The Castle By The River

The Castle By The River

A Story by Zoe
"

Kinda true.

"
    It was just another night. The crescent ruled the sky. Winds blew heavy. The usually-calm river emanated high tides and it's water created a rumpus. With the assistance of the dim moonlight, came into view the huge palatial building that stood imposingly by the river. 
    Seeming more or less like a castle, it was indeed a true epitome of the rich, archaic architectural style. Several turrets adorned the main part of the building; the building which people so dearly addressed as 'Constantia'. The Constantia housed the tomb of its creator, a Major General in the French army, and in later years, the British. Not many people were allowed near the tomb; though the journalists had free access to it. 
    The night maintained it's wonted thick darkness; the only source of artificial light being the riparian street light. The castle was painted a dull shade of yellow. The winds caused the open windows of the castle to bang against its walls; the walls chipping off at places due to their continuous exposure to the agents of weathering for over a century. Saving the noisy flow of the river water, the night had another factor of distinction. A short human figure stood looking out of the window on the turret facing the river. The clock ticked ten and Nigel, like the other boys, was supposed to be in bed. The rumours that had been doing rounds among the occupants of the building since time unknown were getting to him. He was disturbed, deeply disturbed to hear the others talk about their dwelling being patronised by spirits. In his eyes, all his peers had gone berserk. The fact that the matrons were being ignorant towards the rumours irritated him all the more.
    His eyes did not even show a hint of drowsiness as he looked out of the window in deep contemplation. All the rumours went on playing in his head over and over again. He also thought about the new kid who had arrived that very day and who was already mastering the character of his fellows. He had been reciting to Nigel and the others a new set of tales about the place, tales which were unheard of and were, most probably, a creation of his. Nigel just thought him to be another attention seeker and his thoughts again jumped back to the rumours.
    He could not help but move his eyes from the running water that flowed down the river. Before he could comprehend the strangeness of the sight, his mind went numb and he was staring right into a great mass of thick white mist. It seemed to have materialised from the river; it was slowly taking shape, roughly the shape of a human. The mist gently floated along the banks of the river. It seemed forever until the mist finally disappeared into the darkness of the night and Nigel's senses came into being again. He was panting. He took a step back in amazement from the window and felt a sudden urgency to talk to the 'new kid'. It was the moment he realised that his life would never be the same again...

© 2017 Zoe



Author's Note

Zoe
Not really happy with it. Still, I'd love to know what you all think about it. All feedback appreciated.

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Featured Review

Each time I come to one of your pieces, I really do admire how much progression you are making with regards to using your creative mind and descriptive words. There are a few sentences in at the beginning which can be changed to add to the dramaticness to the piece BUT, i saw the images clear enough to see through the last comment of mine - and that's all it is....just a comment.

With this bit - bang against its walls; the walls chipping off
Change it so that the word 'walls' are not so close together. Also watch out for the word 'the' - It seems to be in the first half of the story quite a lot. The second half really picked up, I am not for one moment saying that the first half was dull. On the contary, I did enjoy it. It seems that the second half, you kicked it up a gear. I have nothing to say about the sceond half - it flowed baeautifully.
It stil needs a little work, but I am sure you know what do to with it. You're a smart person, and getting smarter.

Mark.

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Zoe

1 Month Ago

Thank you :)
matrixmark

1 Month Ago

Do what you do best. Kick was with the writing!

Mark.
Zoe

1 Month Ago

Haha, of course!



Reviews

Each time I come to one of your pieces, I really do admire how much progression you are making with regards to using your creative mind and descriptive words. There are a few sentences in at the beginning which can be changed to add to the dramaticness to the piece BUT, i saw the images clear enough to see through the last comment of mine - and that's all it is....just a comment.

With this bit - bang against its walls; the walls chipping off
Change it so that the word 'walls' are not so close together. Also watch out for the word 'the' - It seems to be in the first half of the story quite a lot. The second half really picked up, I am not for one moment saying that the first half was dull. On the contary, I did enjoy it. It seems that the second half, you kicked it up a gear. I have nothing to say about the sceond half - it flowed baeautifully.
It stil needs a little work, but I am sure you know what do to with it. You're a smart person, and getting smarter.

Mark.

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Zoe

1 Month Ago

Thank you :)
matrixmark

1 Month Ago

Do what you do best. Kick was with the writing!

