02. I don't always jump out of bed like a ninja in the middle of the night. But when I do it's because my cat is about to throw up on the carpet.
03. So dumb guys go for dumb girls and smart guys also go for dumb girls. What do the smart girls get ? Cats - just cats.
04. Don't judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
05. I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you !
06. There is no life without water. Because you need that to make the coffee.
07. Everything in the world happens for a reason. But sometimes that reason is because you're stupid and make bad decisions.
08. Your pity party on Facebook should have been created under Events so we could have chosen to attend or not.
09. When your Mom looks calm in public, but has a death grip on your arm - then you know - you did something really wrong.
10. When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.
11. Promise me you'll never forget me. Because if I thought you would - I'd never leave.
12. I like my money where I can see it ... hanging in my closet.
13. Extremists have shown what frightens them most: a girl with a book.
14. Texting wasn't always easy. In my day you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an 'S' ? You better click that '7' button four times in a row !
15. Success is only meaningful and enjoyable if it feels like your own.
16. I was going to say I'm sick, but since you're a registered nurse now, I'll be honest and just say I don't feel like going to school today.
17. You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
18. When a woman becomes her own best friend, life is easier.
19. Keep calm ... and pour the wine.
20. Of course I am not worried about intimidating men. That type of man will be the very one I have no interest in.
21. And she says to him, "If at first you don't succeed, then maybe you should do it the way I told you to in the first place."
22. Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.
23. Waking up from a great dream - and trying to fall back asleep so you can continue it.
24. If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.
25. Cleaning with children still in the house is like brushing your teeth with Oreo cookies.
26. THE FIVE STAGES OF PROCRASTINATION:
1. False Security. "This isn't due for a-while. I'll relax for now."
2. Laziness. "Maybe I should get a headstart ... ? Nah !"
3. Excuses. "I'm busy right now. I'm just taking a short break, then I'll work on it."
4. Denial. "I still have time. I'll sleep on it and start tomorrow, I promise."
5. Crisis. "Augh ! It's due today !?"
27. Humor is one of the best ingredients of survival.
28. My dear sweet baby. I plan to give you love, nurturing, and just enough dysfunction to make you functional in today's society.
29. Secretly we're all a little more absurd than we make ourselves out to be.
30. Yes, I'm a stay-at-home-Mom. Go ahead and ask me what I do all day long. I DARE YOU.
31. Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got.
32. "Mom, you can take a nap and I'll quietly play in my room with toys that don't make noise." said NO CHILD EVER.
33. At first they may ask you WHY you're doing it. But later they'll ask you HOW you did it.
34. The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.
35. It doesn't matter who likes us ... WE like us.
36. While you may soon forget the practices, you will long remember the performances.
37. I have to keep reminding myself that some people were just raised differently.
38. She is ... the type of girl that can be so hurt - but can still look at you and smile.
39. It doesn't matter how prepared you are. The Pillsbury biscuit container will always scare you when you open it.
40. I don't understand your specific kind of crazy, but I do admire your total commitment to it.
41. I accidentally rear-ended a car this morning. And then the other driver got out of his car. And you know how sometimes you be so stressed at little things that everything else is just funny. Well, I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF !
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and shouted, "I am not happy !"
So I looked down to him and shouted, "Well then, which one are you ?"
... and that's how the fight started.
42. Do you ever get home from school and look at yourself in the mirror and cringe - because you've looked like that all day.
43. Successful people never worry about what others are doing.
44. Around here we don't look back for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things because we're curious ... and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.
45. And your dog gives you a serious look while holding up a paw for comfort, "Human. I will protect you against any kind of enemy. I am your guardian in this world." Later you vacuum the carpet and your dog is, "It's a vacuum cleaner ! Run you fools !"
46. Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
47. I wonder if Chinese tourists get angry when they buy a souvenir from America only to find out it was made in China ?
48. To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great hot dogs.
49. You're more unique and wonderful than the smell of a new book.
50. 18 SOCIALLY AWKWARD THINGS WE ALL DO, BUT WILL NEVER ADMIT:
1. For some reason you suddenly become aware of how you are walking and completely lose all control of your motor skills.
2. You open a birthday card in front of a relative and pretend not to notice how much money has been put inside while you struggle to read the card.
3. An attractive person starts to talk to you and you think to yourself, "this must be some kind of prank !"
4. You fail to hear what someone is saying to you for the third time so you resort to laughing and just hoping for the best.
5. It’s Friday afternoon and school’s over and all you can think about is, "YAY, the weekend, no human interaction until Monday !"
6. In a group conversation you try to start to say something three times and every time someone else talks over you.
7. Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking your phone out and frowning at it.
8. Your parents have company over so you are forced to stay in your room until they leave ... just in case you have to meet them.
9. Being unable to say, “Well, this is fun !” without sounding like you are having the worst time in your life.
10. Scream inside your head "OH GOD NO !" when your teacher says, "OK class, find yourselves a partner."
11. You accidentally make a frustrated sound that resembles a fart and keep making that sound to confirm to everyone that IT WASN’T A FART !
12. At a party you fail to catch someone’s name so you make sure you avoid them for the rest of the evening.
13. You concentrate on making eye contact with an attractive person during a conversation and totally miss what they were saying because you were too busy maintaining eye contact.
14. You have arguments with yourself inside your head while you make the appropriate facial reactions to the world, making everyone around you assume you are insane.
15. You are unable to pay for things with the right change without saying "I think that’s right ?"
16. When playing your new favorite song to friends you can’t help but say, "it gets better in a minute."
17. You make a phone call to your crush and think to yourself, "OH GOD, PLEASE DON’T PICK UP !"
18. When you are using the bathroom at a party someone knocks on the door and you have no idea how to respond.
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