01. People must think it's fun to be a genius. But they just don't
realize how difficult it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
02. Coffee just isn't my cup of tea.
03. My idea of an agreeable person is one who agrees with me.
04. Get your facts straight first. Then you can distort them as you please.
05. In the court, an appeaser is one who feeds a hungry crocodile hoping it will eat him last.
06. Make happy those who are near, and those who are far will come.
07. By example isn't another way to teach, it's the only way originally.
08. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get to be rid of him for the weekend.
09. Why don't they make the whole plane out of that indestructible black box stuff ?
10. Some folks are wise while others are - otherwise.
11. Knowledge speaks but wisdom takes the time to listen.
12. Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love ? Me ? I save coupons to get a discount on my home-delivery pizza.
13. Santa really is a judgmental fellow. Judging you all the days of your life and rewarding you only once a year if you do good.
14. I'd be much happier at the office party if my co-workers weren't invited.
15. If you are talking behind my back you're in a good position to offer me another service behind.
16. Admit it. At one point in our life we all tried to balance the On/Off switch right in the middle just to see if it was possible.
17. I
hate weddings. Old people would poke me and say I was next. Later I
returned the favor and said the same thing to them at funerals.
18. I changed all my passwords to, "incorrect" so the computer could remind when I had forgotten.
19. I just read last year that 4,153,237 people got married. What I wanna know is - who married themself ?
20. I'm pretty sure chivalry was invented to always let a lady go ahead of him so he could check out her a*s.
21. Why is it when you run into a spider's web you suddenly become a ninja fighting it ?
22. Why is there a show called, "When Animals Attack" when it should be, "Stupid People Near Dangerous Animals."
23. No, I didn't trip. The floor looked like it needed a hug.
24. God loves me even if I don't forward all those chain-letters.
25. My Mother has never understood the irony when she calls me an S.O.B.
26.
Facebook is very much like jail. You sit around and waste time writing
on the walls, and get poked at by people you don't know.
27. Women are like the police. They can have every bit of evidence against you but still want to hear a verbal confession.
28. A
man asks a trainer at the gym what machine he can use to impress a
girl. The trainer takes him into the break room and points to the ATM
machine there.
29. Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.
30. Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the Cool People's Table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.
31. I get revenge on my G/F by tightening all the jars in her house so only I can open them.
32. You
know there's a problem when a drunk guy approaches you with a pick-up
line in a bar. You reply, is it you or the beer that's talking ? He
looks at the beer and says, shaddup, I'll take care of this.
33. Excited
husband shouts, pack your bags honey, I won the lottery. She replies,
wonderful ! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains ? He says,
doesn't matter to me, just get out already.
34. Threatening
to delete your Facebook is like running away from home as a child. You
only do it for attention and you know you'll be back.
35. My bank is the worst ! They charge me money for having insufficient funds. I can't afford to be broke !
36. I dream of a peaceful future. Where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned as to their motives.
37. If people in love are called love birds, then I propose when they fight they be called ANGRY BIRDS !
38. On
the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm
blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8
friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites,
Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss !! - 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2
friends-a-pokin' & a creep who won't stop inboxing meeee !
39. I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but you get less action in your life that a white Crayon.
40. I saw something today that reminded me of you. But once I flushed the toilet and washed my hands, it went away.
41. Dear Internet User. Someday you will regret not reading me. Sincerely, Terms & Conditions.
42. Today I saw a baby with a bib that read, "That idiot put my Super cape on backwards !"
43. I don't make typos, I design new words.
44. When I was younger, I would talk to a fan so I could hear my cyber-voice.
45. Watch the movie, "Titanic" backwards and it's about this awesome amazing magical ship that rescues people.
46. My proofreading skills only kick in after I know I can't change it.
47. Our
best scientists have yet to find out how 300 people can work at
Wal-Mart and yet only have 4-checkout lanes open at any one time.
48. If I found out I only had a week to live, I think I would check into a hospital cause that sounds serious !
49. I
finally learned I don't need to be nervous around a group of pretty
women. They're all too busy hating and judging each other to even notice
me.
50. I
like the fact I can buy a bag of factory air today and the company is
kind enough to balance it with edible chips at the bottom.
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