Mark.
Zoe

1 Month Ago

Haha, of course!
I have mixed feelings about this.....It started out rather wonky and bland with descriptions seemingly awkward in phrasing and tone about the scene and scenery, such as the darkness of the night, the decrepit air about the castle, and the artificial light from the lamps (the phrasing here was atrocious, forgive my use of word, for the "artificial" should have gone a bit after....somewhat like this "the only source of light coming artificially from a reparian...."). It's not until we get to the character Nigel that the narrative kind of picks up and improves, and becomes intriguing; the sentences flow better, and the ideas are not all this way and that.

So in short, you seem to be telling two types of stories here that are not particularly complementing each other (and the second story, quite frankly, is far more interesting than the first, and I would like to read more of that one).

This is a good start. No doubt about that. All it needs is some tuning and restructuring, and it's on its way to glory. Well done!

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Zoe

1 Month Ago

I totally get what you're trying to point out regarding the first bit. It doesn't read right. I'll t.. read more
There is an axiom about "killing your darlings". Stephen King is fond of it (in principle) though his own darlings breed like maggots.
Something about this makes you unhappy. Can you mercilessly destroy the sources of your woe? Ah for a ruthless writer to slash and burn.

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Zoe

1 Month Ago

Well, one sure can pitilessly kill the sources of one's woes, though I'm not too sure what you're tr.. read more
Delmar Cooper

1 Month Ago

"though I'm not too sure what you're trying to say. "
The specific "darlings" that I see are:.. read more
Zoe

1 Month Ago

Oh, I see. Thank you for the much required elaboration.
219335_One-Stop Publishing: free print & ebook publishing
I think this is an amazing piece of writing. You have used so many interesting describing words. I even learned a couple of new ones! You built up a great deal of tension and I felt like this could be just chapter one of a great adventure. The sign of a great writer, you left me wanting more. :) Thanks for sharing.

Posted 3 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Zoe

3 Months Ago

Thank you for your kind words, Andronicus. It means a lot :)
*His eyes did not even show a hint of drowsiness as he looked out of the window in deep contemplation.*

I find your writing style to be vivid and flowing...

I will say this... Imagine your readers attention span for each page... Imagine how they would read and intake each sentence... You do not want to "tire-out" your use of descriptive phrases and words...

An example would be:
*The night maintained it's wonted thick darkness; the only source of artificial light being the riparian street light.*

*The night maintained its thick darkness; the only source of light being the riparian street light*

Something along these lines, as I am not saying what is "correct" or "incorrect"... Just suggestions...

Better to focus down and avoid redundant phrasing... As it is already implied the light is artificial ( a street lamp, duh), you do not NEED it, and thus can "save" that word, and make life easier and smoother on the reader... Etc, Etc...

Hope any of that helped... Otherwise a very engaging and pulling read... Mysterious, and makes me want to know more... That cliff-hangar, though... Hah

Posted 3 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Zoe

3 Months Ago

It did help. Thanks for reading and reviewing, Silente! I truly appreciate it
Why aren't you happy with it? This is very nice. The wonderful way you described everything with just enough detail and your perfect use of words is a strong invitation to continue reading. I don't have any corrections, i think it's really good the way it is.

Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Zoe

4 Months Ago

Aw, thank you, Avia. It means a lot :)
I agree with other reviewers who said this seems like it could be the start of a longer work. I like a lot of the descriptions, though I feel they could be connected more.

Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Zoe

4 Months Ago

Thanks, Clifford! Hopefully I'll do better in my next write.
The words describing and building the images of the castle are so good. Great job :)

Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Zoe

4 Months Ago

Thank you, Suhd! I appreciate it
I agree with Doodley, that this could be the beginning of a much longer story. There are several things that could be developed, bringing the 'intrigue' together.,.. the weather, who is at the castle, the identity of the boy, the 'rumours', the new kid, and the spooky experience of the 'ghost' on the river. And a conclusion!
However, as it is, your story is ok, in fact good. It atmospherically builds up to the end 'his life would never be the same again'. Well done.

Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Zoe

4 Months Ago

I agree. This didn't come out as well as I wanted it to. I had intended it to be just a short story,.. read more
Great Aunt Astri

4 Months Ago

Give it a try.
Zoe

4 Months Ago

I will. Thanks again.
It was indeed beautiful
The way you described the castle and the Agony of the rumour..........

Lovely Piece!
Keep it up!

Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Zoe

4 Months Ago

Thanks, Pragati! I appreciate the comment.

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Added on October 21, 2017
Last Updated on October 22, 2017

Author

Zoe
Zoe

India



About
A fifteen-year-old. Aspiring writer. Proud Martinian. Love reading, sketching, sleeping, watching horror movies, few sports, and writing of course. Feel free to criticise my work or just simply pu.. more..

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