A Time to Cry: Overcoming Depression

A Time to Cry: Overcoming Depression

A Story by Erica Jansen

It didn’t start as a full blown flu. It started as a cough, a runny nose, the occasional sniffle. But left untreated, even the smallest bacteria can manifest itself into a far larger infection. There’s not one word, one person, one event that I can pinpoint as the beginning. It just was. Hiding in the shadows of my mind was the only monster capable of tearing it apart. Changes nearly invisible to the naked eye gradually revealed themselves to the world. A smile neatly hid any sign of emotional distress. Daily activities provided an escape; relationships, a distraction. Words slowly became painful, not yet to say but to hear. Even the kindest of words surfaced as direct slander. An innocent sight resulted in a growing pit deep within me. Laughing was easier than talking. At least people understood laughter. Normal. It had to be normal. No one is always happy. Life is not easy. I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. That wasn’t me. I did not want to die.

I didn’t want to be me though. A glimpse in the mirror burned images deep into my subconscious that screamed fat, ugly, not good enough. Food became my worst enemy. A piece of candy wasn’t worth the racing thoughts and nausea that overtook me. Skinny and happy may as well have been synonyms. One did not exist without the other. After all, he told you his sole motivation was to use you, strip you of any remaining dignity you possessed. His success followed like his friends reminding me to kill myself daily. With self esteem plummeting to an all time low, anything that breathed consumed the remaining pieces of a still smiling girl. A smile only conceals so much, but enough to fool even yourself. Tears only fall if allowed. Normal. It had to be normal. No one is always happy. Life is not easy. I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. That wasn’t me. I did not want to die.

Hiding wasn’t an option, it was a lifestyle. Hiding pain, tears, self-hatred. Then a light appeared providing relief, if only for a short while. He was a rock, stable even during the darkest of times. Someone to laugh with, cry on, speak to the depths of my soul. Promises and plans of the future consumed my life. Even when smiling was difficult, some strand of hope remained. Years passed, feelings remained unchanged. Challenges were met head on, no matter the size. Everything ran to the shadows. I knew it was there but I was stronger. And then something changed. I gave up. I didn’t want to be strong anymore. Choosing to be sad was easier, I was good at that. I was good at being depressed. Car rides on dark, winding roads taunted my subconscious mind. One foul swoop and it could all be over. I had the power to end my own life. It wasn’t normal. No one is supposed to be that sad. Life is not easy, but this was torture. I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. That could be me. Maybe I wanted to die.

Asking for help proved to be one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Admitting struggling was comparable to admitting defeat, but I couldn’t win the battle on my own anymore. Friends and family overwhelmed me with love and support, allowing me to see the first light at the end of a very dark tunnel. My rock continued to stand firm, reminding me that he could get me through anything. But something was still missing. I was. The strength that had once been my entire self struggled to breathe, yet alone reach the surface. Sleep insisted on being more prevalent in my life than motivation and success, family and friends. I could escape with sleep; escape thoughts, pain, fear. It wasn’t normal. No one is supposed to be that sad. Life is not easy, but this was torture yet again. I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I had depression. Maybe I wanted to die.

They say you have to hit rock bottom before you can find your way back up, but what is rock bottom? How does one know when they’ve reached their lowest depths? You know. You just know. I did. My firm standing rock left my life without a trace on the surface, but inside, he tore me to shreds. Sadness capable of causing physical pain crippled my body in a way nothing else ever had. Tears endured with greater fervor than my body could handle. Pain seeped through every pore. I strained to speak, move, even breathe. Social outings bustling with laughter ended in convulsive sobs, as did nights spent alone in bed. The bottle of pills at my disposal drew me in the worse it got. Temptation turned to action. I slammed against rock bottom repeatedly with every word written to my family and friends. I’m sorry, I love you, this wasn’t your fault. I closed my eyes. It wasn’t normal. I couldn’t be this sad anymore. Life is not easy, but this was unbearable. I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I had depression and I wanted to die.

 

            I’ve always been grateful for mornings. The light washing over everything provides a consistent brightness. Even dark mornings embody the idea of a consistent starting over. I don’t know why I was surprised when waking up that next morning was no different. The moment of silence, filled only by my slow and steady breathing. The warmth of my sheets momentarily protecting me from whatever lie ahead. Maybe something was different. I was aware; aware of my breathing as an indication of life, another day to live. Reality still managed to break through the early morning awe. I had tried to end my life. Knowledge of the pain I would inflict on my family and friends failed to stop me from doing the unthinkable. Some sliver of strength pulled through though. Some part of me will always believe God had his hand in helping me wake up that morning, in offering a second chance to reconsider life. It still wasn’t normal, but maybe I could find happiness again. Life is not easy. I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I had depression, but I didn’t want to die.

