01. Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii, sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. table tennis team, after its tour of Communist China. The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the:
"Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill."
02. I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican.
03. I like funny guys and those, for some reason, tend to be nerdy guys.
04. Hurried and worried until we're buried, and there's no curtain call, Life is a very funny proposition after all.
05. Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.
06. Man came down from the tree, then he cut the tree down.
07. I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying !
08. I'm in desperate need of a 6-month vacation... twice a year.
09. God please give me patience, if you give me strength I will just punch them in the face.
10. In the morning I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the evening I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the night I can't sleep ... I'm so hungry !
11. How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
12. Stop the earth from spinning, I want to get off !
13. I'm not lazy, I'm just very relaxed.
14. You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared !
15. They say money doesn't bring happiness, but everyone still wants to prove it for themselves.
16. My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you after all.
17. I looked into my wallet and it was empty, I looked through all my pockets and they were all empty, then I looked into my heart and I found you, and only then I figured out how rich I was.
18. If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net without high speed Internet.
19. For today, weather forecasters are warning of an incoming storm of hugs and kisses all over the planet ... we advise closing your umbrella and opening your heart.
20. Christmas is the time when you buy presents with the money from next year.
21. If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest ... I would miss you so much.
22. The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.
23. An expert is a person who has made every possible mistake in a small field of study.
24. Sometimes you succeed ... and other times you learn.
25. I didn't find out what happiness means until I got married... and by then it was too late.
26. I'm very, very jealous. Sometimes I walk down the street and I see a beautiful woman and I think to myself:
"I'll bet my boyfriend would like to sleep with her"
And I get SO ANGRY. I run right home and smack him, and say, "How much more of this do you think I can take ?"
27. If I keep paying attention, I'm going to be in debt !
28. In the morning you beg to sleep more, in the afternoon you are dying to sleep, and at night you refuse to sleep.
29. You can teach a cat to do anything that it wants to do.
30. Tell your boss what you really think about him, and the truth shall set you free ... from your job.
31. Cleaning the house while your kids are still home is like shoveling while it's still snowing.
32. My wife told me the other day that I don't take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station.
33. It's better to shut up and give the impression that you're stupid than to say something and erase all doubt.
34. Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter ... people, the opposite.
35. Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married.
36. In America it is not important how much an item costs, it's more important to know how much you can save when you buy it.
37. Everyone wants your best ! Don't let them take it away from you.
38. Chuck Norris has a bear carpet in his house, the bear isn't dead its just afraid to move.
39. You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.
40. Some days, you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue, just live with it.
41. I love my computer because all my friends live inside it !
42. The secret to happiness is not to do what makes you happy, it's to be happy doing what you're already doing.
43. It's really not that important to win as it is to make the other guy lose.
44. Never test how deep the water is with both feet.
45. Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.
46. I consider myself a crayon, I might not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture.
47. If you have an issue, get a tissue.
48. Christmas is a competition between who gives up first: Your feet or your wallet.
49. If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth !
50. Actual meanings of various terms:
TEAM WORK: Having somebody else you can blame it on.
HARDWARE: The part of a computer you can kick when there are software problems.
IMPATIENT: Somebody who is waiting in a hurry.
INFLATION: Paying today's prices with last year's salary.
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