13.Oh! I Lost it

 

Oh! I lost it

 
Once upon a time

My cousin with me

Journey back home

Enjoying Bus journey

 

Five minutes halt

Small break in journey

Wanted to be out

Some fresh air

 

Let’s get coffee

Just the first sip

Bus moved out

We ran behind it

 

Day’s last bus

Missed it oh God!

Luggage lost with it

Heart broken sigh!!

 

What next!

Let’s think

Take long walk

Crazy cousin said

 

Not much money

Hike ride!

Hope what else

Some one to stop by

 

A huge truck stopped

Answered our pray

Hop in

Shouted a kind soul

 

Heading home wow..!

Why is truck slow!

Moving snail pace

Hesitantly I asked

 

Can’t cross 40 miles

Company rules kid

You don’t like

Walk out perhaps!

 

Missed bus, lost luggage

Would he care!

At least I thought

Reduced speed save lives

 

Vehicle stops 10 miles short

Refuse to take us further

Driver mumbles again

Company rule

 

It’s late already

A quick thought

Hire a bicycle!

Bus terminus isn’t far

 

Riding pretty fast

I’m off

Cousin stays over

Security against bike

 

Same bus parked

Climbing the ladder

Thrilled I am Aha!!

My Luggage still intact

 

We possess something

And lose it

Hope to get something

And miss it

 

Pal

Poem n Video by Pal

55.Oh! I lost it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYZXcgHf8gA

Reviews

[ABBY]

i loved this poem. thats just how i would feel. i can really realate to this. great job

[TL Boehm]

the last two lines of this are especially resonant....they wrap this one up so well. A smart write.

[Chris Bighorse]

I really like the content of the story you want to tell. Classic dumb luck case. I really like the "crazy" cousin; despite his disposition he is the one coming up with senisble solutions in the time of need. I have to say that I had a tough time reading. I couldn't tell if I was reading description or thought, seeing from one character or all or none, or catch any real glimpse of what was really happening in the story. I'm undecided on whether I like the jumpy stream of thought this poem presents. Honestly, I think it seemed rather forced. But I think this poem has a lot of potential. It seems like there are a few repeated ideas throughout the poem that could be compressed into a single thought. But overall I like the poem's sentiment. How jarring panic can be and the emotional states which inhibit critical thought. Good write, needs a little work.

[Deborah Leah Krempa]

Well written, descriptive poem. Thank you for sharing. Debileah

[Tania Leigh]

I love your style of writing, pal.....this is one of my favourites :-)

[Natalie C]

Ha great tale about something that seem to happen all to often on some people's lifes. However, the public transport system here in SA is up to ....... (Well I think you know what I wanted to say) So I never use the bus at all, but I will believe that it could be quite frustrating when something like that happens. He He

On a serious note, I really liked your ending. It seemed to bring the piece to a wonderful and serious conclusion

[musegirlsm]

Your last lines seem so meaningful, like they would stand so well alone and be interpreted in so many different ways. What energy you and your cousin had on this day! It didn't seem to get you down, just energize you with determination to find solutions.
What language do you write in originaly? Are your poems translated?
This is very interesting.

sandra

[Nicole (Carpe Diem)]

what a great tale... i know all about travel incidents... this one sounds horrible... and glad that it didnt happen to me...
nicely done...

[[untitled]]

I love the final stanza Pal, you have written with great expression. The 6th and 7th stanzas don't really work for me personally. if for a contest I would review the wording in those ( such as "Hike ride Hope what else* ) if it were my piece. Best wishes, Bethlynne.

[SM Davis]

Oh yes the morning adventures I know all too well of catching the bus. Loved this!