The Crooked House

My hands are cold, my face is bruised,

My clothes and shoes are torn.

As I have reached yet so far,

On the way that i had sworn.

Carrying only a drawing of,

A crooked house that i made.

After my dreams tested my patience,

Showing me this house, nightly, to locate.

I had the feeling as if,

There was something for me in there.

Thousands of voices calling out my name,

The house might make me a millionaire!

I stand there with the drawing in my hand,

Raised up to meet my eye-level.

As I lower my hand to look around,

The sight of the same house gives me a tremble.

Each step gets me closer to the house,

The same voices filling my ears.

My hands shake as i open the iron gates,

I deem my end is near.

I find myself lucky enough,

To be alive while entering the house.

For I just had a near escape,

From the gates that were forcing me out.

And as I enter the house,

The darkness of hell surrounds me.

I pull myself together and continue moving,

Towards a streak of light which I see.

I finally reach the room from where,

The streak of light seems to come.

Standing at the door in utter disbelief,

Is my reaction to the sight of my dead dad and mum.

Dressed all in white, glowing from head to toe,

They take a step in my direction.

I feel scared and try to move back,

But I'm held in place due to their affection

An inch away from me they stand,

Looking just like angels from Heaven.

I vaguely remember their faces for,

They left when i was barely seven.

In no time my mother starts talking,

In an eerie voice I've never heard.

The lines she says, leave me in confusion,

Since they contain the following words:

"Darling! Good to see you after a long time,

You haven't even changed a bit.

Audacious enough to have reached this house,

The only thing you lack is wit.

Oh, I hope you haven't forgotten about,

The warning we gave you before leaving for this house.

In greed we set off with some empty bags,

At night when you just began to drowse.

We shook you to senses and said:

"We're going to leave you alone for sometime,

Don't worry, 'cause when we return,

You'll no longer wear these clothes of grime.

In case we don't return,

Within the next ten days,

Beware of a crooked house that might,

Lure you into searching for its way."

Now my father begins-''Oh dear, it seems as if,

You were half-asleep when we warned you.

In greed and hunger you've reached here,

What will happen next, you haven't got a clue."

He barely finishes the sentence,

When two hands grab my foot from behind.

They pull me down and take me away from my parents,

Who ignore me and stand there as blinds.

After, what it seems, a year I open my eyes,

To find myself lying on a huge bed.

I see my ghostly parents and beg them to spare me,

When they say in a frightening whisper-"Baby, you're already dead."

Author's Note

I'd like to tell you that I sought the inspiration for this poem from the music video of the popular song 'Faded' by Alan Walker. I just wanted to put forward my thoughts regarding the video so I chose to present them in a rather cool way. The poem also tells that greed is often fatal. I hope you like it. Please review.

Reviews

[Omikron]

It's a very elaborate poem, much like a story. However, I find it a bit lacking in rhythm, I think the rhymes are excellent but the absence of a pattern slightly distracting, and I think that the story would be presented in a better way if there was a more regular pattern. But maybe that's just me, I'm not used to read poems like this.

I truly admire your talent for telling a story in such a beautiful way. Thank you for sharing.

// O

[Zoya]

I agree with you. There is an absence of pattern. This was my first attempt at writing a poem actually. Thanks a lot for the review :)

[Najam Us Saher]

What an impressive work......!!! I am speechless. My eyes were glued to the sentences. Amazing story through a poem. Loved it.
By the way I was thinking about the same song 'Faded' even I love that song. 😀

[Zoya]

Oh thanks a lot Najam :)

[Najam Us Saher]

My pleasure :)

[Surya]

You had painted a voice of soul, I feel so.
Story teller ofcourse, Indeed a great one, I must agree it.Haha,
Thank you Zoe for sharing.

[Zoya]

Thank you so much Surya!

[Valentine]

Honey, for being only 14 years old, you are a real story teller. This also flows in somewhat of poetry fashion. I am going to forward it to my friends so they can share in it. Valentine

[Zoya]

Thank you so much Valentine :) I really appreciate it!

[Lovecraft]

Actually, the first couple stanza's sound almost Lovecraftian.

A great story about greed, ghosts/spirits and death. The theme that greed may lead to your death is quite true oftentimes. It's a good title suggesting a horror story. This reminds me of a tale a read by Nathaniel Hawthorne, which is a good thing. :)

Overall, a fairly creepy ambiance pervades the story and the ending is good but somewhat expected. There are some grammar/syntax issues, but they don't take away from the piece.

Still, this poem is very good and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Keep doing poems like this, I see much potential. ;)

[Zoya]

Thank you so much Lovecraft! I know some syntax errors were bound to happen since this was my first poem. Thanks once again.

[Lovecraft]

Oh, I didn't know this was your first poem. In that case, very well-done. :)

[Zoya]

Thank you:)

[DoormanDan]

This is a pretty interesting story, and I really liked it. I really admire the sudden (yet not forced) twist the poem took halfway through. At first, I thought that this would just be a poem about trying to be successful in the world, so I didn't anticipate the direction this went in. I agree with Keegan; you're a good story teller. The moral about greed was incorporated nicely; not too vague, not too in your face either. I have nothing t o really criticize here. This is a solid poem through and through! :)

[Zoya]

I am really happy to know that you found this interesting :) Thank you so much.

