Something is wrong

Something is wrong

A Poem by black.butterfly
"

poem

"
Something is wrong

When you said your goodbyes
without looking me in the eyes,
my pride had to play along.
So ofcourse, something was wrong.

I wished faith could carry me away,
that by love hearts could sway,
but it wasn't where i should belong.
Something was awfully wrong.

Then It didn't matter who was who,
even when it was me and you.
I learned how to be strong
and yet something was just wrong.

Three years of doing this and that,
yet in every place i set at,
I clench when i hear our song.
Something is still wrong.

© 2010 black.butterfly


Author's Note

black.butterfly
reviews are welcomed

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Featured Review

this is so beautifully done..certainly something is wrong when its goodbye
even if i try to stand my place and take what may come
even if i stay strong and never waver,something is wrong
when i sit and think of whats past..when i hear the song
sweet music where i used to belong ,always knew something was wrong
so beautiful writing..full of sweet longing even if something was all wrong
lovely write..

Posted 13 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

I like the choice of words you’ve used to bring this piece together.
Great job well done.


Posted 13 Years Ago


I understand this poem. We say goodbyes and they leave us wondering and hurting for many years. Those memories and places re-birth thing lost and can't be found. A excellent poem.


Posted 13 Years Ago


Break ups are always difficult to deal with. This poem is very relatable, I agree. Wonderfully written.

Posted 13 Years Ago


I think this poem is absolutely true. I believe this is something that is very relatable. Great write.

Posted 13 Years Ago


Hello, Ean. You're express the emotion of the moment quite well in your stanzas, from the breakup to the lingering feelings after. The only thing I'd point out is that the rhythm of the piece seems just a tad off. I'm no expert, but here's a quick example:

You couldn't meet my eyes
When you said your goodbyes;
In my pride I played along
Still, I knew something was wrong

Not a huge difference, but sometimes you may have to sacrifice a word or two, or rephrase a line sometimes to keep the rhythm from being thrown off. The best way to get a feel is to read the lines aloud. There should be a flow that you can hear when you read. Again, I'm no expert, and these are just my thoughts. You've done a fine job here, and I look forward to more of your work.

Posted 13 Years Ago


The break up bomb huh, it's always hard, it's a great piece, good job on this one.

Posted 13 Years Ago



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Added on July 24, 2010
Last Updated on July 24, 2010
Tags: poem, life

Author

black.butterfly
black.butterfly

somewhere in this world



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