It didn’t start as a full blown flu. It started as
a cough, a runny nose, the occasional sniffle. But left untreated, even the
smallest bacteria can manifest itself into a far larger infection. There’s not
one word, one person, one event that I can pinpoint as the beginning. It just
was. Hiding in the shadows of my mind was the only monster capable of tearing
it apart. Changes nearly invisible to the naked eye gradually revealed themselves
to the world. A smile neatly hid any sign of emotional distress. Daily
activities provided an escape; relationships, a distraction. Words slowly
became painful, not yet to say but to hear. Even the kindest of words surfaced
as direct slander. An innocent sight resulted in a growing pit deep within me.
Laughing was easier than talking. At least people understood laughter. Normal.
It had to be normal. No one is always happy. Life is not easy. I had heard
depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. That wasn’t me.
I did not want to die.
I didn’t want to be me though. A glimpse in the
mirror burned images deep into my subconscious that screamed fat, ugly, not
good enough. Food became my worst enemy. A piece of candy wasn’t worth the racing
thoughts and nausea that overtook me. Skinny and happy may as well have been
synonyms. One did not exist without the other. After all, he told you his sole
motivation was to use you, strip you of any remaining dignity you possessed. His
success followed like his friends reminding me to kill myself daily. With self
esteem plummeting to an all time low, anything that breathed consumed the
remaining pieces of a still smiling girl. A smile only conceals so much, but
enough to fool even yourself. Tears only fall if allowed. Normal. It had to be
normal. No one is always happy. Life is not easy. I had heard depression,
witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. That wasn’t me. I did not
want to die.
Hiding wasn’t an option, it was a lifestyle. Hiding
pain, tears, self-hatred. Then a light appeared providing relief, if only for a
short while. He was a rock, stable even during the darkest of times. Someone to
laugh with, cry on, speak to the depths of my soul. Promises and plans of the
future consumed my life. Even when smiling was difficult, some strand of hope
remained. Years passed, feelings remained unchanged. Challenges were met head
on, no matter the size. Everything ran to the shadows. I knew it was there but
I was stronger. And then something changed. I gave up. I didn’t want to be
strong anymore. Choosing to be sad was easier, I was good at that. I was good
at being depressed. Car rides on dark, winding roads taunted my subconscious
mind. One foul swoop and it could all be over. I had the power to end my own
life. It wasn’t normal. No one is supposed to be that sad. Life is not easy,
but this was torture. I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted
after tragedy strikes. That could be me. Maybe I wanted to die.
Asking for help proved to be one of the most
difficult things I have ever done. Admitting struggling was comparable to
admitting defeat, but I couldn’t win the battle on my own anymore. Friends and
family overwhelmed me with love and support, allowing me to see the first light
at the end of a very dark tunnel. My rock continued to stand firm, reminding me
that he could get me through anything. But something was still missing. I was.
The strength that had once been my entire self struggled to breathe, yet alone
reach the surface. Sleep insisted on being more prevalent in my life than
motivation and success, family and friends. I could escape with sleep; escape
thoughts, pain, fear. It wasn’t normal. No one is supposed to be that sad. Life
is not easy, but this was torture yet again. I had heard depression, witnessed
the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I had depression. Maybe I wanted to
die.
They say you have to hit rock bottom before you can
find your way back up, but what is rock bottom? How does one know when they’ve
reached their lowest depths? You know. You just know. I did. My firm standing
rock left my life without a trace on the surface, but inside, he tore me to
shreds. Sadness capable of causing physical pain crippled my body in a way
nothing else ever had. Tears endured with greater fervor than my body could
handle. Pain seeped through every pore. I strained to speak, move, even
breathe. Social outings bustling with laughter ended in convulsive sobs, as did
nights spent alone in bed. The bottle of pills at my disposal drew me in the
worse it got. Temptation turned to action. I slammed against rock bottom
repeatedly with every word written to my family and friends. I’m sorry, I love
you, this wasn’t your fault. I closed my eyes. It wasn’t normal. I couldn’t be
this sad anymore. Life is not easy, but this was unbearable. I had heard
depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I had
depression and I wanted to die.
I’ve always been grateful for
mornings. The light washing over everything provides a consistent brightness.
Even dark mornings embody the idea of a consistent starting over. I don’t know
why I was surprised when waking up that next morning was no different. The
moment of silence, filled only by my slow and steady breathing. The warmth of
my sheets momentarily protecting me from whatever lie ahead. Maybe something
was different. I was aware; aware of my breathing as an indication of life, another
day to live. Reality still managed to break through the early morning awe. I
had tried to end my life. Knowledge of the pain I would inflict on my family
and friends failed to stop me from doing the unthinkable. Some sliver of
strength pulled through though. Some part of me will always believe God had his
hand in helping me wake up that morning, in offering a second chance to reconsider
life. It still wasn’t normal, but maybe I could find happiness again. Life is
not easy. I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy
strikes. I had depression, but I didn’t want to die.
