Lost hope

for a contest (a scarring event)

 

"Did you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world" by Charlie Rich played softly from the radio in the background as I watched my father leave in his Navy uniform.  He left on a summer day when I was 5 years old.  I was sad then, but little did I know that the sheer white polyester curtain swaying in the breeze would be the last nice memory I had of him.  I can remember waving to him and saying something, but my mind won't let me hear those words.  He turned and tipped his hat and kept walking.  I watched him until he was gone. 

 

He came into my life from time to time and I was hopeful (for awhile) that he would stay, but he never did.  He would come and bring gifts that either didn't fit or I didn't like. I pretended to like them and when I was alone; I put them in a box and kept them under my bed.  I couldn't throw them away because I thought "What if he comes home and he asks to see them and I didn't have them?"  I couldn't do that to him.  He is my father after all. 

 

Colds and boyfriends went by and I was getting ready to venture onto the next chapter in my life; graduation.  I don't know why to this day, but, I gathered up my strength and wrote to him.  I asked him if he would come to see me graduate.  I anxiously waited by that damn mailbox for what seemed like an eternity, until one day it came; a letter.   I quickly ran home, raced into my room, sat on bended knees on the floor and ripped open the letter with excitement mounting; I didn't care if I tore the edges of the paper a bit.  My mind was already planning to show off my dad at graduation to all my friends.  I wanted to be "daddy's little girl" at least once in my life.  My mind was racing with anticipation about his travel plans and then....I read on.

 

 

            Dear daughter,

 

                        I'm so glad to hear that you're graduating.  I know your life is going to be great and you are going to do great things.  However, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be able to go to your graduation.  I hope you can understand.  

 

           Love Dad

 

 

My heart sunk and as I tried to make sense out of the lines, my tears kept clouding my sight.  "Why are you doing this to me?  Why don't you love me? Was I that bad of a daughter that you can't even bring yourself to share in one day with me?  I haven't asked you for anything?" The words poured out of my heart and I began to sob and hold myself; the way I wish he would've right then.  I needed him.  I needed a father and he was gone; unavailable. 

 

When my sister (the evil one) heard me crying, the noise must have annoyed her because she stormed into my room and announced proudly "When are you going to get it through your damn head?  Daddy's never coming home!" and then she slammed the door and I was alone again, but this time the well of tears were starting to slow and my breathing was calm again because deep down (as much as I hated her) I knew she was right. 

 

I wiped the tears and my nose with my sleeve and whispered "He isn't coming home".  At that moment, my hope was completely erased and I was defeated.  I was the only one in my family that held out hope he was coming home and now there was no one there to hold the torch for his return.  No one was going to be there to smile at what his coming home party would be like. 

 

I went under my bed, pulled the aged and tattered box of gifts he gave me and said goodbye to each one and to him as I placed them sorrowfully into the trash can.  I only kept one gift that he gave me; a pink ceramic fairy that carried a wand that had the number 14 in front of it.  I kept this one thing as a symbol of when I use to have hope he would come home.

Author's Note

This was a painful event; true.

Reviews

[Christine]

Wow, Dude! You made me cry. I sit here at the computer trying to type through the tears that this piece of art has caused. I felt your pain, your angish, your sorrow. The hurt came through in the words. But remember something, everything happens for a reason. If your dad did show up, who would you be today? Do you honestly think that you would be who you are today if he had shown up? It's the sorrows as well as the joys that make us who we are. Without them we would be completely different people...besides, you may never have met ME! LOL

Love ya,
Christine :-)

[Donald Cole]

i feel that it was true, is true. wow. i cried, I remember my dad once as a child, he came and gave me 50 cents, and maybe my siblings, thats all i remember. must be what made me cry. the same mushroom? I'd call this beautiful, as it is, yet feelings cannot be beautiful from the inside out, only from the outside in. I feel how real the pain is there and I connected with this, I think as you connected to my 'The Beauty Within" I love this as much as I hate it. Very effective writing
always,
Don

[Christopher Marlowe]

M.

This is a touching and ultimately heart-breaking story told in a beautiful way that only a daughter with sensitivity could. Thanks,

D

[Imperfection]

I kept wishing through this piece that this wasn't true but I was wrong...

"Why are you doing this to me? Why don't you love me? Was I that bad of a daughter that you can't even bring yourself to share in one day with me?

Sometimes we don't find answers as to why people behave in the ways that they do. If their actions hurt us, it troubles us all the more when we don't know why...

But there maybe things about another person's emotions/actions that we do not know, do not understand. Whatever the reason for your dad's behavior might have been, please do not evaluate yourself on the basis of this incident. You are what you make out of your own life. We wish for the presence of certain people in our lives but their absence doesn't mean, we did not deserve them.

If there is no hope in reality, it is better to not live in false hope. I'm glad you've come to terms with that.
Keep writing.
You're a very talented writer. I like how lucidly you present your thoughts in words.