Raison d’être (edited)

Raison d’être (edited)

A Poem by black.butterfly
"

poem

"

Raison d’être


The ground is breaking

right beneath my feet

my hope is shaking

oh this is the fate I meet

 

I am lost in my contradiction

between dreams & fate

I accepted without satisfaction

giving me a reason to hate

 

I want my reason to be

not chained in this world

you just wait and see

I’ll break chains with my sword

 

I will reach what is far

with absolutely no wings

until I reach the northern star

and challenge what fate brings.

 


© 2010 black.butterfly



Author's Note

black.butterfly
hey, well i read many of you're constructive reviews and re-edited this draft. re-reviews are welcomed ^-^

My Review

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Reviews

unfourtunately I haven't read the original so there is no way I can compare the two I like the "off-rhyme" of world and sword.

Posted 6 Years Ago


Excellent writing. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and loved the message to it, great work.

Posted 7 Years Ago


This was so very beautiful, I loved every word, the edited version is a lot better as well, great job.

Posted 7 Years Ago


lots of fun words, nice read thanks.

Posted 7 Years Ago


I liked this. Nice work. Can I say, though, one thing that jarred a little for me was the rhyming of sword and world. It didn't work for me. Loved the restof it though, which is why I thought I'd point it out. Hope that's okay.

Posted 7 Years Ago


This is a very interesting piece, and I must give 10 points just for the title. Technically, though, to read it correctly would be to go from beginning to end without pause. If you add a few commas and periods you could control the flow, plasing more emphasis or the rhymes that you've done a good job creating.

Posted 7 Years Ago


I like this a lot. It empowers.
And I adore the french ;]



Posted 7 Years Ago


I like this, you did a great job.
Great Job

Posted 7 Years Ago


I like this poem, I couldn't help but read it, i have to read anything that contains french in it lol. I'd say that challenging fate is an excellent reason for being. =)

Posted 7 Years Ago


Dear Writer (Or Should I Say Ean?! Ha!),

Thank you for the read request.

I'd like to say that some of the rhymes felt a little too forced. Rhyming sequence is entirely optional to a poem, as rhyming and repetition are just tools used to help create a better flow to the piece. Rhythm is a little off, but an entirely well expressed poem. If you want me to proofread this poem, just send me a message. I can find a few places where I sense some redundancy. Anyways, I loved the captivating message. I love the Italian language in the title. You don't have to put "edited" in the title. :P Just at the bottom, when you're trying to manage this particular writing, there is a button where you click to say that this is a new version of the writing. The author's note should primarily be to explain the particular writing.

Anyways, thank you for the review. You will do well as a writer and it is my hope that you will do well in life. Send me a message if you want that proofread and I'd be happy to oblige. Continue writing always even in times of peril. Bye! ^_^ 9.2/10.

Thanks again.

Sincerely,
S. W. Scaggs

Posted 7 Years Ago



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Added on February 18, 2010
Last Updated on February 22, 2010
Tags: poem, world

Author

black.butterfly
black.butterfly

somewhere in this world



About
Hey, You can call me ean, I'm 24 years old girl. A little mind taking in the world and putting it down into words; every thought, every wonder---are all just fascinating in their own way. My fa.. more..

Writing
May May

A Poem by black.butterfly



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