In The Depths Of A Dark Forest...

A Story by Zoya

A cold, blustery wind swept past my face as I stood there alone, petrified, clueless, in the depths of a dark forest. Suppressing all the questions that took form in my mind with every hoot of the owl and chirp of the crickets, I took a step forward. The sound of a twig breaking from my weight echoed through the almost silent wilderness. There was no sign of movement. I continued to walk with heavy steps under the starry night-sky; the huge trees around me prevented even a speck of moonlight from reaching the ground. My ears, listening closely for the softest of noises, abruptly heard a low, inhuman sound that froze me in my tracks. Oblivious of the forthcoming danger, I slowly turned around to locate the source of the sonance.

The ravenous beast’s ferocious yellow eyes met mine. In the blink of an eye I spun around and ran for my life, though knowing I was sure to be followed. In a distance I could hear the rapidly approaching footsteps. I feared looking back. Unaware of the fact that my legs were taking me deeper and deeper into the ghastly forest, i kept running. The beast seemed determined enough to have me as his dinner that night. With my heart pounding, throat as dry as a desert, and clothes wet with sweat, i came to a halt; not because of my feet’s inability to take me any further, but due to the sight of the monstrous trees that rose into the gloomy night-sky, stretching all the way up to infinity. It was an unusual setting. The trees were positioned in a huge circle, seemingly standing guard to something. But the thing which i found more disturbing was the small gap between the two trees standing right in front of me. It seemed as if someone had twisted the tree trunks out of shape, especially for me to pass through. Without wasting another moment I slid through the small opening. Alas! I wish I hadn’t. Beams of shining white light, appearing to originate from the heart of the evergreen circle, pierced my eyes like arrows. My eyes adjusted to the light before they fell upon its genesis. I couldn’t believe my eyes. In all its glory, emblazoned with all kinds of gems, shimmering with a glow, stood a gleaming brand-new sword, as if patiently waiting for someone...waiting for me.

I neared the tree stump into which the sword was fixed. Inching closer to it, I read the words engraved on wood: “Now or Never”. It all happened so fast. I pulled out the sword applying some strength. I felt the beast’s presence behind me. Without giving another thought I turned around, and the last thing I saw was blood. Everything went pitch black. All i could see were words, words in red ink, blinking on my computer screen, saying...“Game over. You win.”

© 2018 Zoya

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elioaks

I really liked the sudden twist at the end. I have to admit, I'm a sucker for those kinds of endings. However, there were some points when you used very intelligent vocabulary ("...fell upon its genesis" or "...the source of the sonance"), and they didn't sit well with me. That high-level vocabulary is tricky to use in a first-person narrative because you first have to convince the reader that the narrator is someone who would use those words. The protagonist's voice wasn't consistent and therefore made the story a bit choppy at points. Other than that, great story!

Posted 6 Years Ago

2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

6 Years Ago

Yeah, I agree. Thanks for your time and review!

Reviews

JayG

For fourteen this is surprisingly good. I’m impressed. Some editing comments:

• The cold, blustery wind swept past my face as I stood there alone, petrified, clueless, in the depths of a dark forest.

Minor point: What function does the word “there” serve that makes it necessary? Every unnecessary word you can remove makes the story read faster and have more impact.

In line with that, what purpose does “clueless” serve, given that we don’t yet know enough about the situation to know what s/he should know but doesn’t (as another point, notice that in first person the reader doesn’t know gender unless you make them know it). Here, you, the narrator, are talking ABOUT the situation from the comfort of your easy chair, using knowledge that only the one who survived the night being described has. But that’s a history lesson. Why not present the viewpoint of the one experiencing the events instead of a synopsis given by someone not on the scene? Remember, the one living the scene and the narrator live at different times and in different places. So they can’t appear on stage together.

First person pronouns do not give you the right to tell the story as a storyteller because you were (supposedly) once the one living the story. Your reader is seeking to be entertained, by being made to live the events, not learn about them. History lessons are seldom entertaining. Life is.

• Suppressing all the questions that took form in my mind with every hoot of the owl and chirp of the crickets, I took a step forward.

So what function does “all” play that’s necessary? Doesn’t “the questions” include every one, in and of itself?

• The sound of a twig breaking from my weight echoed through the almost silent wilderness.

No. A twig may seem loud in silence, but it does not echo. And doesn't “from my weight” reduce to “underfoot” with no loss of impact? Fewer words = more impact, should be your mantra.

• There was no sign of movement.

