One: The First Time My Heart Broke

The ivory gilded door knocker
was larger and more pale than my face.
Still it lifted and fell with an opening
when a petite woman stood in its place.

She greeted me rather warmly
with her voice mousy and small.
Then screamed his name and an insult
about his stupidity down the hall.

He came running frantic and blushing
looking ready but not quite dressed.
For the first time he looked so distant,
even quiet, rushed, and in distress.

This mystery woman stared on
pursing her lips at his haste.
He finished dressing while she ranted about him.
"That boy and his time is such a waste."

My heart it broke at her comment.
I watched her and hoped she was lying.
Then again she didn't know what a prince he is.
A sweet boy like him is worth diamonds

This was the first time I came for him
and the first time I had seen him at home.
Turns out his castle is no more than a bedroom
and his sofa nowhere close to a throne.

Reviews

[Robert]

I accidentally read part two before part one. You have a way with rhythm, a talent that is very difficult for me to use, so well done. Again well done with the format and the flow of the piece and now I understand part two a little better after reading part one. But I must say part two could stand alone as well. Overall I enjoyed reading the two.

[Breana Seabrooks]

I really like what you are doing here. I especially like the way you give a rhythm to the story you are telling.

[Samuel J. Fox]

I agree with Robert. You have a great sense of iambic meter (that last stanza especially). I would recommend Miller Williams book Patterns in Poetry. That could give you a launching platform to learning more forms and syllabic/traditional meter. There are a few places that could use patching and cutting. But, I'm not in the business of tearing down a poem unless asked to. Good job!

[AaronFreitas]

Awesome story my friend. Sometimes we think so much higher of a person because we learn and fall in love with the person and who they are and disregard where they have come from or what they live through daily. I like how you described him as a prince in your eyes yet he is living in a verbally abusive home yet he doesn't show that to you in his personality. Great write :)