the outline of relationships

the outline of relationships



i loved you profusely,
with run-on emotions,
but you edited my feelings
until the heart beats became stiff and formal
until there were too many stops,
the periods and semi-colons interrupted the affection

until i could no longer write you
with abandon,
until innocence and trust were question marks
and my love became something i tried to justify

with hesitant language
hesitant approach,
until i finally reached
the conclusion of us,

and moved on to the next assignment
hoping i could free-write into it
the words would find new meaning
and a perfect ending
that never ended.


erin-cilberto
7/6/17

Reviews

[Surya]

It's perfect, metaphor is good...overall i liked it...:)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you Surya.
j.

[Bacchus]

looks like a chalk
outline...
abandon- with the girl
or the write?

interesting- formal heart beats
hope you get back to
a fluttering sometime
soon.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your insightful and kind words, Bacchus

j.

[Zugzwang]

Great metaphor. Sometimes relationships, like writing, fail because we can't or won't let go and get right to the core of it. Thats my take on it anyway!

[jacob erin-cilberto]

really like your interpretation, Zeitnot...thank you,
j.

[Seeker]

My take home message, aside from a truly well written piece: the only punctuation that can function in matters of the heart is love and more love.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

nice insight, Seeker...thank you for the visit...
j.

[Jimmy Yetts]

Who hasn't continually sought the "perfect ending/that never ended?"
This poem is a brilliant creation.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind words,
j.

[andrew mitchell]

the theme, the construction, the imagery all done with perfection. another telling write j.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you, andrew

j.

[andrew mitchell]

its hard to comment on perfect, one just pauses after reading!!:)

[Leslie Philibert]

This a theme that Jacob does excellently ; the merger of emotion and text ; another fine poem.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind words, Leslie.
j.

[Carol Cashes]

Yaasss! Love does become stilted and laborious when constantly receiving direction, like an actor in THEIR play, as opposed to a co-star in both of your story. Take a bow...

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you, Carol...appreciate your words.
j.

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Ahhhh, the English professor in you will out dear friend! You are Word and Grammar-Meister par excellence. Perfect language, flow, rhythm. I hear the typewriter keys (are there still such things?) in the bacground tapping in flawless punctuation of each line. "Until I could no longer write you with abandon"-great! Hopeful ending...yes!

[jacob erin-cilberto]

haven't used an actual typewriter in years...but sure miss them...
thank you, Annette.
j.

[Ana Papaya]

even a good story loses it's appeal after a while if the page never turns, into new adventures, it then just becomes a chapter...

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your words, Ana.
j.