comfortingly on the back for being such a good sport
about it. I was going to get my head swirled in the toilet with everyone
watching instead of getting beat up in the hallway, and I don't know,
maybe that was better.
But back in the shower, I looked which was hard to do without my glasses
and it was blurry in the shower steam but I could see there were two
other people talking loudly to my counselor and I heard him saying, "I
wanted to make sure he's safe ! He's still a risk to himself ! I'm just
doing my job goddammit, let go of me !"
And then a different man approached and handed me a towel and asked if I
would like to finish bathing, and I said yessir, and he nodded and
stepped back and set the towel down on the sink and said, we'll talk
when you're done.
"Yessir." I said again, and I looked and it was that same woman nurse
and a different man who talked to me and they both closed the bathroom
door and I was alone in that metal bathroom as they stood outside and waited
for me.
I finished up and stepped out in my pajama-thingie and rubbed my hair a
bit cause it was still wet and it was just her and I was scared so I
asked if I was in any trouble and she said, "No, David. But I need to
ask you a few questions. I promise I won't keep you, and then you can go
back to sleep cause I know you're tired, Okay hun ?"
"Yes ma'am." I said. And I went in her office. I hadn't been in here
before so I was looking all around despite me being sleepy. And then I
noticed that she had a Teddy Bear of her own on the cabinet !
I stared intently at it and bit my lip angrily. That was just so unfair !
She had one and she worked here and I couldn't have mine and I LIVED
here !
"David, did he touch you in any way ?"
I was totally distracted by the Teddy Bear. It was white with a violet
scarf and said TCU on the chest. Words came to my mind. I knew what TCU
stood for but my brain wanted to make them out to something else. "The
Cuddle Unit." How could she have a bear and I couldn't ?? My mind
wandered and thought of Dad who used to work at TCU as a psychologist
himself.
And Dad did used to cuddle me when I was little. Where was my Dad now ?
I then thought of the bear jumping down from the cabinet to show me his
scarf and I actually reached my hand toward him on the cabinet,
beckoning him to do so, waiting for the bear, because I know Teddy Bears
showed me things other people couldn't see.
"David !" she said louder to get me to focus as I reaching out for empty air, "DID HE touch you ?"
Now, I remember Nancy asking me this, way back at work so I looked at
her a moment and remembered she asked the same thing, but I shook my
head, no.
"You're sure ? You DO KNOW what I'm talking about right ?" she wasn't going to let this go.
"Yes ma'am." I said, and then I told her about when Nancy asked me the
same thing and used my hand to point at my bottom and crotch and about
the woman from the lunchroom who sat so close to me while I was reading
my Conan The Barbarian comic book who put her hand on my knee and her
face got serious and her eyes wide as I told her and recalled the event
perfectly.
As I did her face warped and folded over itself clouding over in creepy
darkness. Mom told me I was seeing the true person when I did that. She
called it inverting.
It
scared me, but it usually only happened if I was deep in concentration
on something, which is why I get very irritated when someone is talking
to me when I'm busy doing something cause they're face all warps and it
looks weird to me.
And that's something I've always had, eidetic recall, but only on
certain things. And the reverse was true. Other things that people could
normally remember, I could not for some reason.
Although my ability at perfect recall of traumatic events has often
gotten me in trouble in life, especially at school cause bullies wanted
me to forget the mean things they did and hated it when I remembered it
so perfectly. And usually I got swirled for that too cause I wasn't
supposed to remember what they did to me earlier.
They laughed and said they were brainwashing me. And I do remember being
so dizzy from it all that - washing - I'd say whatever they wanted so
they'd let me go and I could dry off. So in a way, maybe it did make me forget
most of what they did.
Finally the nurse I was talking to looked normal again and broke the
still silence by saying, "I see. That's fine, David. You won't be seeing
this counselor again." and looked at my face for any indication of my
being upset.
"Is it did I go and do something bad ?" I asked cause sometimes I didn't know anymore.
* * *
She tilted her head quizzically, "No, David. He wasn't - giving you -
privacy. And you need your privacy when you go to the bathroom or if you
are bathing, do you understand what I'm telling you ? Privacy." she
smiled nicely at me like this was something new for me.
That word echoed in my head. Privacy. Suddenly I had painful memories from High School just with that one word.
When I went to go to the bathroom there the guys never gave me privacy
and if I was peeing they came behind me to kick on my legs to make me
pee on my underwear or if I was sitting on the toilet they sometimes
came up against me from the back and stuck their bare bare butt up in my
face which made me cry cause I knew it was mean and wrong.
