A Cry for Help

***NOTE: This is my life right now. I am not whining for attention. I am scared, in transition, and feeling out of control. 

This is the last two pages of a journal entry I typed today, May 21, 2017.

IF you read this and intend to comment - please approach it as a human being with compassion.

Thank you.***

And I think my greatest problem,

You may or not agree,

Is that right now I stand frozen, despite being panicky.

Let me explain so that you may understand what I mean;

My head is racing, and let me take you to my mind

I will show you what I envision when thinking how I feel.

Picture me �" or you �" the center:

In a hellish underworld realm

The skies are a sick and molten yellowy-orange

Clouds smoky orange and gray, dense but only small wisps

I �" or you �" am not on the ground

In fact, I’m �" or you’re �" not even sure there is one for certain

Things are spinning too fast, around and around

And while I �" or you �" think the distant dark structures

Are attached to a ground,

I’m �" or you’re �" not there

And while I �" or you �" spin around so fast

Things flit and fly around and past

Fears and failures and hopes and dreams

Loved ones and possessions and achievements both accomplished and desired

Feelings and Thoughts and Worries and Wonderings

Nothing is definite

Nothing is reachable

And as I �" or you �" sit there, curled in a ball in that sky

I �" or you �" cry, and cry

Because I nor you know

How to get back down on the ground

I �" or you �" feel lost in turmoil in that sky

Feeling scared, that I �" or you �" can’t get down

I �" or you �" have no faith

No belief

For nothing I �" or you �" have done

Have inspired confidence to look around

“But, wait,” I �" or you �" think

“I’ve done many things, and I’ve survived all of them!”

Suddenly I feel I have strength

I think about the many things that I’ve done well

And for a second, I look around

The turmoil pauses, and my spinning slows

But then I see, so far down

That’s the ground.

But I’m still up here, twirling ‘round

And then this panic sets in my chest

I flap my arms, jump, and try to use my breath

But nothing helps get any closer to the ground

I’m stuck here

Then worst of all I cry again

Thinking “I can’t take this! I can’t get out! I’m trapped here… all over again.”

So from my slowly twirling world

Where I had hope and sat up straight

I curl again to bury my face

And tears flow down as the twirling picks up the pace

Only fears find their way through

Fear that I’m lost, fear that I’ve changed

Not for the better. I’m going insane

Even my friends �" and family, I’m sure �"

Have noticed I’m different in the last couple weeks

They tell me they’re worried, cause I don’t seem the same

They say I sound different when we talk on the phone.

I’ve noticed it too

And it’s just one more thing

That keeps my head spinning

And has me crying with shame.

“I just want to be normal. I just want to be fine.

I don’t want medications and doctors. I don’t want Emergency visits.

Please let me go back, to before,

Before I became convinced,

Convinced I’m going to die.”

Reviews

[Sapientiam]

This seems more than just a phase and I can understand your desire for people to understand your situation. I've been feeling a similar way, as if adulthood has corrupted me with wild vicissitudes. My body, my soul; they want different things. It seems like in your case, you may be caught in some type of lie, like the world you knew was basically a prison for despair, changing who you are without noticing. I agree that it takes other people's perspective of you to realize how much you have changed. It's almost like a slap in the face, a harsh one at that. Furthermore, the title is grabbing. I could never ignore pleas and this piece of writing is something that shouldn't be ignored. I really empathize with you and I hope your days become more beautiful than now.

[747]

I know. It's frightening, seeing a change that seems so sudden that has me heading nowhere but despair. But when I look back, this has been coming for a while. I just didn't expect it to feel this way.
I debated posting the entire journal entry but I thought that it would probably get me confronts like "You need medical help" and I don't know if I could take that at the moment. What I've described is very real, not dramatized.
I'm mostly trying to keep myself busy, the more engaged I am with a task the less overwhelmed with fear and anxiety I feel.
Thank you for taking the tone to read, and to write back.