An Indelible Imprint

Love, the only emotion that I suppose, can never be defined. It’s not an institution. I knew that I loved her and that’s what mattered.

Things have changed now. What I thought to be the most turbulent period of my journey is gone. They say that your feelings are best unfelt. I never categorized this page of my diary as the despondent section for it has some gleeful memories. This page never had an end.
My life has sustained only by the virtue of her memories. Not letting these memories go is culpable for my life being simpler with no one in it.

“I’d choose Srishti.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because…she happened to me.”

People make many mistakes in their lives. I made one as well. Having been completely oblivious of what I did, I fought foolishly.
She was my first love. I was so drowned in her depths that not only mine but her goals, her dreams looked trivial too in front of what we shared.

They say, “never make anyone or anything your life, make it a part of your life”
I tried to follow this, but having her around always led to an utter fall.

 

“You are so evil!” is what she used to exclaim when I’d be pulling her leg. The sweetness in her voice and her expressions when she would say this was something to die for.
She had the best smile ever. Just watching her was what I could do for an entire day. Difficult as it was to leave her, what made it even worse was that I couldn’t look her in the eye to say a final goodbye.

“Let’s just go out and cool it off. We’ll have an ice-cream or something.”
I wanted the rest of the evening to go as planned so I tried to curb what I felt. I couldn’t realize that I was wrong but I didn’t want her to get mad so I decided to forget everything and lessen my rage but…
“no. I can’t even think of it. The very thought that you think I am betraying you can’t let me be with you. For god’s sakes I was stuck at work.”
“Look I am sorry. I didn’t mean…” my words were cut short. “Gaurav Gaurav! I think I need a break from you.” My rage had reached its topmost point. I couldn’t come back.
“Go for it then.”
I left the place. Having been completely devastated I didn’t know where to go.

3 years later.
I was upstate now. New place, new people and most importantly my new hobbies had changed me completely. The life of a restaurant’s head chef is much difficult than it sounds. The only passion left with me now was to enhance and expand my business many folds.

“This ginger chicken does not have the slightest hint of ginger! What! You think I am a fool?” these words made me leave my kitchen amidst the rush hours. After tasting the chicken I was taken aback for it tasted the same like it should. Only later did it turn out that she was confusing ginger with garlic. That’s how I met her. Our first conversation was an argument over the taste of ginger.

With time the things that we talked about changed and became more stimulating. We had been dating for a couple of weeks now. I mistook my attraction for her as love.

It was time for me to ask her to be my girlfriend so I took her for dinner and planned everything. The things didn’t proceed, as I wanted them to. I couldn’t comprehend from where we both started talking about my past.

“So have you ever been in a relationship?”
I should have but I didn’t want to lie. I never wanted to touch that dark corner of my heart. “Yes. What about you?”
“Nah. I never got the time. You see. So who was she?”
The wall was broken now. My emotions spilled out and I told her the entire story. It was difficult for me but something felt good while I remembered all the times I spent with her be it good or bad or even the worst, which was 3 years back.

…“Gaurav Gaurav! I think I need a break from you.”
I left the place. Having been completely devastated I didn’t know where to go. I kept telling myself that I shouldn’t have fought, tried to convince myself that her job is her passion but because of that she’s not neglecting me. But none of that could happen.

The horrible night finally faded away. I had an intuition that she would call but at the same time I knew that after what had happened the last night nothing would be the same between us. Our love would always be pressed down by the lousy emotion of guilt.

“I’m sorry for last night. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. Please take me back” her voice was enough to melt my heart. My reason didn’t allow me but I agreed to go back. I shouldn’t have done that for in just a couple of days the same thing happened again. This time there was no fight or loud noises involved but only a beautiful dinner filled with uncontrollable sharp taunts.

We fought again. Now there was no going back. Couple of days passed but I didn’t receive a call. Finally there was a knock on my door. She had come by to return all the stuff that I gave to her. “Now we are done Gaurav!” and she left. My heart got crumbled and my feelings were burnt away. My anger started searching the gifts that she ever gave me. I collected them all and went over to her place. Doing all this seemed very cheap to me so I left a pendant, which I bought her for her 25th birthday. I still remember how watery her eyes were when I put it on her. I put a note along with that and I left. “It’s best that I leave now. Happy birthday, Virgo. I shouldn’t say this. I love you.”

“Hey man! What did Simran say last night?”
“I didn’t ask her.”
“Why? Is everything all right?”
I said after a pause. “I’m not sure about this.”
“Ok. Answer these questions. Who’s there in your life now? Simran? or Srishti?”
“Simran”
“Who do you think loves you?”
“Simran”
“And whom do you love?”

This undefined ‘love’ had a huge impact on my life. I wonder how different would it be if it wouldn’t have happened. Eventually the little hope I had was shattered.
On a busy afternoon, my phone rang.
“Hello?” Attending that call was not easy for me. There was a heavy pouncing of my heart for those ten seconds. I had to go to Srishti’s place.
With a lot of courage I finally after standing for ten minutes there rang the bell. Her sister opened the door.
“Hi, I’m Gaurav. We spoke on the phone yesterday.”
“Oh yes. Please come in.”
She made me sit in the living room and went to get some water. The place was deserted. Not even a single thing was I able to cruise through with ease, the memory flashes of that place, her picture on the wall, our love, our fight. I asked her how she tracked me down after so many years.
“Don’t ask. It was pretty difficult but I had to.”
“Well, thank you.”
“All our relatives have gone uphill to complete all the rituals.”
“Oh.”
“She left this for you.”
It was a letter. On the envelope it was written ‘To Gaurav :)’. She never got away with her habit of making smiling faces everywhere. I asked her if she said anything but she had just asked her to give me the letter. I finished my glass of water and got up.
“I’ll take your leave now.”
“Already?” She was expecting more questions and maybe sympathy.
“Yes. I have to. This place. It’s a hub of many beautiful memories… which now are just sharp nails piercing right through Me.”
“You aren’t going to open that?”
“I will. I will have to. Eventually.”
I came back to my place. It was drizzling. I went to my balcony.
I opened the letter. It said- ‘You always used to say, “It’ never too late.” But this time I think I was. Maybe you have moved on. I’m sorry for putting you through this. I love you too.’

It was written on the back of the note that I left for her 3 years back.
It so happened one day, on a similar evening Srishti asked me if we would be able to sustain our relationship for long. She was worried what would have happened if we’d drift apart. I comforted her and made her understand that it would all be ok. Then she suggested that if at all we would be drifted away and we’d miss each other then we would look up and search for the loneliest start in the sky and just look at it.
“I just know that when you’d be remembering me, I’ll be doing the same.”
I walked up to the railing and looked at the loneliest star in the sky. My eyes became watery and eventually as the dark clouds covered that small star I started crying along with the Mother Nature.
That day my hope was renewed but I could comprehend that love had happened to me a long time ago and it can never come back.