Didn’t you just say the night was silent? Doesn’t that include sound of movement? And ask yourself if, were you to mention nothing about movement, the reader wouldn’t assume that there was nothing that seemed threatening? If so, why spell out that nothing was moving. Tell what happens, not what doesn't. Focus on s/he notices and reacts to. S/he might have observed this BEFORE s/he began to move, and have it be the reason she felt it safe to move, though.

• I continued to walk with heavy steps under the starry night-sky; the huge trees around me prevented even a speck of moonlight from reaching the ground.

Not possible that the person can see a starry sky yet have no moonlight reach his/her eyes. And if the character can't see it they have no way to know if the stars are out. And, if it's that dark no one can walk through a forest—or see the eyes of an animal because of the light reflected from its eyes.

But that’s minor, because here we confront what is a major misconception and its effect. The misconception is the belief that you learned to write in school, and that the skills of report and essay writing apply to other fields of writing, like fiction. They don’t because the mission is very different. Schools serve to prepare us to be employed and self-supporting adults. As such, the skills we learn are general, and slanted to the needs of employers. You write far more essays and reports than stories, because employers need them. Few employers seek fiction writers (other then politicians and advertisers). So the writing style we learn, like what you use here, is author-centric, fact-based, and meant to inform.

Thus, you use those skills here and explain the story to the reader. So yes, we learn detail after detail, as if in a report. But does a report entertain? No. And that matters, because the entire purpose of reading fiction is to be entertained. The nonfiction skills our teachers impart won’t do the job. But since our teachers, having learned to write in the same classrooms, and not being writers, don’t know that, who’s to tell us?

And that’s what you need to fix. You need to add the skills of writing fiction to those you already own, so your fiction becomes emotion-based and character-centric.

Your story has elements of a horror story. Is the goal to make the reader know that your protagonist feels terror? Or is it to terrorize the reader and make them afraid to turn out the lights?

See the difference?

Look at a small example:

My ears, listening closely for the softest of noises, abruptly heard a low, inhuman sound that froze me in my tracks.

1. What else can listen but ears? And aren’t they always listening for any sound, especially when danger threatens? If so, does the reader really need to be told that?

And what sound doesn’t begin abruptly? That aside, why explain that the ears heard the sound? Only the storyteller sees it that way. Only the storyteller would call it “a sound.” Your protagonist HEARS it and reacts to that it SEEMS to be. So in their viewpoint, in the moment the character calls now, it’s more like:
- - - - - -
From somewhere ahead came a low, inhuman growl that froze me in mid-stride as I scanned the darkness, with all senses, seeking the source of the noise and praying that I’d mistaken a harmless night noise for something far more dangerous. But then, thirty steps ahead and to the right yellow eyes blinked, drawing my attention and sending a chill. I was in trouble.
- - - - - -

Look at the difference. Everything comes from the protagonist, not a disembodied voice who's tone I can’t hear, spoken by a storyteller whose performance is invisible. And in this version, your protagonist is noticing and reacting, moment by moment, giving a feeling of time passing as each decision point appears and it acted on.

So, s/he notices the growl and reacts by stopping instantly (mid-stride), seeking the source of the growl, and praying that things are okay. Isn’t that what you and I would do? Because we're thinking as the character does we react as the character.

Thinking as the storyteller we would ASSIGN the character actions and emotions according to the needs of the plot, not what the situation suggests to them. And how real can that seem?

Next, our protagonist notices the beast, and where it is. Why it’s noticed is because it blinks, making it more natural than simply saying that the protagonist finally found it: cause and effect always rules.

The character reacts to noticing the beast by both the chill and the realization that s/he is in trouble.

Again, reacting like anyone in that situation without weapons would, making it seem both real and natural. And by keying the protagonist’s actions to how anyone in that precise position, with the same resources and knowledge would, the reader has calibrated their own response to the character’s, and is living the story, not learning about it.

Told as a history, there’s no uncertainty. What will come will come. But here, the reader has just been made to say, “Oh damn, what do we do now? So now, they want to know what the protagonist, given the situation and lack of weapons, will do, to see if it brings safety.

In other words, we just hooked that reader and made them WANT to turn the page. History lessons don’t do that.

As a minor matter, you need to rethink. A hunting beast moves so much faster than a human that it would be a step or two and it’s over. Yet you have the protagonist not only run in no-moon darkness without slamming into a tree or being caught, you have the character stop, look at the trees, and then slide through an opening without being caught. That’s really hard to buy

But that aside, how do we fix this.

First, to better understand how having a strong viewpoint helps, take a look at this article:
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/the-grumpy-writing-coach-8/

Two more that might explain are here
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2014/09/14/a-mirror-for-the-mind-the-grump-writing-coach/
And here:
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2015/05/13/inside-out-the-grumpy-writing-coach/
There are other articles in my blog that might help, too.