The mind is an incredible feat;
encouraging life, death, love, hatred. One small change in direction, a single
flip of a switch creates an entirely new pathway for an individual to travel.
It took numerous medications, hardships, and psychiatrist visits before I
discovered a pathway worth traveling down. It’s a common misconception that
asking for help and the desire to get better are equivalent. Others are only
capable of helping so far as you are willing to be helped. I had associated
depression and my personality for so long that I became my depression.
Depression was safe, consistent, mine. No one could take that from me, nor did
I want to let them. There’s not one word, one person, one event that I can
pinpoint as the beginning. It just was. Hiding in the shadows of my mind was
the only savior capable of defeating the monster that had nearly ended my life.
The moment I found my strength again was the moment
I chose life, love, happiness. Improvements were not instantaneous. Overcoming
depression has proven strenuous, heart-wrenching, painful. Learning to love
myself again has reopened wounds not completely healed and finding the strength
to be emotionally vulnerable remains a source of anxiety. But I know I am not
alone. Although not easy, emotional vulnerability continues to open my eyes to
the hearts and minds of others. Souls desire to be heard, we just have to
listen. I may never feel normal. I may not find happiness every day. Life is
not easy. I have heard depression, lived through the pain inflicted after
tragedy strikes. I am overcoming depression and I love living.
This is absolutely beautiful! It brought tears to my eyes, first of sadness and then of joy! Thank you for sharing this!
I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. That wasn’t me. I did not want to die.
These lines are so poignant. They speak of pain, doubt and hope. I totally fell in love with them! I "Heard depression" is a brilliant way of putting it. It makes depression seem like the monster it is, whispering all sorts of rubbish about yourself and others into your mind. Hats off to you for such a perfect selection! :)
Hiding wasn’t an option, it was a lifestyle. Hiding pain, tears, self-hatred.
If this is not beautiful, I don't know what is. Really well written. The anguish is unmistakable.
Car rides on dark, winding roads taunted my subconscious mind. One foul swoop and it could all be over.
I love the dark imagery. It fulfills its purpose of expressing anxiety wonderfully.
I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. That could be me. Maybe I wanted to die.
I loved the repetition of these lines and the progression through which you unveil the state of your mind by changing a select few words in these same lines time and again.
Friends and family overwhelmed me with love and support, allowing me to see the first light at the end of a very dark tunnel. My rock continued to stand firm, reminding me that he could get me through anything.
This made m really, really happy. A glimmer of hope in a black hole.
But something was still missing. I was.
This is so well written. I fell for this irrevocably.
The strength that had once been my entire self struggled to breathe, yet alone reach the surface.
This line is highly emotional and conveys how painstaking the effort was for you perfectly.
Sleep insisted on being more prevalent in my life than motivation and success, family and friends.
I find sarcasm in this statement but maybe that's just me. :) Anyways, very well penned. Another favorite of mine.
I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I had depression. Maybe I wanted to die.
The progress of your emotional state has been depicted gradually which heightens the emotional attachment of a reader (or at least of me as a reader) :)
My firm standing rock left my life without a trace on the surface, but inside, he tore me to shreds. Sadness capable of causing physical pain crippled my body in a way nothing else ever had. Tears endured with greater fervor than my body could handle. Pain seeped through every pore. I strained to speak, move, even breathe. Social outings bustling with laughter ended in convulsive sobs, as did nights spent alone in bed. The bottle of pills at my disposal drew me in the worse it got.
This was a bitter passage for me. I don't know about you, but personally, I will never forgive your rock for abandoning you and making you believe all sort of crap about yourself in the process. You have depicted the emotional turmoil really, really well.
Temptation turned to action. I slammed against rock bottom repeatedly with every word written to my family and friends. I’m sorry, I love you, this wasn’t your fault. I closed my eyes. It wasn’t normal. I couldn’t be this sad anymore. Life is not easy, but this was unbearable. I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I had depression and I wanted to die.
These lines were heartbreaking. :( The description is so vivid and emotional it brought me to the verge of tears.
Some part of me will always believe God had his hand in helping me wake up that morning, in offering a second chance to reconsider life.
I believe in this too. May God always help you to find a way to make your life happier and better. :)
It still wasn’t normal, but maybe I could find happiness again.
I love the lingering doubt mixed with hope in this line. It is so real. There is nothing make believe about this. This is a genuine reaction of a real person, something which can make any sad/depressed person relate to it. :)
I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I had depression, but I didn’t want to die.
This made me really happy. Very well written. As I said before, I just love the transition. :)
The mind is an incredible feat; encouraging life, death, love, hatred. One small change in direction, a single flip of a switch creates an entirely new pathway for an individual to travel.
