Fruit Basket

Written by: Daisy and Priestess

 

 

 

 

 

"Are you kidding me red, look at him!" The small green apple looks down at the family dog, Sparky, and makes a disgusted face as the dog bends down to take his daily dump. "Look! It's 2 o'clock, like clockwork! I seriously think our owners have bad taste in all things... I mean... look at those creepy duck plates, duck curtains, duck ornaments, it's like duck crazy in here! And their dog, it just s***s.... ON THE FLOOR!"

 

Red apple set her glasses straight back on her nose. Wait, she didn't have one! Yet this works anyways. "One of these days you're going to have a heart attack, green. And over a smelly piece of dog s**t." She glances down as a fly begins to fly around and the s**t and eventually land on it." What I loathe...is THAT." She throws a skittle at the fly, yelling, "Skittle laser level 20!" The skittle misses by 10 feet and lands beside the fridge. "Uh...yeah, you completely missed," green apple stated bluntly. "Shaddup you, he teleported!"

 

"Please don't start with that s**t again Red, you don't have any powers!" Green rolled her eyes at Red as she placed her arms back at her side. "I could save the world if I cared enough to, but alas! I do not." Red said matter-of-factly. Green snorted and popped a skittle into her mouth. "You are a fool Red, a dim-witted fool!" Green begins to laugh hysterically until she begins to choke.

 

Red points and laughs at Green. "HA! Serves you right. I have a good mind to walk away and let you choke to death, but then this kitchen would be pretty bland without having you complain all the time." She beats Green on the back, causing her to cough up the skittle, which amazingly shoots off into the air and hits the fly, killing it instantly. Red looks at what just happened, gets on her knees and yells, "WHY great pineapple in the sky, WHY???!!!" The dog barks again and begins scratching the back door, whining and crying without a moment's silence.

 

"Wow. You just killed two birds with one stone.... literally..." Green points outside the window as a nearby cardinal fell to it's death from the tree outside the window. "I know you were too focused on your fly there, but the skittle richuted right off it and bounced into the throat of that poor, poor bird. You should be quite ashamed of yourself Red." Green scratches her butt with a toothpick then tosses it to the ground, the dog gobbles it up like lunchmeat. "DISGRACE THAT DAMN DOG IS!" Green could feel Red's stare burning a worm hole through her. "Okay, okay! Thanks for saving my life, it's not like it's a first time or anything, geeze. Do I seriously have to say thank you every time you do it? It's just to be expected...."

 

Red re-adjusted her glasses again, and glared at Green. "Sure, but I save your a*s about 10 times a day. I guess thanking me for it every time would be a little too much trouble, since saving your life all the time is oh-so-fun," her words dripping with sarcasm. "Listen...if you're really sick of the dog, why not just kill it? I'm sure there are...*the background turns dark as it zooms in on each of them, lightening strikes in the background* ways to exterminate the disgusting animal." Green agreed and tapped her foot on the table, deep in thought. "But how?" Red thought for a moment. "I could use my super awesome mage powers and-" "NO!!!!" Green yelled. "When will you get it through your shiny red skull? You have no f*****g powers of any sort except rotten a*s gas that could drop an elephant." Red glared at Green. "Well then, give me a better idea. See if you can come up with something better!"

 

"I have the most evil..." (zooms in closer to Green) "Most diabolical..." (zooms closer) "most malice..." Green tosses three green skittles into mouth. (zooms in straight to mouth)"...plan known to man... MWHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA" The evil laughter bounces off the four walls that surrounded the kitchen until "Hack, hack, hack, hackkkkkkk" Green begins to choke again, Red rolled her eyes and begain slapping Green firmly on the back. Green spits on the skittle then winks before saying simply, "I shall make him choke on me."

 

Red and Green roll out some blue prints and begin strategizing how they will cause said scenario to occur. *It shows them running tests, doing readings, random scientific s**t* It then says "2 hours later" and shows them standing on the edge of the table, looking down at the dog, who is now pissing on the table leg.* Red looked over at Green, who looked like she was gonna s**t 1000 green skittles from pure rage. "Uh...and thus, after all of our scientific research, we decided the best approach, was as thus." Green disguised herself as a dog biscuit and leaped down onto the floor. "Hey you stupid dog! I'm right here...a delicious, yummy dog biscuit, begging to be eaten!" She waved her arms into the air. "Come and get me mother fuckerrrrr!"

