In The Depths Of A Dark Forest...

      A cold, blustery wind swept past my face as I stood there alone, petrified, clueless, in the depths of a dark forest. Suppressing all the questions that took form in my mind with every hoot of the owl and chirp of the crickets, I took a step forward. The sound of a twig breaking from my weight echoed through the almost silent wilderness. There was no sign of movement. I continued to walk with heavy steps under the starry night-sky; the huge trees around me prevented even a speck of moonlight from reaching the ground. My ears, listening closely for the softest of noises, abruptly heard a low, inhuman sound that froze me in my tracks. Oblivious of the forthcoming danger, I slowly turned around to locate the source of the sonance.

      The ravenous beast’s ferocious yellow eyes met mine. In the blink of an eye I spun around and ran for my life, though knowing I was sure to be followed. In a distance I could hear the rapidly approaching footsteps. I feared looking back. Unaware of the fact that my legs were taking me deeper and deeper into the ghastly forest, i kept running. The beast seemed determined enough to have me as his dinner that night. With my heart pounding, throat as dry as a desert, and clothes wet with sweat, i came to a halt; not because of my feet’s inability to take me any further, but due to the sight of the monstrous trees that rose into the gloomy night-sky, stretching all the way up to infinity. It was an unusual setting. The trees were positioned in a huge circle, seemingly standing guard to something. But the thing which i found more disturbing was the small gap between the two trees standing right in front of me. It seemed as if someone had twisted the tree trunks out of shape, especially for me to pass through. Without wasting another moment I slid through the small opening. Alas! I wish I hadn’t. Beams of shining white light, appearing to originate from the heart of the evergreen circle, pierced my eyes like arrows. My eyes adjusted to the light before they fell upon its genesis. I couldn’t believe my eyes. In all its glory, emblazoned with all kinds of gems, shimmering with a glow, stood a gleaming brand-new sword, as if patiently waiting for someone...waiting for me.

      I neared the tree stump into which the sword was fixed. Inching closer to it, I read the words engraved on wood: “Now or Never”. It all happened so fast. I pulled out the sword applying some strength. I felt the beast’s presence behind me. Without giving another thought I turned around, and the last thing I saw was blood. Everything went pitch black. All i could see were words, words in red ink, blinking on my computer screen, saying...“Game over. You win.”

Author's Note

Thoughts?

Reviews

[elioaks]

I really liked the sudden twist at the end. I have to admit, I'm a sucker for those kinds of endings. However, there were some points when you used very intelligent vocabulary ("...fell upon its genesis" or "...the source of the sonance"), and they didn't sit well with me. That high-level vocabulary is tricky to use in a first-person narrative because you first have to convince the reader that the narrator is someone who would use those words. The protagonist's voice wasn't consistent and therefore made the story a bit choppy at points. Other than that, great story!

[Zoya]

Yeah, I agree. Thanks for your time and review!

[Tegon Maus]

Good story Zoe... I liked it !

[Zoya]

Thank you so much!

[JordanStories]

AMAZING!! | 96/100 | You are 1st place in the contest :D

[Zoya]

Why thank you :)

[Petar Oklobdzija]

your ability to get so much out of so little was wonderful to experience, well done!

[Zoya]

Thank you so very much! I appreciate it.

[.]

Hahaha. Very clever!

A wonderfully descriptive short story. Very well paced, keeping the reader glued to the page. And those final lines really surprised this reader!

It seems someone has found inspiration from the gaming screen!

Very well done!

[Zoya]

Haha, the gaming screen proved to be productive I guess. Thank you so very much for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it!

[Carol Cashes]

AAAAHHH!! Well and truly done. Game over, indeed. Your talent in the telling of this tale had my eyes moving as fast as "she" was running!

[Zoya]

Oh, she indeed was running quite fast, hah! Thank you so much for stopping by :)

[Sofia]

Now, I feel this is best one among all ur stories..the twist is so amazing.. the description at the starting was also excellent..love it :)

[Zoya]

Thanks a ton, Sofia! Truly appreciate it.

[Sofia]

Most welcome :)

[Chase Dylan]

That ending, though... Was dragged through all that for a darn video game...! I was scared speechless at moments... Ugh, haha... You got meh... But you got the beast better, and with an engraved sword... So badass... Fantastically penned...

[Zoya]

Yep, I got the beast, yay! Thank you so much for reviewing. I appreciate it!

[Chase Dylan]

At least you had the presence of mind to run away until you leveled up, haha... No problem

[Stan Lee]

Ha! That was a good plot twist! You had me fooled. Good job Zoe. You built up the tension well. :)

[Zoya]

Thanks a lot :)

[AnApple]

While I like the idea behind it, and the writing was all around solid, a few things about the story sort of bother me. I feel like it's length might be weighing it down a bit. Throughout the whole thing, we aren't really given a chance to learn or empathize with, or even learn about the main character. The thing this story is built on seems to be suspense. We start out by thinking ‘how did this person get here’, and then it slowly gets stranger, more mysterious, and more other worldly from there. The questions keep and keep on piling up, and eventually find out the answer to all of those questions is, ‘because it’s a video game.’ Now, while that is a pretty cool reveal, if you’d made me care about the main character, then it would add to the suspense immensely. I don’t really quite understand who they are. Another thing is the story has a few contrivances that really detract from the twist. The protagonist sweats, and feels the wind which should be impossible. I can only assume either
A.This is like a VR game in the future or B.The protagonist is so invested in the game that that’s what it feels like to them.
While both of these would be interesting, especially the second one as it would have made me care about your main character more, we just aren’t given enough to go on. I think this peace had potential, but would have been serviced greatly by more character information, and a bit of polishing of the details.

[Zoya]

I totally agree with you. Hopefully I'll do better with my next piece. Thanks a lot for the constructive review and your time! I appreciate it.

[matrixmark]

Well well Zoe, what do we have here. A little twister of a tale. This was an EXCELLENTpiece. Yes, there are a few errors BUT however I feel that you have put a though, time and effort into making this piece look as sharp as you possible can. I do like your higher vocab range which is scattered amongst the tale. It shows that you are eager to learn and advance your skills as a writer - KEEP GOING WITH IT.
The images which you put in my minds eye were really good. Over time, these will start to transform into much greater and you are only 14 now. So you have oodles of time to makeyour writing something spectacular. For me, the piece worked really well and I am so excited to see progression in your writing. This was good work and I really enjoyed the little twist a the end. I'm a sucker for short pieces like this and you sure pulled me in.

Great work Zoe.

Keep writing.

Mark.

[Zoya]

Thank you so much there! Yeah...real eager to learn and proceed. Hopefully I'll be able to rectify my mistakes with time. Thanks again for reviewing :)