Absolutely true. The imagery is apt and vivid again. :)
I had associated depression and my personality for so long that I became my depression.
It takes a lot of courage to admit this and a lot of time to come to terms with it. I salute you for this.
The moment I found my strength again was the moment I chose life, love, happiness.
A motivational line :)
I have heard depression, lived through the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I am overcoming depression and I love living.
This is absolutely beautiful. I don't think I can do justice to the beauty of this line if I try to describe it so I'll let it be. :)
A totally fascinating poem. Well done! :)
Posted 6 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
6 Years Ago
Thank you for this response! It means the world to me that you were able to connect with the piece o.. read moreThank you for this response! It means the world to me that you were able to connect with the piece on the level you did.
This is absolutely beautiful! It brought tears to my eyes, first of sadness and then of joy! Thank you for sharing this!
I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. That wasn’t me. I did not want to die.
These lines are so poignant. They speak of pain, doubt and hope. I totally fell in love with them! I "Heard depression" is a brilliant way of putting it. It makes depression seem like the monster it is, whispering all sorts of rubbish about yourself and others into your mind. Hats off to you for such a perfect selection! :)
Hiding wasn’t an option, it was a lifestyle. Hiding pain, tears, self-hatred.
If this is not beautiful, I don't know what is. Really well written. The anguish is unmistakable.
Car rides on dark, winding roads taunted my subconscious mind. One foul swoop and it could all be over.
I love the dark imagery. It fulfills its purpose of expressing anxiety wonderfully.
I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. That could be me. Maybe I wanted to die.
I loved the repetition of these lines and the progression through which you unveil the state of your mind by changing a select few words in these same lines time and again.
Friends and family overwhelmed me with love and support, allowing me to see the first light at the end of a very dark tunnel. My rock continued to stand firm, reminding me that he could get me through anything.
This made m really, really happy. A glimmer of hope in a black hole.
But something was still missing. I was.
This is so well written. I fell for this irrevocably.
The strength that had once been my entire self struggled to breathe, yet alone reach the surface.
This line is highly emotional and conveys how painstaking the effort was for you perfectly.
Sleep insisted on being more prevalent in my life than motivation and success, family and friends.
I find sarcasm in this statement but maybe that's just me. :) Anyways, very well penned. Another favorite of mine.
I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I had depression. Maybe I wanted to die.
The progress of your emotional state has been depicted gradually which heightens the emotional attachment of a reader (or at least of me as a reader) :)
My firm standing rock left my life without a trace on the surface, but inside, he tore me to shreds. Sadness capable of causing physical pain crippled my body in a way nothing else ever had. Tears endured with greater fervor than my body could handle. Pain seeped through every pore. I strained to speak, move, even breathe. Social outings bustling with laughter ended in convulsive sobs, as did nights spent alone in bed. The bottle of pills at my disposal drew me in the worse it got.
This was a bitter passage for me. I don't know about you, but personally, I will never forgive your rock for abandoning you and making you believe all sort of crap about yourself in the process. You have depicted the emotional turmoil really, really well.
Temptation turned to action. I slammed against rock bottom repeatedly with every word written to my family and friends. I’m sorry, I love you, this wasn’t your fault. I closed my eyes. It wasn’t normal. I couldn’t be this sad anymore. Life is not easy, but this was unbearable. I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I had depression and I wanted to die.
These lines were heartbreaking. :( The description is so vivid and emotional it brought me to the verge of tears.
Some part of me will always believe God had his hand in helping me wake up that morning, in offering a second chance to reconsider life.
I believe in this too. May God always help you to find a way to make your life happier and better. :)
It still wasn’t normal, but maybe I could find happiness again.
I love the lingering doubt mixed with hope in this line. It is so real. There is nothing make believe about this. This is a genuine reaction of a real person, something which can make any sad/depressed person relate to it. :)
I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I had depression, but I didn’t want to die.
This made me really happy. Very well written. As I said before, I just love the transition. :)
The mind is an incredible feat; encouraging life, death, love, hatred. One small change in direction, a single flip of a switch creates an entirely new pathway for an individual to travel.
Absolutely true. The imagery is apt and vivid again. :)
I had associated depression and my personality for so long that I became my depression.
It takes a lot of courage to admit this and a lot of time to come to terms with it. I salute you for this.
The moment I found my strength again was the moment I chose life, love, happiness.
A motivational line :)
I have heard depression, lived through the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I am overcoming depression and I love living.
This is absolutely beautiful. I don't think I can do justice to the beauty of this line if I try to describe it so I'll let it be. :)
A totally fascinating poem. Well done! :)
Posted 6 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
6 Years Ago
Thank you for this response! It means the world to me that you were able to connect with the piece o.. read moreThank you for this response! It means the world to me that you were able to connect with the piece on the level you did.