Insomnia observation

It wasn’t until I looked through

            the moon

 

that I realized oily,

black leeches were feasting

on my wild heart.

 

“Too many daydreams,” explained my father.

“Not enough light,” explained my mother.

 

I drank saltwater to dry them out;

I floated in the ocean to draw them out.

 

They would not leave.

 

My heart was draining.

I became white watercolor with

a hint of pink on my cheekbones,

 

            arctic blue on my lips.

 

I only have so many heartbeats;

they smack against my rib cage

like birds hitting a window.

Reviews

[Mark]

birds against windows.... I know I couldn't sleep. The imagery here invokes a sense of helplessness for me. Perhaps an inevitability. I once got a spiritual reading where the .. person (she wasn't a medium she said) told me there was a blackness over my heart. Maybe she was sensing my leeches.

[Verser]

If you would allow it, I would publish this piece. Any chance, eglantine?

[eglantine]

Of course! Please send me a link :)

[Verser]

When I publish the poems, I'll be sure to send you a confirmation which will have the link on it. Thanks again!

[terry smith]

...sounds like you need a walk amongst the lavender flowers...or eat a poppy-seed biscuit :)

[eglantine]

Haha, yes please. Both would be lovely.

[Steven]

The last stanza made reading you write about the moon for the zillionth time totally worth it ;)

[eglantine]

Haha, oh gosh. I really should challenge myself to write a poem with nothing to do with or hint at the moon. Thank you though!

[Vile]

"It wasn’t until I looked through
the moon

that I realized oily,
black leeches were feasting
on my wild heart."


Lets start with this. This is just a gem. The imagery is flawless, and displays such a beautifully contorted notion.

In this stanza the narrator is almost suffocated by night. As if it has forced them to endure sleepless, half-coherent, mild states of brief lucidity. In that the narrator still feels a tugging feeling of solace within the dark, the night time. Time to be alone, the quiet. As if things have finally remained in place, stood still, rested and you can finally correlate your thoughts.
This appears evident in the following lines.

"I drank saltwater to dry them out;
I floated in the ocean to draw them out."

Brilliant thought by the way. Its just gorgeous. In this youve managed to establish and display your intent, and the overall concept of this poem with two lines. You did it without actually stating it.
From what I gather, though bare with me Im no analyst, the narrator is tormented by the dark, the stillness. Yet, finds themselves incomplete without it.
They draw out their worst companion, and feel enriched by its company.
The human mind is beautifully twisted isnt it?



"They would not leave."
They do not leave because you truly do not want them to.


You close this piece in a very bleak, and abrupt manner. Though left a creative, disturbing tone in its wake. Perhaps this narrator feels a sense of death, perhaps the chill and stillness of it. The lingering exhaustion and dread.

I could be wrong, I hope I am, being right bores me sometimes. But these are my thoughts.

By the way, the last stanza:

"I only have so many heartbeats;
they smack against my rib cage
like birds hitting a window."

I dont like it.
It has a startling image, which I do enjoy, though the first two lines dont seem to go along with the third seamlessly. Its jagged, and disrupts the flow of the piece, especially when it at the very end.
Its a bold stanza which I applaud, however its not fluid, at least not in my head. I would simply suggest smoothing it out, perhaps alternate word choices. The very last stanza must flow exquisitely. Comparatively speaking, you can do better. Thats evident in this, and your other work.

[eglantine]

Thank you so much for your thoughts and suggestion about the last stanza. I'll definitely take that to mind when editing this piece. I really appreciate it!

[Simon Welsh]

Cryptic. I like this one too.

[Emily B]

your melodies speak to me on a very significant level

[Leslie Philibert]

A tremendous write, full of big images, stunning use of metaphors, and the last stanza is perfect.
A poem that doesn`t need my review at all, simply read this as an example of fine literature.

[Rahul]

How true...
Every single time whenever one finds himself around the loops of hallucination brought by the winds of insomnia, he always allows his own heart get bled in feelings. In this poetry, your hazel feelings're beautifully captured in words. Appreciate the choice of your lines as well. Very deep & full of insights. Well penned!

[NOoooooooooo]

I really like all your work like, I don't know if I can say much else ha
you're the best poet I know and you hopefully will go far doing it
do you have problems with insomnia really?

[eglantine]

Awe, well thanks! Believe me, there are much better poets out there ha. But if you really enjoy my work, I have a book available on Amazon :)

As for insomnia, yes. It sucks, sometimes worse than other nights but it still sucks.

[NOoooooooooo]

well ... I don't think there are really :) if there are I haven't met them
really? wow yeah I'd love to have the book I'll look for it
oh that's terrible :S yeah that would be hard I'm sorry to hear that how come you have it do you think?

[NOoooooooooo]

what's it called? the book

if you were at all interested I have a novel it's not on amazon or anything, but it's finished ha

[eglantine]

http://www.amazon.com/Meraki-Danielle-M-G-Favorite/dp/0615843115/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1433357901&sr=8-1&keywords=danielle+favorite+meraki

I'd be flattered if you got it and read it!

Probably stress and my brain doesn't turn off ha. Reading the a bubble bath helps.

That's awesome! What kind of novel?

[NOoooooooooo]

yeah :) thank you I'm gonna look for it now
Yeah definitely it's exciting :)

a bubble bath helps that's good ... yeah I know that must be tough and stress works differently on everybody ... for me it causes me to binge on certain things which is a struggle I have :S I hope you can get a good sleep too

um, it's kind of adventure ... I'm not sure :S

[NOoooooooooo]

haha wow I like the cover of your book is that you?
that's really cool

[eglantine]

No it's not me ha. You're not the first to ask though

[NOoooooooooo]

oh ha well still ...