F:It

this stuff is ripping me up

I can’t get this out of my head.

F**k you.

F**k you for screwing with my head.

For making my heart implode on itself

over

and

over

and

over again.

 

I’m sorry. You were just a kid but JESUS!

Who tells another person that

And the f, why in the world did it affect me so much

It’s not fair

He got to f**k with my brain and I’m left with a heart

that’s too scared to feel anymore.

 

a heart that has squeezed emotions out

like it runs on deoxygenated blood.

De-oxygenated-              de-life                               de-whatever the f**k it was supposed to be before.

 

I’m f*****g scared to care about someone else because I’m constantly afraid that my feelings will get spewed like upchuck back into my face and I’ll be forced to swallow the rancid taste of a love unmet.

 

F**K

 

I hate this. I hate emotions.

I hate what they do.

I hate that they creep into my brain and like to run things.

 

I’m terrified. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to open my heart because I’m petrified-

legit can’t f*****g breathe.

 

It’s too damn hard to love somebody.

I’ve seen it happen with my parents.

You can most certainly love someone for 25 years and wake up one morning and decide someone else is better.

How do I know whoever I’m with won’t do the same?

How am I supposed to know that one day I won’t stop being good enough??

I don’t. My parents don’t. You don’t. No one does

{Like F**K. How can people give their hearts away so easily??? I refuse!}

If you think that I’ll be as much as a fool to give my heart away like that, you’re

wrong.

I knew this would be hard.

But not for this

Not because I’d be afraid.

Not because I’d be crippled by insecurities and inability to take a risk.

 

Is it really f*****g worth it?

 

I just watched my friend

go through a break up.

He had dated another friend for almost 4 years.

Then one day, she just woke up and was like you know what

this other guy is more fun.                         More life.   More interesting.                       EASIER.

I watched him bawl his eyes out. Tear by tear.

A f*****g adult bawling like a child.

And I watched him cry for hours.

HOURS.

 

My mouth was moving sure, advice of some kind was spewing out.

Pray. It’s okay. It’ll get better eventually.

Take your time.             blah blah blah

But all I could help but think is

 ::this is my fate.

That one day, I will be the one                  bawling over skype.

I will be the one whose heart is reeling

and tearing into shredded bits once again.

 

I don’t know if I can handle that. I don’t know if I can.

Pain terrifies me. It’s unnecessary.                 {Is it?}

 

I don’t actually know.

 

But f**k I’m afraid.

-I’m so sorry amor

I can’t promise anything because

I don’t know when goodnight will mean goodbye

and I think if my heart gets stomped on

it won’t refill.