Raison d’être (edited)

poem

Raison d’être

The ground is breaking

right beneath my feet

my hope is shaking

oh this is the fate I meet

 

I am lost in my contradiction

between dreams & fate

I accepted without satisfaction

giving me a reason to hate

 

I want my reason to be

not chained in this world

you just wait and see

I’ll break chains with my sword

 

I will reach what is far

with absolutely no wings

until I reach the northern star

and challenge what fate brings.

 

Author's Note

hey, well i read many of you're constructive reviews and re-edited this draft. re-reviews are welcomed ^-^

Reviews

[Constance-Outspoken]

The edit definitely made this much much better. I absolutely love the second stanza now. The rhyming of world and sword throws me off a little, though. In the first stanza a comma after oh would help, or rewording that line. Absolutely doesn't quite feel right in the last stanza... not sure why. But this is ten times more enjoyable to read than the original.

[Keli Renee]

This is pretty good. I was a little confused, at first, but thats good, because it made me really concentrate and read deeper. Good job.

[Clarisse Nanoit]

Oh, I like the title. =)

[Clarisse Nanoit]

I think this piece is rather cliche. I mean, it doesn't say anything I've never heard before. It doesn't even say the things I HAVE heard before in a new or refreshing way. It lacks imagery, not that that is necessarily a negative, but I think imagery would help this poem stop being so cardboard cut-out. Those are just my thoughts.
KH

[Undying Glory]

great work. it's certainly interesting and i like the debate style you used. nice job

[Requs]

First off how do you get so many people to read your poems... second it contradicts my idea of hope vs hoplessness. This is a good expression of thought. I was really hoping for more elaboration on imagery when you mentioned something about wings. ^_^ but a poem could either be perfect or a passing strong thought and I agree with both. 7.8 of 10 ( the + .8 is for your honesty in the poem)

[AtomHeartZombie]

Really good. Had a lot of emotion put into it.

[Perfect Imperfection]

I really liked the emotion that is packed into it, but like most of the other reviews, the flow is shaky. But over all I really liked the emotion and the point you were trying to get across. Oh one quick question! What does "Raison d'être" mean?

Hmm... It's hard for me to say anything bad about this, but I must agree that the flow was a little shaky. But other than that I enjoyed this. You have talent, that's for sure.

[Austin Smith]

Like Juan, I must agree with the masses. The flow is, honestly, not good at all. The first two stanzas and the last two stanzas, in my opinion, shouldn't coexist in the same poem the way that they are now. Everything in this poem is, unfortunately, unjustified in itself. This probably could've been a lot better.