But in the end, what you really need is a very good book on fiction writing techniques that will give you the nuts and bolts issues. I can recommend two. Which you choose depends on how you choose to proceed. One is very good, and a warm easy read. The other is more difficult—a college level book but the best I’ve found. Eventually it might be worth reading them both. With at least six months practice between.

Debra Dixon’s GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict is a warm easy read, one that’s like having a conversation with Deb. It will explain why the sentence, “Gail smiled when John came through the door,” is not the best way to say it.

Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer is an older book, one that talks about your typewriter. That aside, it’s the best book on the subject I’ve found, though it tends to be a bit dry at times because it goes so deep into the details, and Swain tends to be a bit disorganized. But it is, as I said, the best.

Whichever you decide on, tell your parents they’re worth the price because they may improve your grades by making you write with more skill. You can also tell them that in my estimation, you are already a much more eloquent writer that most eighteen year olds, and the investment is worth it.

But whatever you do, hang in there, and keep-on-writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Posted 6 Years Ago

For fourteen this is surprisingly good. I’m impressed. Some editing comments:

• The cold, blustery wind swept past my face as I stood there alone, petrified, clueless, in the depths of a dark forest.

Minor point: What function does the word “there” serve that makes it necessary? Every unnecessary word you can remove makes the story read faster and have more impact.

In line with that, what purpose does “clueless” serve, given that we don’t yet know enough about the situation to know what s/he should know but doesn’t (as another point, notice that in first person the reader doesn’t know gender unless you make them know it). Here, you, the narrator, are talking ABOUT the situation from the comfort of your easy chair, using knowledge that only the one who survived the night being described has. But that’s a history lesson. Why not present the viewpoint of the one experiencing the events instead of a synopsis given by someone not on the scene? Remember, the one living the scene and the narrator live at different times and in different places. So they can’t appear on stage together.

First person pronouns do not give you the right to tell the story as a storyteller because you were (supposedly) once the one living the story. Your reader is seeking to be entertained, by being made to live the events, not learn about them. History lessons are seldom entertaining. Life is.

• Suppressing all the questions that took form in my mind with every hoot of the owl and chirp of the crickets, I took a step forward.

So what function does “all” play that’s necessary? Doesn’t “the questions” include every one, in and of itself?

• The sound of a twig breaking from my weight echoed through the almost silent wilderness.

No. A twig may seem loud in silence, but it does not echo. And doesn't “from my weight” reduce to “underfoot” with no loss of impact? Fewer words = more impact, should be your mantra.

• There was no sign of movement.

Didn’t you just say the night was silent? Doesn’t that include sound of movement? And ask yourself if, were you to mention nothing about movement, the reader wouldn’t assume that there was nothing that seemed threatening? If so, why spell out that nothing was moving. Tell what happens, not what doesn't. Focus on s/he notices and reacts to. S/he might have observed this BEFORE s/he began to move, and have it be the reason she felt it safe to move, though.

• I continued to walk with heavy steps under the starry night-sky; the huge trees around me prevented even a speck of moonlight from reaching the ground.

Not possible that the person can see a starry sky yet have no moonlight reach his/her eyes. And if the character can't see it they have no way to know if the stars are out. And, if it's that dark no one can walk through a forest—or see the eyes of an animal because of the light reflected from its eyes.

But that’s minor, because here we confront what is a major misconception and its effect. The misconception is the belief that you learned to write in school, and that the skills of report and essay writing apply to other fields of writing, like fiction. They don’t because the mission is very different. Schools serve to prepare us to be employed and self-supporting adults. As such, the skills we learn are general, and slanted to the needs of employers. You write far more essays and reports than stories, because employers need them. Few employers seek fiction writers (other then politicians and advertisers). So the writing style we learn, like what you use here, is author-centric, fact-based, and meant to inform.

Thus, you use those skills here and explain the story to the reader. So yes, we learn detail after detail, as if in a report. But does a report entertain? No. And that matters, because the entire purpose of reading fiction is to be entertained. The nonfiction skills our teachers impart won’t do the job. But since our teachers, having learned to write in the same classrooms, and not being writers, don’t know that, who’s to tell us?

And that’s what you need to fix. You need to add the skills of writing fiction to those you already own, so your fiction becomes emotion-based and character-centric.

Your story has elements of a horror story. Is the goal to make the reader know that your protagonist feels terror? Or is it to terrorize the reader and make them afraid to turn out the lights?

See the difference?

