BETWEEN ROADS

First look ,its effect ,its pain , its result ....

Very pretty, she was 
married, but with an empty heart 
as he passed daily by her door 
her eyes admired him and asked for more 
the more she looked 
the more she felt love's first strokes. 
She said: "look at me when you pass 
you are the one who fills my life" 
"Patience married woman" he replied 
"I will never visit you in my life, 
to my creator I daily bend 
and if I answer your request 
I will surely deserve hell" 
She answered with tears 
"how patient can I be 
when loads are on my back 
and sadness is in my deep 
I only want to talk and be close to your face 
it's the only thing that takes my pain away" 

The man told her some facts 
"I might love you because of that 
after that, I will be lost 
between my desire and your love 
Before today I have found peace in my heart 
I want to save it for the rest of my life " 

he stopped the talk and went to his home 
But filled with a lot of thoughts 

Alone at night she lies thinking of him, 
awaiting the moment he passes by 
To glimpse his face and soothe her pain.. 
He kept passing by the same way 
until she came up one day 
asking him to break his rules 
and meet her even for a few 
furiously ,he refused her request 
quickly ,he changed his address 

Now that she sees him no more 
her body began to fail. 
Doctors were there searching for a cause 
they worked hard but came out with no result 
to her husband she said, 
the climate in this area is bad for my health." 
"Choose a place," he said, 
"I want you to be at your best." 

Next to his new place now she lived. 
Finding her joy by looking at him 
as he passes daily by her new place, 
better off she became, 
But the sound of his voice was missing. 

Loads became heavy on her shoulders 
To an evil old lady she told her secret 
hoping to use some of her ways 
just to hear him 
and be face to face. 
"Wait for me tomorrow when he passes. 
I'll bring him before your eyes; 
It's a promise from me my dear." 
the old lady declared. 

Time came... 

The old lady stood in his way 
asking him please to help her 
with a letter to her son 
who was far away. 
The man answered with yes 
to the old female request. 

As he started to write and talk, 
the young female looked with joy, 
staring, hearing him behind door. 
Enjoying the Warmth caused by his voice 
between her skin and her bones, 
a missing part to her heart was brought alive! 
Now that he is very close. 

"You don't sound relaxed, my boy " 
the old lady said it with warmth. 
"A woman from another area 
asked me to change my behavior 
ever since that I am lost," 
That was the young man talk 
The meeting came to an end 
when he promises to help 
any time the old lady demanded. 

The old lady came to the admire and said 
"He is very mature about females affairs; 
i can bring him inside your house 
whenever you are ready for that." 
With joy that filled her inside, 
she gave the old lady a time 
when her husband will be out of town. 

Time came... 

The young man didn't know anything 
when the old lady stood in his path. 
"I have a medicine that heals 
what you are facing my dear. 
It isn't suitable to stay outside; 
people might wonder why." 

he entered the house with her 
The admirer welcomed him with care 
The old lady left the house 
freeing them both to be together. 

As she was looking at him with joy, 
her husband unexpectedly entered the hall. 
"Oh young woman you are divorced, 
and you, young man come with me to the court 
you have breaking the house rules" 

With wisdom the judge asked and heard 
the story of each one at his turn. 

Time came 

The verdict was declared 
"Young man you are innocent-- go free. 
Young lady you have sinned 
Old woman you are the head of the sin" 

Waves of love came to him 
after the plot that was raised; 
it was a strange new taste 
which covered him as he lived. 

He said, "Marry me! I am so ill; 
seeing you is my medicine!" 
She answered with the same no 
that he gave when she asked for more. 

Wounds in glassy heart began to grow 
He surrendered to joyful pain 
Asking resistance to go 
With every breath that it goes 
He wondered: Why, Why did she say no? 

Time passed, sadness started to flow 
Brushing across faces in his house, 
now in mourning clothes. 

Among the crowd, harshly, 
she crossed her Way 
Screaming high, dropping on grave 
“Your face was my only saving grace 
during nights, even in shining days 
Thought you felt pity on me when I said my no 
now you are there, your loving me was sure 

Oooh my love, what have I lost!!! 
Oooh my love, what have we lost!!!” 

As she weeps, as she talks 
The blamed heart received blow after a blow 
A high last screaming cry 
Gave the end for her life's role 

Reviews

[Shawna]

Interesting flow to this story/poem. I had to read some of the wording twice, and I'm wondering if some of the struggle is due to English not being your first language. I can imagine it would be quite difficult to write in a language other than the one you grew up in, learned to talk and love in... so I'm wondering if that is part of it. A lot of emotion to this story, and an interesting (not often taken) perspective on love and desire.

[highthought]

thats the whole story .. it took me days and days to finish it lol in case u have time u can tell me where to work on it so it becomes better ..i ll follow

[Shawna]

Well this is all subjective, to you can take or leave any of what I say. But here is what I would look at ->
1) I would change the font of the whole thing. The font you are using is pretty busy and can be distracting when reading, also make sure it is the same size font throughout. There were a few places where it looked larger than the text around it
2) Some of the wording maybe just look at again. Examples - "The man told her some facts" and "Oh female you are divorced" don't work well for me. Facts seems like such a cold sterile word that doesn't quite fit the rest of the feel of the story. I also can't see a husband calling his wife "female" but that is perhaps just my cultural experience.
3) The part about the man's death doesn't quite all connect for me. I'm thinking part of the is the wording. "til reaching cloth" and "among the crowed harshly she crossed her way" - I'm not sure what you're getting at. Then "though you felt petty" I think you meant 'pity' but I'm not sure. So I would just go back to that area and double check wording and spelling.

