Don't Give Up

   “Breaking news: five dead and twenty-three injured in the F7 203 plane crash; the beautiful city of Meagrown completely destroyed after the 7.9 magnitude earthquake; new species of spiders found in Peston; good news! You will be able to cherish your past and peep into your future through the time machine designed by world-famous scientists which is said to be completed within the next twenty years; thirty-five year old man looted and ki...”

  “How ridiculous media is! Best known to distort the news and mislead people. Time machine? Seriously!” I thought to myself as the noise of the juice-maker triumphed over the sound of the television.

  It was the year of 2014. I stood there near the window, with my back to the television, contemplating the view outside. Not exactly contemplating the view, but something else. A problem, an issue. An issue that should have been solved by that time. Lately I had been thinking about my future. I wanted to become a successful person when I grow up. There was just one subject which I liked at school. I would have been very happy to shape a future out of it. The only problem was my bad performance at it. I was not at all bright in that subject. This deterred me and I abstained myself from indulging any further into this.

  Days passed just in the same way, with me thinking and thinking, thinking all the time. When a day came that filled me with confidence to pursue my dream. One fine morning, I sat by myself in a classroom of forty students. What else could I have done out there but think, when suddenly the class teacher stormed in. All of us rose to wish her. She wished back and asked us to sit down.

  “So today…” she said,"we are going to look into the lives of many great people who changed the world with their strong determination to make use of this life and with their belief to follow their instincts.”

  The next moment I was sitting upright in my bed, reiterating the words said by my teacher, in my mind over and over again. Somehow I had started to feel confident and motivated to chase my dream. After thinking “again”, I made my decision. It was easy, to take nothing into consideration but my love towards a specific thing, or a subject in my case, with which I could spend my entire life, to determine my future. It was then and there that I took an oath to not give up on my dream and not to sit idle until my goal is reached.

  Two years had passed and I had not yet given up. Day by day I was improving. I had not broken my oath until then and I never sat idle. In fact on my birthday, too, I was sitting in the park, reading a book. It was the auspicious day of 1^st February in the year 2016. I could hear the birds chirping, children shouting while playing, rustling of the leaves of the trees and the water falling from a fountain. There was no one in the park except the playing children and me. I was lost in my book when all of a sudden my eye caught a glimpse of a woman who, a few seconds ago, was nowhere near the place where she was then, and was walking towards me. I looked up at her and, as a matter of fact, was terrified to see her looking straight at me. She seemed unwilling to stop in her tracks while moving in my direction. She came closer and closer and finally stopped right in front of me. She looked, indeed, a wealthy woman, wearing expensive clothes, shining heels, and a grin on her face. We looked at each other. Surprisingly, she looked a bit familiar to me.

“Who..o..o.. are.. you…u..?”, I stuttered. Her grin transformed into a big, beautiful smile and she said:

“Thank you.”

Then she took the book, which I was reading, out of my hands, examined it, looked back at me, returned me the book, patted me on my back, and went away silently. And I sat there on the bench, with my eyes and mouth wide open in utter astonishment and puzzlement. The woman soon vanished out of sight. I was extremely awestruck. Thousands of questions popped up in my mind. I cursed myself for losing the opportunity of asking her name. I could not do anything but restrain myself from thinking about her and cursing myself for making this mistake at the same time. I quickly ran home.

  Days passed, months passed, and years passed. I encountered nothing new in life. As time went by, I found myself speeding on the path towards my goal. Almost twenty years had passed since I took the oath. Everything and everyone had changed, except me. I remained the same, exactly the same, just a bit cleverer. It was time to put the hard work, that I had done over the years, into action. I was finally ready to take my final step.

  It was the year 2034. We were shifting into our new home. I was stuffing my books into a big cardboard box, when, I came across a book that acted as a distraction from the tiresome labour work that I was doing. It was a book of quotes. I decided to flip through it as a last-minute motivation. As I said earlier, everything had changed, and that included my mobile phone too. Every now and then it used to update me with the news doing rounds across the whole wide world, even without its owner’s consent. The silence that was spread across the room was broken by a loud, manly voice, which was most probably the news readers’. I was startled.

