Barely

“She looks so traumatized,”

I barely say.

She barely looks traumatized:

barely bare.

I am so bare that I barely look.

bare behind thin film of ly

things barely seen

things expose over

burn like lye

too true

truth becomes ly

gently sharply

shields with coals

(things barely see

eyes are only eyes)

Author's Note

the line that troubles me most is "shields with coals": the metaphor of burning is setup with "burn like lye," but lye doesn't burn like coals. perhaps the line should just be "protects and burns"?

Reviews

[alesuriko]

Interesting poem. The structure really suits the content. I normally hate over-repetition but this actually suits the poem with the repetition of bare/barely and lye. Although I think you mean in two of the lines to spell "lie" instead of "ly" (because ly isn't a word, unless you meant to add an "e")..... OH NOW I see what you did there... bare-ly... ly... damn I need to stop reading poems when I'm half asleep. Very clever, my enjoyment of this poem just intensified by a great deal... Well done sir, well out with your clever wit.

As for your author's note. I don't really know about "protects and burns" ... doesn't lye normally burn like acid? Of course, "shields with corrosion" does sound a little weird. I do agree that the line troubles me as well, not just with the metaphor but somehow after reading it so much the flow feels off as well.

Otherwise, I really enjoyed reading this poem. So much depth in such few words used. Well done and good luck with that line ^.^

~~Arra~~

[Katy Otto]

Perhaps, it is perfect.

[Dinesh Sairam]

BTW, No need to change a things there.

[Dinesh Sairam]

Awesome (:

The thing with poetry is, you don't have to stumble upon reality and logistics. Just let in flow like the wind.

I'd personally like this one as an Etheree. It'd be even better then.