Damn You, That Was MY Flower!

A Story by felioness

A Blind Date From Hell...

In my youth I swore I’d never do a blind date. The whole premise is really quite sketchy, I mean, really, think about it ... a girl goes out ALONE with a STRANGER and expects to find what, a great time, true love? That may happen but it is rare, as rare as winning a lottery and frankly the odds are much more in favour of danger to a plain waste of time! I don't know what we're looking for girls but I experienced the foolishness of it all when my best friend Denise, caught me in an uncharacteristically benevolent mood and talked me into going out with this guy while I was visiting her in Calgary. I am a survivor. I lived through a boorish, nightmarish date from hell!

He arrived late, which pissed me off. I immediately noticed he had a nose like a leprechaun, turned up at the tip, which turns me off, but he had a motorcycle and I love bikes so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He very nicely escorted me to his aging 650 cc Kawasaki and gave it a kick start. I slipped onto the passenger seat securely lodged between his back and a sissy bar. As we were pulling away from the curb he yelled over his shoulder that we needed gas if we were to make it to the opposite side of the city which was the southwest portion of Calgary.

The evening was lovely and warm, perfect for a cruise. Cow Town was at her finest as the world famous Calgary Stampede was just about to begin. Tourists were everywhere and the city was buzzing with excitement. Summer flowers were in bloom sweetening

the vibrant July air. We pulled into an Esso station on Stoney Trail and he asked the the gas jockey for $1.50 worth of gas. Right away I knew he was either really broke, or really cheap!

I was enjoying the wind in my face and the city sites and presumed we were going to be arriving fashionably late.We were sitting in traffic waiting for the light to change when this Hare Krishna dude approached us carrying an armful of flowers. “Flowers for your lovely lady?” I smiled at his compliment . My date asked him how much the flowers were then quickly shook his head "no". The Hare Krishna pulled out a stunning long-stemmed ruby red rose and said “ I'll make you a deal you can’t refuse! One dollar and the pretty lady can have it!!" Once again my date quickly refused . Surprisingly the Hari Krishna dude then turned and handed me the rose saying,"girl, I think you'll need this!” Little did I know.

As we rode closer to our destination I wondered why we weren't stopping to bring food or refreshments to the party. As we turned a corner and entered a well groomed Cul de Sac I felt a sick feeling of anxiety in the pit of my stomach but I got off the bike smoothed my hair and walked up the winding side walk with my date to the front door. The house was beautiful and well kept. He gave the door several loud knocks and just before it opened, grabbed my flower and handed it to the hostess saying, “Here, I brought this for you!”. Right then I knew this guy was a schmuck and really cheap one too! I was in for a miserable time.The flower vending Hari Krishna guy was right. Apparently meditation and chanting also makes them folk psychic. It was bad, but little did I know just how bad it was about to get ... he started calling me “Big Mama”.

Now I may be on the tallish side but I’m not big and I was certainly not his mama! I also happen to hate that phrase with a passion! The cruelest cut of all however, was that this party was filled with an amazing assortment of absolutely gorgeous single men! Never in my life have I ever seen so many good-looking guys in one place and there I was with this idiot!. They probably don't even know he's a blind date," I thought. I bet they even think I like him!" "What kind a person COULD like a guy like him!!! My entire psyche cringed in horror. My skin writhed in disgust because it was also quite likely they thought we were a couple...ugh!

It soon became apparent my date was also social pariah. Whenever this loud-mouthed, boor of a man entered a room, people started to drift away. Conversation with this idiot was a one-way street. I was unable to get a word in edgewise. This loutish excuse for a date would not shut up. I tried to amble away and "mix "with the other guests. Not a chance, this jerk stuck to me like Velcro, calling me "Big Mama" like there was no tomorrow.

As I said earlier, we arrived without refreshments. It soon became obvious he was a total mooch, nonchalantly bumming beer or cigarettes off of anyone he stood next to. Refusing to be categorized with the likes of him, I politely declined all generously offered beverages. After about an hour and a half of “Big Mama” this and "Big Mama" that while shrugging his heavy, unwanted arm from about my neck, I declared I had a "sick headache" and took a cab home and that about wrapped up my first and last blind date.

To this day, if I am unfortunate enough to hear someone utter “Big Mama,” I immediately think of that stingy, pathetic, sponging, excuse for a man and wish I would have bopped him in the kisser saying "Big Mama" this you loser!"

© 2013 felioness

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felioness

LOL! Thanks for the read! I Really should have!

Posted 10 Years Ago

Valerie Rian

Hilarious! Thanks for the story. It's one I'll remember. Sorry you had to suffer through an evening like that though. I probably would have pushed him over and taken my rose back :p