            The mind is an incredible feat; encouraging life, death, love, hatred. One small change in direction, a single flip of a switch creates an entirely new pathway for an individual to travel. It took numerous medications, hardships, and psychiatrist visits before I discovered a pathway worth traveling down. It’s a common misconception that asking for help and the desire to get better are equivalent. Others are only capable of helping so far as you are willing to be helped. I had associated depression and my personality for so long that I became my depression. Depression was safe, consistent, mine. No one could take that from me, nor did I want to let them. There’s not one word, one person, one event that I can pinpoint as the beginning. It just was. Hiding in the shadows of my mind was the only savior capable of defeating the monster that had nearly ended my life.

The moment I found my strength again was the moment I chose life, love, happiness. Improvements were not instantaneous. Overcoming depression has proven strenuous, heart-wrenching, painful. Learning to love myself again has reopened wounds not completely healed and finding the strength to be emotionally vulnerable remains a source of anxiety. But I know I am not alone. Although not easy, emotional vulnerability continues to open my eyes to the hearts and minds of others. Souls desire to be heard, we just have to listen. I may never feel normal. I may not find happiness every day. Life is not easy. I have heard depression, lived through the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I am overcoming depression and I love living.

 

© 2017 Erica Jansen


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Featured Review

This is absolutely beautiful! It brought tears to my eyes, first of sadness and then of joy! Thank you for sharing this!

I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. That wasn’t me. I did not want to die.
These lines are so poignant. They speak of pain, doubt and hope. I totally fell in love with them! I "Heard depression" is a brilliant way of putting it. It makes depression seem like the monster it is, whispering all sorts of rubbish about yourself and others into your mind. Hats off to you for such a perfect selection! :)

Hiding wasn’t an option, it was a lifestyle. Hiding pain, tears, self-hatred.
If this is not beautiful, I don't know what is. Really well written. The anguish is unmistakable.

Car rides on dark, winding roads taunted my subconscious mind. One foul swoop and it could all be over.
I love the dark imagery. It fulfills its purpose of expressing anxiety wonderfully.

I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. That could be me. Maybe I wanted to die.
I loved the repetition of these lines and the progression through which you unveil the state of your mind by changing a select few words in these same lines time and again.

Friends and family overwhelmed me with love and support, allowing me to see the first light at the end of a very dark tunnel. My rock continued to stand firm, reminding me that he could get me through anything.
This made m really, really happy. A glimmer of hope in a black hole.

But something was still missing. I was.
This is so well written. I fell for this irrevocably.

The strength that had once been my entire self struggled to breathe, yet alone reach the surface.
This line is highly emotional and conveys how painstaking the effort was for you perfectly.

Sleep insisted on being more prevalent in my life than motivation and success, family and friends.
I find sarcasm in this statement but maybe that's just me. :) Anyways, very well penned. Another favorite of mine.

I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I had depression. Maybe I wanted to die.
The progress of your emotional state has been depicted gradually which heightens the emotional attachment of a reader (or at least of me as a reader) :)

My firm standing rock left my life without a trace on the surface, but inside, he tore me to shreds. Sadness capable of causing physical pain crippled my body in a way nothing else ever had. Tears endured with greater fervor than my body could handle. Pain seeped through every pore. I strained to speak, move, even breathe. Social outings bustling with laughter ended in convulsive sobs, as did nights spent alone in bed. The bottle of pills at my disposal drew me in the worse it got.
This was a bitter passage for me. I don't know about you, but personally, I will never forgive your rock for abandoning you and making you believe all sort of crap about yourself in the process. You have depicted the emotional turmoil really, really well.

Temptation turned to action. I slammed against rock bottom repeatedly with every word written to my family and friends. I’m sorry, I love you, this wasn’t your fault. I closed my eyes. It wasn’t normal. I couldn’t be this sad anymore. Life is not easy, but this was unbearable. I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I had depression and I wanted to die.
These lines were heartbreaking. :( The description is so vivid and emotional it brought me to the verge of tears.

Some part of me will always believe God had his hand in helping me wake up that morning, in offering a second chance to reconsider life.
I believe in this too. May God always help you to find a way to make your life happier and better. :)

It still wasn’t normal, but maybe I could find happiness again.
I love the lingering doubt mixed with hope in this line. It is so real. There is nothing make believe about this. This is a genuine reaction of a real person, something which can make any sad/depressed person relate to it. :)

I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I had depression, but I didn’t want to die.
This made me really happy. Very well written. As I said before, I just love the transition. :)

The mind is an incredible feat; encouraging life, death, love, hatred. One small change in direction, a single flip of a switch creates an entirely new pathway for an individual to travel.
Absolutely true. The imagery is apt and vivid again. :)

I had associated depression and my personality for so long that I became my depression.
It takes a lot of courage to admit this and a lot of time to come to terms with it. I salute you for this.