He began- ”As promised to all the citizens of this world, we are here, ready with the time machine’s first trial run today which is going to be telecasted live on television. Don’t forget to witness this run, which will make history, only on 'WorldWide24*7', world’s most trusted news channel.”

  This left me in shock. They had done it. I could never have imagined this. My mobile phone vibrated and the man’s voice continued to read out the news:

  “If this run is successful then the time machine will be open for public-use by the year 2040.”

  “Knew there had to be some 'if’s'!” I said to myself and laughed loudly.

  I went back to the book of quotes. I had reached the end of the book. Unlike other pages, there was only one quote written on the last page in block letters which said:

  “Do something today that your future self will thank you for.”

  Suddenly I heard a sound that broke my concentration. I looked up from my book and saw that my personal diary was lying on the ground, opened. As I bent down to pick it up, I read that first line that started my diary-entry for that particular day to which my diary had opened itself. I read on and on until I finished reading that page. The day which I thought to be the most confusing day of my life until the last few minutes, then became cleared of all confusions. I understood everything. I found my answers to all the questions that drove me crazy at that time. And then my eyes, that were becoming more and more moist every second, shifted upon the date written on top of the page. My diary had opened itself to the diary-entry of 1^st February, 2016.

Reviews

[Joel Crow]

Quite a nice little story. The little bit of ambiguity about the oath makes it intriguing for the reader. One suggestion I would make is that you might hint in some subtle way early on that the narrator is a woman. I didn't even look at your name and thought for some reason it was a man like me, which confused me at first when I came to the ending.
One question: the sentence "All of us rose to wish her." Is that simply short for wishing someone a good morning? I haven't heard that expression before. And that's not a bad thing. I enjoy it when writers of different backgrounds than mine use phrases I'm unfamiliar with.
Keep up the writing.

[Zoya]

Thank you, Joel, for your time and review! You're right with the meaning of that sentence. Wishing the teacher a good morning. I appreciate the review!

[ruth]

Wonderful story. The ending was a bit boring because it seemed drawn out. I think it would've been better if it was right to the point instead of the reader finding out and then the story telling us what we already found out.
That doesn't make sense now that I read it again, but I hope you get what I mean.

[Zoya]

Yes I do. Thanks a lot for reviewing!

[Matthew Ian Herrawood W]

To be Honest I find this a bit Anti-climatic, I also think this could be expanded into a bigger story.

The beginning when you tell us about school and only liking one subject... There is no point to it. You don't tell us what subject it is or what your dream actually is. Either tell us and leave this in or remove it and simply tell the reader you one day decided not to give up on your dreams.

After a bit of thinking I know why future you said "Thank you" to Past you but its not immediately clear and may not be figured out by some.

You also stutter "Who are you?" but then curse yourself for not asking the name. I know what your getting at but "Who are you?" generally refers to a name.

I also don't understand how the word "wish" fits here

All of us rose to wish her. She wished back and asked us to sit down.

Also why did the teacher stormed in and why then behave normal? Storming in means stomping angrily in.

I liked the content of this but found these things mentioned detracting from my enjoyment, however If you were to fix these things I would be very interested in an extended version.
80/100

[Zoya]

First of all, thanks a lot for reviewing. I agree with all the mistakes you've pointed out. But I guess the phrase 'stormed in' also means 'move forcefully in a specified direction'. Anyway, thanks once again for taking out time. I really appreciate the review, and look forward to correct my mistakes.

[Rohit Yadav]

Dear Zoe,
It was a wholesome experience reading your beautiful excerpt. The scenes were created so naturally that I could visualize them happening right in front of me. And the content was great, inspiring me to my pores. I hope you keep writing such good stuff.

