01. GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCEMENT:
The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it's actually screwing you.
02. You've inspired me to think less about life and more about thongs.
03. Keep Earth clean, it's not Uranus.
04. I'm Canadian. It's like an American but without the gun.
05. One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
06. Everyone makes mistakes. That's why there are erasers on pencils.
07. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
08. When it comes to procrastinating, I do it right away.
09. If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister ?
10. If you don't like my driving then stay the hell off the sidewalk. ― Bumper Sticker
11. There are two kinds of people on this Earth: the ones who get to know
the babes in a party and take them home, and those who admire the babes,
go home and alleviate their tension a different way.
12. I keep missing my ex, but my aim is getting better !
13. All you need is ignorance and confidence and your success is sure. ― Mark Twain
14. No restricting order can stop my love !
15. Beauty isn't a passport to success, it's a VISA.
16. They misunderestimated me. ― George W Bush
17.
[B] Being
[I] In
[T] Total
[C] Control over
[H] Him
18. Marriage is like war. You sleep with the enemy.
19. Do not disturb. I already am.
20. Don't try to lead me into temptation. I can find it well enough on my own.
21. It's like that old saying: "The rich get richer and the poor get children."
22. Welcome to our OOL. Notice there is no 'P' in it. We like to keep it that way.
23.
"You ever get that urge, Frank ? It begins with looking down from 50
stories up, thinking about the meaninglessness of life, listening to
dark voices deep inside you, and you think, "Should I... Should I...
Should I push someone off ?"
24. Women who want to be equal to men lack ambition.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
26. Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world ?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant !
27. Why do ducks have webbed feet ?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet ?
To stamp out burning ducks.
28. A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.
29. Be a minimalist, it's the least you can do.
30. After working here, I now realize that "Dilbert" is not a comic strip. It's a documentary.
31. For sale by owner: complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married
last week. Husband knows everything.
32. What this country needs is institution, constitution and pros...perity
.
33. Lord, give me the strength to deal with the people who are going to piss me off today.
34. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
35. I brake for no apparent reason.
36. Never refuse doing a good deed unless it will come as great harm to you or to others and never, ever, refuse a drink. ― Mark Twain
37. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If
it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. ― Ronald Reagan
38. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. ― Winston Churchill
39. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
40. The beatings will stop when morale improves. ― Sign above break room at work
41. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
42. You must master your joystick, as a fisherman masters bait.
43. Those who know do not say. Those who say do not know. ― Tao Te Ching
44. She got her good looks from her Father. He is a plastic surgeon.
45. I'm sick and tired of this school. One class after another with ugly children.
46. A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells
thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that
'individuality' is the key to success.
47. Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. ― George Burns
48. Behind every great man is a great woman. And behind every great woman, is a guy looking at her a*s.
49. What does the fox say ?
50. A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them
falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are
rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and
calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is
dead ! What can I do ?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just
take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a
silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.
He says: “OK, now what ?"
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