Grievances of a Terrible Heart to an Omniscient Soul

A young woman attempts to deny the mercy of God.

When I lose myself, I think of You.

 

I, long ago, feared Your opinion of me. I feared the discontent in Your eyes that would silently enforce my shame-encrusted soul. I, for so long, feared the sight, the thought, the experience of You in attempt to save myself from Your rightful scorn.

 

I still know not what You take me for, if for anything at all. Am I Your child, or was I prior to my wickedness? Who are Your children? Nights - for nights I enslaved Your image to my imagination. I begged soundly for Your forgiveness - Your approval - Your fond light - was this in vain? Am I too late? My  chest yearns for this selfish compassionate harvest. Try as I may, I cannot last forever without knowing.

 

I find it . . . hard . . . to shade myself in the light of Your mercy.

 

What I've told the youth, I know You hate me this year. I cry here with You, in Your house, here. My knees are conditioned so poorly, I hope dryly your floors are not parched.

 

 . . .

 

Forgive me, I cannot form the words clearly out past my lips.

 

I feel . . . alien. As if I am surrounded by a gradient of colours I have no name for. I want to rid myself of Your spectrum . . . of Your heart. If I have not already. I feel thoroughly seized by this pallid guilt - it throbs painfully within the cavity of my chest.

 

I never had . . . I had no right in Your arms. I am sorry.

 

I am so sorry.

 

I am so sorry. If You cannot save my soul - or whatever it is, my being - then destroy it and save my friend's. 

Reviews

[LadyLakers31]

This message is very powerful and pure. A true beauty to it. I am writing a story called Superstition which is about a man who has lost contact with god and no longer believes. It would be an honor for you to read it since your writing is far superior to mine! It is nothing but a quick paragraph and won't take you long to read! Please critique me for I am a mere 15 year old girl who's dream is to become an author of various books,

[JulianaSun]

A story that sounds like a prayer. A desperate pleading towards a god that the protagonist feels often estranged from.
This could be the prologue to a novel. It´s really good :)

[Coyote Poetry]

A powerful and honest tale. I liked the internal thoughts leading to the good closure.
"I am so sorry. If You cannot save my soul - or whatever it is, my being - then destroy it and save my friend's. "
I did like the ending above. Thank you for sharing the excellent story.
Coyote

[terry smith]

At some point we all question if we believe...and if so, if we matter....very well written, This should be part of a larger story...a book perhaps.