Look at a small example:

My ears, listening closely for the softest of noises, abruptly heard a low, inhuman sound that froze me in my tracks.

1. What else can listen but ears? And aren’t they always listening for any sound, especially when danger threatens? If so, does the reader really need to be told that?

And what sound doesn’t begin abruptly? That aside, why explain that the ears heard the sound? Only the storyteller sees it that way. Only the storyteller would call it “a sound.” Your protagonist HEARS it and reacts to that it SEEMS to be. So in their viewpoint, in the moment the character calls now, it’s more like:
- - - - - - 
From somewhere ahead came a low, inhuman growl that froze me in mid-stride as I scanned the darkness, with all senses, seeking the source of the noise and praying that I’d mistaken a harmless night noise for something far more dangerous. But then, thirty steps ahead and to the right yellow eyes blinked, drawing my attention and sending a chill. I was in trouble.
- - - - - -

Look at the difference. Everything comes from the protagonist, not a disembodied voice who's tone I can’t hear, spoken by a storyteller whose performance is invisible. And in this version, your protagonist is noticing and reacting, moment by moment, giving a feeling of time passing as each decision point appears and it acted on.

So, s/he notices the growl and reacts by stopping instantly (mid-stride), seeking the source of the growl, and praying that things are okay. Isn’t that what you and I would do? Because we're thinking as the character does we react as the character.

Thinking as the storyteller we would ASSIGN the character actions and emotions according to the needs of the plot, not what the situation suggests to them. And how real can that seem?

Next, our protagonist notices the beast, and where it is. Why it’s noticed is because it blinks, making it more natural than simply saying that the protagonist finally found it: cause and effect always rules.

The character reacts to noticing the beast by both the chill and the realization that s/he is in trouble.

Again, reacting like anyone in that situation without weapons would, making it seem both real and natural. And by keying the protagonist’s actions to how anyone in that precise position, with the same resources and knowledge would, the reader has calibrated their own response to the character’s, and is living the story, not learning about it.

Told as a history, there’s no uncertainty. What will come will come. But here, the reader has just been made to say, “Oh damn, what do we do now? So now, they want to know what the protagonist, given the situation and lack of weapons, will do, to see if it brings safety.

In other words, we just hooked that reader and made them WANT to turn the page. History lessons don’t do that.

As a minor matter, you need to rethink. A hunting beast moves so much faster than a human that it would be a step or two and it’s over. Yet you have the protagonist not only run in no-moon darkness without slamming into a tree or being caught, you have the character stop, look at the trees, and then slide through an opening without being caught. That’s really hard to buy

But that aside, how do we fix this.

First, to better understand how having a strong viewpoint helps, take a look at this article:
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/the-grumpy-writing-coach-8/

Two more that might explain are here
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2014/09/14/a-mirror-for-the-mind-the-grump-writing-coach/
And here: 
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2015/05/13/inside-out-the-grumpy-writing-coach/
There are other articles in my blog that might help, too.

But in the end, what you really need is a very good book on fiction writing techniques that will give you the nuts and bolts issues. I can recommend two. Which you choose depends on how you choose to proceed. One is very good, and a warm easy read. The other is more difficult—a college level book but the best I’ve found. Eventually it might be worth reading them both. With at least six months practice between.

Debra Dixon’s GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict is a warm easy read, one that’s like having a conversation with Deb. It will explain why the sentence, “Gail smiled when John came through the door,” is not the best way to say it.

Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer is an older book, one that talks about your typewriter. That aside, it’s the best book on the subject I’ve found, though it tends to be a bit dry at times because it goes so deep into the details, and Swain tends to be a bit disorganized. But it is, as I said, the best.

Whichever you decide on, tell your parents they’re worth the price because they may improve your grades by making you write with more skill. You can also tell them that in my estimation, you are already a much more eloquent writer that most eighteen year olds, and the investment is worth it.

But whatever you do, hang in there, and keep-on-writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Rating /100

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

6 Years Ago

I can't thank you enough for your extremely helpful review and also for the time you took out to rev.. read more

MuskokaJeff

Great job! Very descriptive. ❤️

Posted 6 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

View 0 more replies

6 Years Ago

Thank you!

Posted 6 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

6 Years Ago

Thanks for reading and reviewing. Much appreciated!

6 Years Ago

:) you are welcome

pia

AAHA i was so hyped up and anxious as to omg whats gonna happen next.... and then i read the last line
Best thing ive read so far
I love it !!! Despite the humorous ending
You do have skillful writing techniques. You managed to convince me you were in a forest. And you described the atmosphere well !!! Amazing stuff!!