Who is Bess?

If you want a description, read the story.

So you ask me, who is Bess?  Bess is an overly overweight waste of space or so her father would tell you.  Her mother is on the streets, somewhere and they are unsure if she'll ever return.  Bess likes to tell herself that her mom is traveling the world, but she isn't.  She's traveling south on every man she can get her hands on.  Luckily for her mother, she gets paid for it.  To sum it up best, here is a picture of our heroine. Okay, I lied.  She's no heroine, she's just a worthless, fat waste of space.  Clearly her father has the brains in the family. 

Wake up Bess, you lard a*s!  It's time for school and we can't have you late again. You've already scarred the younger children that were watching your fat rolls hit your face, as you attempted to run after the yellow bus wagon.  The one they had to expand the doorway for in order for you to fit through it.  No, no don't worry about the hair or the make up, there is nothing you can do about that.

Fine, fine you can have the red lipstick but honestly, I just don't get your obsession. It isn't like it will be what gets you noticed by boys, considering the girls even avoid you in the hallways.  Man, the teachers even ignore your lard a*s, no matter how high your hair is raised.  Hopefully you don't have to go to the bathroom like yesterday. It's embarrassing enough to be you, we don't need to add a pair of wet britches, do we? 

Oh yeah, that was a bad day.  Then again, every day for you Bess, is a bad day.  But don't sweat it.  This may be your day Bess, you never know.  Life can't crap on you forever, or can it?  Heh, who knows.

Luckily for you, you've got a talent for drawing and can doodle your way to la-la land and forget the burdensome life that was given to you.  You can create a life of your own and make light of things.  Oh hey!  How about you draw a picture of Dr. Ben Hudson kissing you after he's done his OBGYN obligations on you. And don't remind yourself of the noises he really makes when he notices you sitting in the waiting room, praying he dies before your name is called by nurse what's her face.  Who he probably banged on the table you'll be laying on while he hyper ventilates into a brown paper bag. 

-- photo --

Nice drawing Bess, only I see that you didn't listen to anything I've said.  Or maybe you just listened to the wrong parts of what I've said?  Depressing, really.  Maybe you should think more positive and stop allowing me and my negativity destroy your ability to believe that in this life it is very possible for something good to happen to you Bess.  Yeah, sure your entire life you've had the worst case scenarios happen to you and yeah, you don't have any friends... 

-- photo --

Drawing me getting my head cut off wasn't very nice.  I'm just not that good with words Bess, don't be so violent.  How about you draw rainbows and sun rises and leave me out of it?  Please?!

-- photo --

That's more like it.  

Oh no!  Bess, did you see that?  Trevor sat beside you.  Trevor has never sat beside you before.  Side note: He is on the not as gorgeous (or not even close) as Brent but who cares...no one has ever in their entire life ever CHOSEN to sit next to you.  It's usually one of those, "Oh s**t! I can't believe I was late to class and had to wind up next to her" kind of things.  Oh no..it's much more than that.  There are still four or five good seats left and he chose to... 

-- photo --

Wait so now you suddenly want to kiss Trevor?  Eh, I get it.  You assume he wants you, don't you?  Has he flipped his long locks and made kissy faces at you?  Oh wait... I meant, has he... wait... what DO guys do when they like you?  

-- photo --

Whoa Bess, that's a little graphic... 

Reviews

[Scott Mou]

Wow...i really like this! The comedy was good, but was the narrator like a conscious or something? Also I Could just imagine what the pictures are!

[Amanda Dawn Sanderson-Greer]

The narrator is the journal itself, and thank you. I appreciate the feedback. My illustrator is working toward the pictures however it's always fun to imagine them as well. One friend said he'd like it better without the pictures and letting the reader use their imagination. I'd do it if I weren't purposely writing this for the reason I am. The pictures are something I prefer but do like any feedback about the story, itself. So thank you.

[AK]

Nice starting! The first line was a smooth take off:))
Well, I think I've started liking Bess already (and detesting her father, if I might add). But I do have some thoughts on this piece~
1. This chapter was very predictable and regular, or to put it crudely-cliché. Wake her up, send her to a bad day at school and have something dramatic happen right in the first chapter. I would have loved it if it had been something different.

2. Though you have stated in the Author's note that we reviewers mustn't edit your work, I find myself obliged to merely point out that I find it very difficult to read a passage which is devoid of the required punctuation. It takes me an extra second to interpret the start of a monologue, which in turn makes me lose the flow of the story. Again, I am not saying you should change it. It is just my personal feeling.

3. Somehow, I find myself unable to believe her father's character. In the fourth stanza, he says,"Wake up Bess, you lazy lard a*s...." and frankly that is exactly what makes him unbelievable. If he hated her, he would probably ignore her, or shove her roughly, or maybe even give a smaller speech! He seems to keep talking on and on, and what he says is not the reality for my mind.

4. Why do I find the '--photo--' parts exasperating? In my opinion, a story should be able to talk for itself, unneeding of pictures for support. But even if you do want to add some pics in, add them when they come. I am an easily distracted reader..

So there, that's my open view about this piece. Please don't take any offense. Thanking you-
AK

[Amanda Dawn Sanderson-Greer]

1) I will keep that thought in mind! :)

2) If you find punctuation mistakes or any errors, feel free to share with me. I don't mind - I just didn't want it to be the main focus point of a person's review.

3) The person that is speaking is her diary, not her father. I don't know if I made that clear in this chapter but hopefully it's easy to pick up later on. Let me know if I could have mentioned something, somewhere to have made that point more clear.

4) The -photo- is where I think a good image should be and where I have suggested for my illustrator to draw an image but she is free to draw whatever seen or image that she feels. Another person considered that I keep just -photo- verses an actual image because it allows the person to visualize the scene or idea, itself. I like reading diaries with images which I know are mostly in middle school story books but they entertain me and that is one of the main reasons I've decided to add them. Why do you think I should do without?

My other reason is because of where the character basis came from. The mother of my illustrator actually used to tell us stories about Bess and I thought that if I used my words and she used her artistic skills that we could bring Bess to life for her mom. So I have a lot to think about but this is the sole purpose of the book - I felt I should let you know so you understand exactly where I am coming from.

I didn't take offense, I prefer constructive criticism verse "I loved it!" any day.

[Amanda Dawn Sanderson-Greer]

Oh and of course, thank you.

[AK]

:) I'm relieved that you didn't take offense, lol:P
And I guess it is just personal opinion, some people like pictures in their books, some don't. But really, it's a great idea having pictures in your book!

[Amanda Dawn Sanderson-Greer]

Thank you! Please feel free to read on and give me some ideas of what you like and dislike, please!

[David W Moore III]

Interesting set up. I like the antagonistic approach of the narrator

[Amanda Dawn Sanderson-Greer]

Thank you! Please feel free to continue to give me as much feedback as you can for the story, I could use some thoughts. And send me some RRs, to return the favor.

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good opening chapter. I like the set-up and description of Beth's life. You gave enough to make the story interesting. Thank you for sharing the excellent opening chapter.
Coyote

[Amanda Dawn Sanderson-Greer]

Thank you, I greatly appreciate the review. Please feel free to continue on and let me know if the story continues to interest you and share with your friends! :)