None of those bathrooms had doors on them no matter what floor you were
on so you never got any privacy at all if you had to do your business.
No privacy. I mouthed the words to her.
"David ?" I heard her voice float from above. Then she murmured
something as if concerned. Finally she added louder but her voice had a weird echo to it as if my brain were getting starved for oxygen cause I forgot to breathe. "Where are you now
?"
For a moment I thought I could hear the mean boys' laughter from high school because the memory was so terrible.
And I felt tears well up in my eyes, trapped in the bathroom. Looking at
- well ... and yet somehow - I was reminded of snowflakes.
I peered intently ahead and saw the design of a snowflake ! Was that
something I needed to know about ? The mystical design of it, the
lattice network, all interwoven and spreading out in all directions with
it's beautiful frozen arms in mathematical beauty and certainty.
Lasting only a moment before it melted.
More vectored points than a cross ! That was VERY important to me indeed
! I reached out to carefully trace it with my finger against it as they
continued to crowd around and laugh at me. But I was definitely
thinking of something else than whatever they thought.
There WAS a message here ! I would much rather worship a snowflake in
this life rather than a cross because it was miracle of nature and
beautiful and REAL whereas the story of God and creation and stuff was
something from the Bible, a history book, and not something =I= actually
witnessed myself ! I was the kind of person that had to see things for
myself.
And besides, my Guardian told me otherwise about creation. And I DID see her.
And a snowflake collects by the millions and creates snow, and it's
beautiful ! The most beautiful thing in the world, next to Teddy Bears,
of course.
But in truth I would much rather look at a snowflake in an illustrated
book in the library and trace it's edges rather than the dirty thing
this mean boy was shoving up against my face in the bathroom.
I felt pressure build up in my ears as I forced myself to shut out their cruel and derisive laughter from the past.
And then my memory got blurry again, something bad happened here, but I
don't know what, because I blocked it out long ago. Something from
Middle School.
Then a woman's stern voice. The Mother I never had. I always hear her
whenever I am put into something stressful. And the same exact four words
each time.
"Where do you belong ?"
"David, are you alright ... ?" she now asked with a bit of concern in
her voice seeing me leaning forward slightly with my finger in the air. I
was still lost in deep thought about the past.
I suddenly realized she had asked me a question and I coughed to catch my breath as I had indeed stopped breathing.
"Yes ma'am." I said putting my hand down and blinking my eyes hard and
nodding my head vigorously up and down, trying to focus on what she was
saying and clearing my mind of the past.
Her voice had an odd sound of concern to it seeing the way I was
reacting earlier. "Fine. It is fine, isn't it David ? Are you fine now ?
Can you tell me were a moment ago ?" she said watching me intently.
"You can tell me, sweetie." she added in an encouraging tone.
I was quiet. I certainly didn't want to tell her about the bullies back at school and what they did.
In the following silence she sighed. Then she spoke more cheerfully,
"Starting tomorrow, we're going to transfer you to the next floor down
which has less security. I think you're ready for that now, aren't you,
hun ?"
I didn't care about that. I reached again for the bear in her cabinet
and she noticed and she finally realized what I craved right now.
She raised her voice at me, not angrily, just louder, "David ! You can
have your - toy with you when you go as I know that's important to you.
You're doing well and we want you to know that we're very proud of you
and the progress you're making here."
Then her tone changed to one of quiet confidence, "And we really would
appreciate it if you kept this little event about one of our counselors
helping you bathe, to yourself. Can you do that for us ?"
I looked her straight in the face and nodded cheerfully. Although I
guess I'm breaking that agreement now by talking about it, but I always
feel good getting my past out from the past and into the open. Like
Sybok told J'onn in the movie:
Sybok: "Your pain runs deep."
J'onn: "What do you know of my pain ?"
Sybok: "Let us explore it together. Each man hides a secret pain. It
must be exposed and reckoned with. It must be dragged from the darkness
and forced into the light. Share your pain. Share your pain with me, and
gain strength for the sharing." |
Finally the nurse was done with me, "That's fine, David. Come on then,
I'll walk you back to your room." and she put her arm around my shoulder
and sorta hugged me. It was great, and I knew starting tomorrow I would
be able to hold Susan as long as I wanted and that warmed me to the
tips of my fingers.
END
OF CHAPTER 14
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