[KeeD]

You're a story teller. You have talent and vision, cultivate it and trying to mimic artistic styles of your favourite poets by adding your own spin and tale to it. I loved the poem, the plot really had me immersed from start to finish and the concept was really smart. I would say work on your flow, having flow in a poem is very important so that stanzas and sentences don't feel forced and structure isn't broken to a point where the reader loses his trend of though when imagining your words. Keep it up you're on your way to becoming an amazing writer, you're already really good!

[Zoya]

Thank you so much for your kind words Keegan! It made my day :)

[andrew mitchell]

I liked the dark story and we all can learn from Jay.

[Zoya]

You're right! Thanks for reviewing.

[Ashish]

Wow, I loved it. I viewed it as a story rather than a poem...
Good descriptions..

Keep it up :)

[Zoya]

Thank you Ashish!

[JayG]

Several points worth noting:

• It is an unbreakable rule: you can’t make up your own punctuation. And it’s a good one because the emotion belongs in the words, not the punctuation. So, forgetting that the line is neither a question nor shouted, dump the: ?!

• If you’re going to write rhyming poetry you don’t rhyme now and then, or mostly. You set up a reader’s expectations when you use rhyming, and provide a cadence. So you need to continue or avoid it. But more then that, with structured poetry comes structure, and you’re you have none but the constant number of lines per stanza. The number of feet per line is random and prosody is ignored, which works against you. Take a look at the excerpt for Stephen Fry’s The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon, and you’ll be glad you did. It’s an excellent introduction to structured, and even unstructured poetry, because he talks about how we perceive and use words.

For an example of what prosody can do for you, try, The Cremation of Sam McGee, by Robert Service. It was written over a hundred years ago. It ticks along like a clock, providing a steady musical beat throughout, and can still, after all that time, bring a smile.
http://www.wordinfo.info/words/index/info/view_unit/2640/?letter=C&spage=26

As for the content, I think you’re falling into the trap of “telling.” I know what you’re trying to do, but never lose sight of the fact that the reader, especially of poetry, isn’t looking for “this happened…then that happened…This is how I felt…and after that…” They don’t want facts. They want you to make them FEEL, not just know. But because of the terseness of poetry, we get an overview. So we know what happened, but little about the way the one experiencing the events views them. When you say, “From the gates that were forcing me out,” what can that mean to a reader who just read, “i open the iron gates,” a stanza before? And when the reader hits, “I deem my end is near,” won’t they shake their head and wonder why anyone would go in, when they’re convinced they’re going to die if they do? It gives the impression that the character is driven by the script, not human emotion and decisions.

It’s not a matter of good or bad poetry, it’s that poetry is filled with gotchas that are far from obvious. But three things will help. First is that excerpt I suggested, and second is to keep in mind that the reader has only what the words suggest to THEM, based on what has been said, and what the words suggest, based on their experience and background.

Finally, never forget that out goal is to make the reader FEEL. Were you someone like Poe, and writing horror, your reader isn’t interested to learn that the character knows fear. They want you to make THEM afraid to turn out the lights. A reader wants to fall in love, laugh, and be made to cry. And you must do that to someone you will never meet, though the power and placement of your words. It’s a daunting task. But that’s what makes it such fun.

And the good news? I’m talking about the learned part of writing poetry, not talent. So who knows…if you have the knowledge that Robert Service did when he penned his work, maybe you can move your readers as well.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Zoya]

Thank you for reviewing Jay! You're a great adviser. I am looking forward to correct my mistakes through the ways you've suggested. Thanks once again.

[Tony Jordan]

Wow - that was a wonderful review - I picked so much up from it - amazing JayG

[andrew mitchell]

Thanks for the informative review Jay. My great great grandpa was a Robert Service, a carpenter and traveller, I wonder if he;'s related lol.

[KeeD]

Really great review, it even educated and helped me a lot, thanks Jay!

[JessyJacob]

I really liked the correct analysis, maybe the experience from our own genes, very clear, i too lose sometimes, my path when I go through, but review and making us feel what we did, is like reward which makes them credited. Thank you so much for the great analysis.

[JessyJacob]

I feel script is like perfect shape without weirdity, not weird we want to look, unwanted human emotions and decisions make them look weird, though they are in perfect shape.

[JessyJacob]

It rejuvenating my grip back, and refreshing my teachings back, and learning from you still. After all its a short life over earth, but soul life is permanent, and goes on. It didnot scared me to listen to what happened, but it hurted me when i was listening, present tense.

[JessyJacob]

I like my old teachings, they are better than our own rules.

[JessyJacob]

Sure, West meets East, never we look cheap before any.

[Tony Jordan]

I concur.....

[Coyote Poetry]

A very nice tale described. I like the situations and the good ending.
"After, what it seems, a year I open my eyes,
And look around to find myself lying on a bed.
I see my ghostly parents by my side and beg them not to kill me,"
I liked the above closing lines. Perfect. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote
When they say in a frightening whisper-"Baby, you're already dead."

[Zoya]

Thank you so much Coyote! You are always the first one to review my work.

[Coyote Poetry]

I enjoyed your work and you are welcome.