but if only

but if only

 

 

 

your lips met mine

like the cold point of a gun

 

i ingested your breath like a bullet

to my integrity

 

we slipped into a coma

pungent feelings became numb

 

life support

heart support

 

reality intravenously rejected

i wanted the dreamy fairy tale

 

i opened my eyes

and your touch was gone

 

i was living

no powder, no caliber of transgression

 

no you

just imagination shooting blanks.

 

 

erin-cilberto

3/22/2017

Reviews

[KWP]

oh bugger! if only we could stay suspended within that tiny moment captured purely and indulgently for ourselves. I was thinking about that recently, how we so would like to relive certain moments, but no matter how hard we try, they will never, ever be replicated to the original ... X

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i have a couple i would like to relive...knowing what i know now...but then...if i lived them again---i might not know the same things.
thank you again, my friend...
j.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

"reality intravenously rejected"

I feel reality is like a slow poison which consumes us and by the time we embrace it, it's all gone..

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your insightful comment, Yumna..
j.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

You're welcome, Jacob 😊

[Lydia Shutter]

WOW, this one is my new favorite of yours! Some romantic relationships are doomed from the start, but we choose not to see the red flags waving in our faces. Our imaginations want the romantic fairy tale and to live happily ever after. GREAT one, Jacob. Lydi**

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your very kind words, Lydi.
j.

[Hebe]

Sent shivers down my spine.... realistically it's exactly how it feels when love has died, the association is brutal and effective... excellent!

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your very kind review...
j.

[Kristina Moulaison]

This is a craftily worded look at temptation. It opens with tangible imagery, the contrast of the fantasy versus reality. Those are great lines! So many of your word segments beg to be read over and over, they paint such vivid picture. Really good metaphor considering the destructive potential of transgression. Great concluding lines!

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your insightful words, Kristina..

j.

[emmajoy]

'i ingested your breath like a bullet ~ to my integrity ~ we slipped .. '

This is almost a touch too far into a man's mind.. an emptying of indiscriminate sadness wrapped in style. The death of love does more than point- blank scar. Were it not for your literary skills, your metaphors, this could be start.. as it is, is more than emotive.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind review, emma...

[emmajoy]

you're welcome.. sometimes I read words that appear emotional but are mere figments of.. others have heart..

[andrew mitchell]

this was no smoking barrel thats for sure and we all know how cold steel is to touch in severe weather. nice j

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your words, andrew...
j.

[Pete]

they say that love hurts but this is deadly. full of regret. literally and figuratively 'staring down the barrel' as they say. clever analogy. we put it all on the line and risk it for the one we love. don't realize what we had 'til it's gone. time to reload and jump back in the saddle again methinks. i enjoyed this.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind review, Pete...

j.

[J Manuel]

Hey Jacob, long time, from your Bronx brother:

The relational description of intimacy, a weapon and emotion in this piece is very captivating, especially if one as a deep appreciation, admiration and respect for women and guns. The use of metaphors and connotations here are very powerful. Again, I love the use of the juxtaposition, which brings across such lovely/dark imagery, especially when you think of it carefully; women and guns have such a great impact in our world. Women bring life into the existence and guns (weapons) through wars and violence keeps taking it.

“reality intravenously rejected” / “no powder, no caliber of transgression” ( I like the use of caesura in this line)
“i ingested your breath like a bullet” my favorite lines.

Man I enjoy the personal association, line spacing and flow in this poem.
Be on the lookout for my email, which I’ll send soon.

Excellent
Jorge

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind review, Jorge...
j.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Some metaphors just work and this s one of them Jacob. The cold gunmetal feel to the brutality of having been left shot to pieces by lost love. And I am sure you never fired too many blanksl

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind words, John.
j.