P.S.
Wont wish you good luck coz someone with such high self-motivation wont require much of luck.

[Zoya]

Haha, good to know that it inspired you! Thanks for reviewing and also for the indirect wish.

[Mr.Writer]

Great job Zoe...
Love it

[Zoya]

Thanks so much Shaan :)

[C. Lee Battaglia]

Dear Zoe,

When I got to this point in the story, "This left me in shock. They had done it. I could never have imagined this." It told me how talented of a writer you are!
This story was... Astounding.
This small excerpt from your story, “Do something today that your future self will thank you for.”
Made me think of some thing’s and it really touched me.
Zoe, please don't let anyone tell you to stop perusing your dreams.
Another fantastic piece!

Your Admirer,

C. Lee Battaglia

[Zoya]

It feels great to know that my story touched your heart :) Actually, I found those lines on the internet and thought to write a story based on them. So it wasn't exactly me who formed those lines. Thank you very much for reviewing! I really appreciate it.

[matrixmark]

Considering you are 14 years of age, this was really good. You show an effective use of the imagination and the piece does flow nicely. JayG has pointed out a few things which I would have said BUT some of what he is saying could have been compacted.

You do have a lot going on in this piece and some of the sentences do need to be shortened BUT others are pretty much spot on in length. The structure was good and it flowed.

Afterall is said and done, I am still impressed at this caliber of writing which you have produce at such a young age.
I appreciate the effort which you have put into this piece, and as time goes by, your skill as a writer can only get better.

Kudos to you.
Keep writing.
Mark.

[Zoya]

Thank you so much for your kind words :) I really appreciate it!

[matrixmark]

Keep it up.
Mark.

[Valentine]

Reading from line to line and seeing how you form ideas and thoughts amazes me for someone in your age bracket. Just keep writing and learning. We all need to learn something new about writing every day. Valentine

[Zoya]

I agree with you. Thanks a lot :)

[Pravir]

Going thru ur write i was taken fully to ur world of imagination. . . . the best part of this story is dt how easily and effctvely it connects to the reader. . honestly i started to read the first line just read the whole widout any break . . . i loved it. Keep it up my dear frnd

[Zoya]

Thanks a lot Pravir :)

[JayG]

• “Breaking news: five dead and twenty-three injured in the F7 203 plane crash;

When you read this you do so knowing things the reader doesn’t: Where we are in time and space. Who we are. What’s going on. You also know how the news is read, so far as the emotion in the announcer’s voice.

From the reader’s viewpoint?

1. A voice we can’t hear, in an unknown place, is talking about a plane crash and other items. But since we don’t know how any of it relates to the society where the news is being listened to, who’s listening, and why, it’s data the reader must remember. And because that’s true your reader has no context to make the words meaningful. For example, what’s a F7 203?

2. No one, when presenting the news simply reads item after item with no explanation, hesitation, expansion, or even a lead-in to the story. So this can’t work because it doesn’t mirror reality.

3. You present four news stories. Only one of them matters. But the reader has no way to tell that, so they must memorize the data for when it does matter. Readers aren’t willing to do that. And an acquiring editor, on seeing this in a submission, would stop reading here.

Bad news, I know, but it is the world we live and work in, and that editor’s view does mirror the way a reader reacts in a bookstore.

4. You’re misusing the ellipsis. It’s three dots when trailing off out of an inability to continue, four (optionally) if the sentence is ended with a deliberate trail off. It is never a line of dots.

• “How ridiculous media is, best known to distort the news and mislead people. Time machine?! Seriously!!!” I thought to myself as the loud noise of the juice-maker triumphed over the sound of the television.

1. One punctuation mark is all you get. That’s the rule and it’s immutable. Every successful writer has been able to work with that, so you need to learn how to place the emotion into the words, instead of trying to apply it externally, through improper punctuation.