The moment I found my strength again was the moment I chose life, love, happiness.
A motivational line :)

I have heard depression, lived through the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I am overcoming depression and I love living.
This is absolutely beautiful. I don't think I can do justice to the beauty of this line if I try to describe it so I'll let it be. :)

A totally fascinating poem. Well done! :)

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Erica Jansen

6 Years Ago

Thank you for this response! It means the world to me that you were able to connect with the piece o.. read more



Reviews

You have encompassed the complicated maze that is depression in this piece, and very beautifully at that.


Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Erica Jansen

6 Years Ago

Thank you so much for your response! I hope to read more of your writing in the near future.
This is absolutely beautiful! It brought tears to my eyes, first of sadness and then of joy! Thank you for sharing this!

I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. That wasn’t me. I did not want to die.
These lines are so poignant. They speak of pain, doubt and hope. I totally fell in love with them! I "Heard depression" is a brilliant way of putting it. It makes depression seem like the monster it is, whispering all sorts of rubbish about yourself and others into your mind. Hats off to you for such a perfect selection! :)

Hiding wasn’t an option, it was a lifestyle. Hiding pain, tears, self-hatred.
If this is not beautiful, I don't know what is. Really well written. The anguish is unmistakable.

Car rides on dark, winding roads taunted my subconscious mind. One foul swoop and it could all be over.
I love the dark imagery. It fulfills its purpose of expressing anxiety wonderfully.

I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. That could be me. Maybe I wanted to die.
I loved the repetition of these lines and the progression through which you unveil the state of your mind by changing a select few words in these same lines time and again.

Friends and family overwhelmed me with love and support, allowing me to see the first light at the end of a very dark tunnel. My rock continued to stand firm, reminding me that he could get me through anything.
This made m really, really happy. A glimmer of hope in a black hole.

But something was still missing. I was.
This is so well written. I fell for this irrevocably.

The strength that had once been my entire self struggled to breathe, yet alone reach the surface.
This line is highly emotional and conveys how painstaking the effort was for you perfectly.

Sleep insisted on being more prevalent in my life than motivation and success, family and friends.
I find sarcasm in this statement but maybe that's just me. :) Anyways, very well penned. Another favorite of mine.

I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I had depression. Maybe I wanted to die.
The progress of your emotional state has been depicted gradually which heightens the emotional attachment of a reader (or at least of me as a reader) :)

My firm standing rock left my life without a trace on the surface, but inside, he tore me to shreds. Sadness capable of causing physical pain crippled my body in a way nothing else ever had. Tears endured with greater fervor than my body could handle. Pain seeped through every pore. I strained to speak, move, even breathe. Social outings bustling with laughter ended in convulsive sobs, as did nights spent alone in bed. The bottle of pills at my disposal drew me in the worse it got.
This was a bitter passage for me. I don't know about you, but personally, I will never forgive your rock for abandoning you and making you believe all sort of crap about yourself in the process. You have depicted the emotional turmoil really, really well.

Temptation turned to action. I slammed against rock bottom repeatedly with every word written to my family and friends. I’m sorry, I love you, this wasn’t your fault. I closed my eyes. It wasn’t normal. I couldn’t be this sad anymore. Life is not easy, but this was unbearable. I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I had depression and I wanted to die.
These lines were heartbreaking. :( The description is so vivid and emotional it brought me to the verge of tears.

Some part of me will always believe God had his hand in helping me wake up that morning, in offering a second chance to reconsider life.
I believe in this too. May God always help you to find a way to make your life happier and better. :)

It still wasn’t normal, but maybe I could find happiness again.
I love the lingering doubt mixed with hope in this line. It is so real. There is nothing make believe about this. This is a genuine reaction of a real person, something which can make any sad/depressed person relate to it. :)

I had heard depression, witnessed the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I had depression, but I didn’t want to die.
This made me really happy. Very well written. As I said before, I just love the transition. :)

The mind is an incredible feat; encouraging life, death, love, hatred. One small change in direction, a single flip of a switch creates an entirely new pathway for an individual to travel.
Absolutely true. The imagery is apt and vivid again. :)

I had associated depression and my personality for so long that I became my depression.
It takes a lot of courage to admit this and a lot of time to come to terms with it. I salute you for this.

The moment I found my strength again was the moment I chose life, love, happiness.
A motivational line :)

I have heard depression, lived through the pain inflicted after tragedy strikes. I am overcoming depression and I love living.
This is absolutely beautiful. I don't think I can do justice to the beauty of this line if I try to describe it so I'll let it be. :)

A totally fascinating poem. Well done! :)

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Erica Jansen

6 Years Ago

Thank you for this response! It means the world to me that you were able to connect with the piece o.. read more

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275 Views
2 Reviews
Shelved in 1 Library
Added on February 13, 2017
Last Updated on February 13, 2017
Tags: depression, mental health, anxiety, suicide, memoir

Author

Erica Jansen
Erica Jansen

St. Paul, MN