Hopefully some of that was helpful. I did think it was an interesting story/poem. These are just the little things I would look at again to make it even better.

[highthought]

Ok I ve changed the font
2 _ the husband called woman because he was upset
3 _ about the cloths ..well the colors of sadness as it is used is black ..that mean that the man died
4_ u re right it's pety and not petty
It is based on a true story ..all of it as what happen excately
Thanks a lot ..I was dreaming of someone to mange it..and it was u

[Brinleigh Bailey]

Really liked the flow of the poem. Sad, but full of love as well. I really like it.

[highthought]

A lot of it did touch my heart ..many times I cried while wrting it ,there some mistake in which I ll look for soon

[dan]

The time-tested story of the forbidden fruit and the eye of the beholder. The story progresses nicely but I felt throughout that the two would never consummate their relationship in the loving way she so desired. When they attempted a rendezvous at the old woman's direction they were predictably found out and it wound up in divorce court. I sort of missed how it ended, but I think the young woman was shunned for her indiscretions and the guy whistled to himself as he walked away saying, "Whew! That was close!" take care...dan

[Vikki]

Hey. I'm really impressed with your poem. You've managed to weave so much and create great characters and a sad story into a relatively short poem. Very difficult to achieve so well done. And considering English isn't your first language the poem is quite easy to read and understand. However, I find some of your wording a little difficult to get my head around. When the man is talking to her and says "you have rung the bell" I'm not too sure what that refers to. Does he mean she has awoken something in him? Or is it a literal bell? Perhaps you could help me with that. My second small criticism would be the paragraph that begins "at her place she lays thinking of him at night wishing to see him as he passes by". You say she lies there wishing to see him passing but by the next line we're told he kept passing by so to me her wishing it is unnecessary since he always does it. I would perhaps write something like "Alone at night she lies thinking of him, awaiting the moment he passes by, to glimpse his face and soothe her pain, until she came up one day..." And then finish it how it is.
Next, the term female is quite unusual. I would either address them as young/old woman or lady. For example the paragraph "he entered the house with her, the female was there" it just doesn't work. Perhaps you could say "he entered the house with her and was greeted by his admirer there". Admirer needs no explanation as to who it refers, we know it's the young lady.
Also the line "surrounded to joyful pain" I don't think the pain can be described as joyous. That would suggest he is liking it which I don't think he is.
My last point is to the line "swiping faces in his house, till reaching cloth" I don't understand it. I don't know what you mean by that.
Other than what I've mentioned I really like it. But of course poetry is very subjective so what I mention is only my opinion so feel free to take it however you wish. Thanks for sharing your poem I really enjoyed it.

[highthought]

Does he mean she has awoken something in him? yes the desire for woman ..he didnt think of it before
2 "Alone at night she lies thinking of him, awaiting the moment he passes by, to glimpse his face and soothe her pain, until she came up one day..."( these are better lines for the poem )
3 i ll go for this one for the poem ...."he entered the house with her and was greeted by his admirer there"
4 "surrounded to joyful pain " what i mean is that that pain was with joy ..happiness thats google....joyful
5 "swiping faces in his house, till reaching cloth' reaching cloth what does people usually wear when someone die ..black dont they wear cloths that tell about sadness
ready for more fruitful advice from u vickki i was waiting for some one like u who would help me with that as specific as u did

[JayceeC]

I think you want clothes not cloths..cloth is just the material; clothes are fashioned to wear

[highthought]

yeap will replace it .. did u read it ? where is ur review jaycee ?

[Dark Poet]

This is marvelous. I can see just how much work this must have taken. What a great writer you are! I was captivated reading this. Everything flowed and i just felt my heart getting yanked into the story.

[highthought]

It took a lot tears too though ...it came as I lived the personality of the young man during writing it ...ur review is a great push for me ...I want to come back to writing ...and if I did it will be because of a review like urs

[Dark Poet]

I can imagine. You should write more. Thank you:)

[Claire Twinn]

I enjoyed the beginning of this poem and the ideas of longing and resisting temptation, but found it very long.

[That_Girl]

I like it a lot. The story had a few small twists that kept me interested. Not your average sappy romance. One thing I will say though is the change in font should be fixed I think for the sake on continuity.... your call.

[Olivia Marie]

I absolutely loved reading it. It was lengthy but completely worth reading till the end. It had some curve balls in the romance, which I think added a lot of detail to it. It was creatively written. Very nice :)

[Emily Rae]

this is an interesting write about love found and lost. this piece reminds me of the human condition and how we are susceptible to experiences of shame, regret, loyalty, and love, which are not always in our control.

[Aeternal Oceanfire]

This was quite a lengthy poem, yet I enjoyed it all the same. Great job!