2. Tags must appear quickly, or it’s like presenting a ten minute speech and appending, “he said,” at the end. But in this case, a tag is unnecessary because it’s a thought, and thoughts are presented in italics.

3. No living human would talk to themselves the way the first line does. You cannot, cannot, cannot force words on the character, just to explain things or the situation to the reader. This person would react to the words, not comment on the media before reacting. The news reports the stories, but they aren’t to blame for the content. And, the listener’s reaction would probably be more like, “A time machine? They have to be kidding.”

4. Why tell the reader the juicer is loud when you next tell them it drowns out the TV’s sound? Won’t they be able to guess it’s loud based on what it does? I also have to say that I’ve been using juicers since they came out. They’re not nearly as loud as my coffee grinder, and that, though loud, doesn’t drown out the TV. Yours might be that loud, but the reader can only compare it to what they know, and you need to take that into account. Never lose sight of the fact that your reader can only take the meaning the words suggest to them, not you.

Here’s the deal. At the moment you’re talking to the reader, and telling them the story. But that can’t work. Why? Because the reader can’t hear your voice. So while to you the words are filled with emotion, to the reader it’s a monotone. Have your computer read the opening to you and you’ll hear the problem.

Added to that, they can’t see the expressions and gestures you use to liven up the telling. So in the end, you’re using storytelling techniques that our medium doesn’t support.

And that goes a lot further. Because our medium is unlike the stage, screen, or verbal storytelling, everything about the way we present our story changes. But nothing in our schooldays prepares us for that. In fact, they never even mention that they’re teaching us only nonfiction skills (remember how many reports and essays you were asked to write, compared to the number of stories?).

And that’s what you need to fix. There’s a lot to any profession that’s not visible from the outside, much of it something that, once heard, makes you wonder why you didn’t see it for yourself.

At the moment, because of your nonfiction training, you’re approaching the story as something to be explained. But readers want to be entertained, not just informed. And that takes a very different approach, one more emotion that fact driven. They want a story that’s character-centric, not author-centric. If you’re telling about someone falling in love, for example, readers aren’t looking to know the character did, they want to be made to fall in love, with the same person, for the same reasons.

It’s not a matter of talent or good writing, it’s that you need the knowledge that makes the pros be pros. More than knowing what to do, you need to know what to avoid. And no way around it, you need to learn the tricks-of-the-trade. As E. L. Doctorow observed, “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader, not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

Not good news, I know. But you can learn the tricks of writing fiction as easily (or with as much difficulty, I suppose) as you learned your nonfiction skills.

For a kind of overview, you might poke around in the writing articles in my blog. But for the real data, go to the pros. With them you know that the advice works, at least for them.

One book I particularly like for the newer writer is Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. It’s a warm easy read, and will introduce you to the nuts-and-bolts issues of writing fiction for the page.

But keep in mind that Deb’s book, and any other on writing, should be read slowly, with plenty of time to think over how what is introduced on a given page will apply to your writing. You also need to take time to practice each point and make it yours before going on, or a week later you will have forgotten it exists.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Zoya]

Thank you for taking out so much of your time to tell me my mistakes and also ways to correct them. I really appreciate it. Thanks!

[andrew mitchell]

Thank you Zoe for your request and Jay for such a helpful review.

[Zoya]

You are welcome!

[Njeri Brooks]

Wow, this is the first time I've read a story in prose on Writer's cafe that really enticed me with the premise. (I wasn't even aware writer's cafe existed until this pasted mid December.)

Realistic fiction is one of the many genres I like to read, and you certainly did a remarkable job with it.

In addition to this, I am Soo happy that there weren't any grammar mistakes that jumped out at me.

For me, grammatical mistakes always seem to suck the life out of reading...but this piece did no such thing.

Obviously, proof reading is your best friend.

Thank you for sharing this intriguing tale with me!! :)

[Zoya]

Thank you so much:)I think you guessed it right...I am very careful with the grammar...For it is a little thing that makes a big difference.