overall, good write, I feel that I can empathise with what you are saying... However, like many others I seemed to have had a bit of an issue with the flow in certain parts
but, as i said, overall, i enjoyed this poem. good work
You already have a lot of other reviews with some good advice, so I will keep mine short. In a short work, every line has to count. None of them can be a place holder, or a passing line. What I mean by that is, every line has to contribute to the story, and contribute a significant amount. There is one line in your work that sticks out as just being present, rather than adding to it. Second stanza, second sentence. I would like to see a different line there, because I don't see the purpose that the current line serves. Doesn't mean it doesn't have one, it just wasn't apparent to me when I read through. A few other things for your consideration. You use "it is" twice in the story, but then you use the contraction "what's" in the final stanza. Why not also use "it's"? I feel that "it's" would flow better. The last thing is punctuation. Through the majority of the piece, you don't use any. There are a few question marks at the beginning and a period at the end. You might want to think about adding some throughout the entire work and play with some of the pacing and how it can emphasize certain words and phrases. Just some things to think about. I liked the brevity of the work and think that it adds a certain amount power to the piece.
I will agree with the masses and say that your words go but not flow, also they may not flow in a very smooth rhythm but your words do pack a punch and leave alot to be interpreted. So maybe another draft but with the same intentions, the same emotions and dare I say even the same words? Maybe if you do a remix your poem will have rhythm this time? lol I liked it none the less
LOVE..LOVE...LOVE the title....lol.
I would agree that if the form is rearranged and the rhyme scheme moved a bit to temper the tempo then it might give girth to your reason for being..
For Example..
My reason to be
Is to find out
Everything I can
To see what it is all about....
Either way you've brought a smile to this face so "raison" on.
A lot of the time, the flow is pretty rough. Well, to be honest, instead of flowing it feels a bit more like going down rapids in an inflatable raft.
The poem had a clear message, which was good, but it didn't speak to me. I didn't really feel any emotions while reading this, and it didn't provoke any thought.
It seems like you kind of attempted some indirect descriptions, but it didn't work very well.
The last stanza, which seemed like it was intended to be the most powerful (besides the first) felt very lifeless to me. More so than the rest.
I did enjoy the last two lines of the second stanza, however. That one bit was very well put.
Overall, I didn't really like this poem. It's not that it's terrible, it could just use a lot of work or a complete revision, in my opinion.
I'd also like to add as an addendum that I'm sorry if that all comes off as very harsh. I figure it's more helpful to you if I give my honest opinion.
![[send message]](https://www.writerscafe.org/images/mail.png){kind=small}
![[befriend]](https://www.writerscafe.org/images/friend.png){kind=small}
first
prev
Share This
Email
Facebook
Twitter
Read Request
My Library
Flag Writing