 

Sparky began to freak and drool poured out of his mouth, he was indeed hungry and doggy biscuits, as well as toothpicks, cottonballs, receipts, wallets, and TY beany babies were his favorite treat! He raced over and nearly tripped over his own doofy feet just to gobble the entire so-called doggy biscuit into his mouth. As soon as Green hit Sparky's throat, she threw out her arms and held herself in place. Sparky began to hack and hack and hack and he began to turn as red as well, Red.

 

Red looked down at the scene unfolding before her, cackling evilly. Sparky finally turned purple in the face and dropped dead. Everything was quiet...until she heard Greens yelp for help. "Help me get out of here dumbass!" Green cried out. "Oh...right." Red and Green forgot to plan what actually happened AFTER Sparky collapsed, and hadn't thought about Green getting stuck inside.

 

Red jumped down, landed in front of Sparky's closed mouth, and tried to pull it open. No luck, it was too heavy. "Hurry it up, damn it! I'm 　beginning to suffocate, and oh my god this dog's breath smells like S**T!" Green cried out. "All right, all right. Time to use my secret weapon!" Red pulled out a small can of spinache, ate it, and...gained no powers of any sort. So she grabbed a nearby spoon (which was conveniantly on the ground for her) and used it to wedge his mouth open, allowing Green to crawl out into fresh air.

 

"Alas! Thank God for myself and the ability to choke any living breathing animal!" Green quickly turned to see the owners pet cat, Sniffles, clawing at the screen door to attempt an escape to go next door to her boyfriend, Fiddlesticks. "OH MY GOD! I hate that damn cat, all it ever does is scratch that damn screen and beg to go see her boyfriend! The little tramp..." Red rolls her eyes and slaps Green on the back. "WHAT?!" Green snaps. "I wasn't choking, was I?" Green pops three green skittles into her mouth and smiles.

 

Author's Note

Written by: Star & Moon -- future rulers of America, please LAUGH HARD and cry a little... but mostly, ENJOY!

Reviews

[E.H. Monroe]

The prosaic lives of fruit and passing time. Christ, its hell, or so one thinks…


How high were you when you created this? I should have received a warning about what I needed to inhale before joining this adventure.

This takes balls to write. Mainly because you gave no concern to and usage, and just felt like telling a tale with the speed of a robot chicken skit and the head pounding colors of a pee wee’s playhouse.

Ironically enough I had Dave the Barbarian on in the background and instantly saw everything in that world. As a twisted cartoon, it works undeniably well.

“Red pulled out a small can of spinache, ate it, and...gained no powers of any sort.”

Who the f**k even wants to be bothered with grammar, usage and spelling. This thing was just for pure enjoyment. How many times did you pass the basket of fruit in the kitchen wicker basket before attempting this?

Now I want fruit…and a dog.

Yo ho and a nicely done

[Aly Jones]

I couldn't stop laughing! Green has a potty mouth, and Red is just so annoyed by her!

But I hate that you killed the dog. O.O

[Sarah McConnaughey]

This would make a great cartoon for Adult Swim (on Cartoon Network) ! XD It was funny and entertaining from beginning to end. Well done! :D

[Amanda Dawn Sanderson-Greer]

I've dreamed of working there since I could remember and the station is only an hour from where I live. But of course, I wouldn't work there without my partner in crime - she's the true humor behind all that I do.

[ImJustAMisguidedGhost]

Ahaaa :')
That was hilarious!! Very funny, and I agree with the other reviews. You should write more of these kind of stories, they're funny and just plain awesome. They bring up my mood hella loads! Great write! :D

[Amanda Dawn Sanderson-Greer]

The friend that wrote this with me doesn't have internet and lives three hours away so we only have time to do this every once in a while - one of those, I write a little then you type of things. We've done it for years and it's our best work. I promise the day we publish a book of short stories, you'll know about it.

[Call Me Blu]

Haha. This was awesome! You should write more like this. Just mindless comedy. Hah, this is really quite awesome. 95~100

[Amanda Dawn Sanderson-Greer]

The friend that wrote this with me doesn't have internet and lives three hours away so we only have time to do this every once in a while - one of those, I write a little then you type of things. We've done it for years and it's our best work. I promise the day we publish a book of short stories, you'll know about it.

[Thomas Sawyer]

Really silly.lol.

[Alvin L. Kathembe]

haha!funny, and random, and a great showcase of ur writing prowess! u musta bim real bored though! :D
i like!

[Amanda Dawn Sanderson-Greer]

;D

[Lindsey]

LOL this is funny and I like it.

[Steph's_romantic_myster..]

LMMFAO I laughed all the way through this.... It was awsome! I needed to laugh too I am putting this in my favorite, and its not stupid, its just silly :D

[Midnight_Mystery]

unique and interesting for sure :) nice job!