A Little Bit About Myself

A short story detailing some of my experiences when I was in school.

Since I was little, I told myself I was going to be significant, to have value. I told myself this because I felt I was insignificant, a shadow that no one really paid any attention to. I had many goals throughout my childhood, careening into and away from each other. I wanted to be an archaeologist, a writer, a chef. I achieved none of those things. Now, I’m twenty-eight, I am basically homeless and without a job, without hope. So, what did I decide to do? I decided to write, and get all my thoughts and feelings down. Sure, I curled up into a ball, I cried, I begged for death, but it didn’t come. So, instead of awaiting the end, I decided to try to accomplish one goal, one little bit of import.

            I was an odd child, I was always a bit shy, quiet, and reflective. I didn’t have many friends, and those I did came and went like flashes of light, there and then just gone. I tried to hold on to those flashes, but you can’t hold onto light, and it slips away. The tiny rural town I grew up in had very strict social rules, conveyed to me as men are men, women are women. We had very defined roles, men had to work and sweat, drink and swear, drive and hunt. As a male, I didn’t fit this role at all, and still don’t. I was an emotional kid, I cried quite a bit. The things I enjoyed, the stuff I wanted, was all wrong. Men didn’t get to pick flowers, men didn’t cry, men didn’t like to dance. So, I felt there must be something wrong with me, something was wrong. I would realize much, much later that something was wrong, but not with me. So, I spent most of my childhood hiding my true desires, my needs to better fit in with the societal norms of the town I grew up in. I became more and more reclusive, less social. I tried to open up to some people, only to be ridiculed and shunned. I decided to focus on gaining knowledge.

            Everyone had their niche, and I was going to be one of the smartest people around, trying to gain in some small way, significance. It didn’t work, oh sure I grew well versed in facts, dates, and random trivia; but I was still a pariah. I hadn’t known that being well-versed was also something men shouldn’t do. I was ridiculed for my knowledge, my studious manners. So, when high school finally claimed me, I decided to not stand out, to simply blend into the background. I failed again. I had been taught that men liked women, and for most of my childhood that’s what I thought I wanted. I was destined to get a job with my hands, drive, drink, and make babies with some girl I remotely liked. This is what I was taught to want, but in high school another quirk reared its fearsome head at me. I already had enough social and design issues to attract violence, I didn’t need another, ad yet, there it was. I found myself attracted, not to the women of my school, but the men. I got screwed on all things, or so I felt.

            I was not handsome, not strong, not manly. To the town I lived in, I was a whole pitiful and useless thing. Sure, I knew a lot, but knowledge was for wussies, and was not manly. Adding homosexuality to that list was the last nail in the coffin. In that society, I might as well have signed my own death warrant. So, what did I decide to do? Like the rest of my desires, I suppressed it as best I could. I thought It’d be easy enough, I had suppressed a lot of my wants over the years, how hard could it be to hide sexuality too. Yeah, we all know how well that will work. Soon enough, my family discovered my worst secret, the one I had tried to hide, and I was forced out of the safety of the closet. Soon enough, it was spread to the schoolkids and all hell broke loose. My siblings deny that they told anyone at the school that I had homosexual tendencies, but I seriously doubt they kept it a secret. I was humiliated, I was treated as a leaper, people avoided me like the plague. I enjoyed it, with them avoiding me, I could focus on myself, avoid socializing, and hide in the background as I had so desired since I began school.

Sadly, somewhere not so willing to let me fade into the shadows as others. Eventually, it lead to a fight. One of my bullies finally got under my skin, and we fought. I already mention I wasn’t physically powerful, but I also didn’t really want to fight, I never did. As you can imagine, we were sent to the principal’s office. At this point in my young life, I respected rules and thought that justice would indeed be served. I was once again, very wrong. I was suspended, and eventually sent away to a mental institution, which I would be in and out of for nearly a decade afterwards. I spent a decade in isolation, with interspersed visits to mental homes. My world, my plans, were all shattered. I spent a decade like that, lonely, isolated, reclusive, depressed, suicidal. Finally, I opened my eyes again, after nearly a decade I truly opened my eyes, and saw the truth. So, what did I do? I decided to write, write about the events, write about my past. Why? So, I can record it, make sense of it, and finally put it behind me and move forward, and hope that this might in some way help someone else open their eyes to the same truth. Regardless of our past, regardless of what we have endured, keep it, but keep it where it belongs, in the past.

Author's Note

tell me your honest critique

Reviews

[Afrodestinyfan]

Hey there Farris, I noticed some little errors in your story so I'll first talk about that.
"I didn’t need another, ad yet, there it was." In this piece, you misspelled the word 'and'. Can happen to anyone man.
"My siblings deny that they told anyone at the school". I think the word 'deny' needs to be in the past tense as well. Don't you think?

Your story really hits me. I'm a sensitive guy as well, but luckily for me, both my family and my environment accepted this, although I was always an odd one and still am.

I really hope that you can accept yourself. I know that is hard to do. Just keep on writing and keep on doing what feels good for you. I'll be rooting for you.

Cheers,

Afrodestinyfan

[Laura Lynn Close]

you have the gift of gab, I think a lot of people feel lonely, you have a way with words, I feel lonely a lot, less so in childhood even though I was alone