Chapter 19

14-year-old Kristine’s diary entry:

Dear diary,

I envy Dianna. She always has a boyfriend. Whenever her relationship with a guy ends, she immediately moves on and gets another boyfriend. What does she have that I don’t have? Why does she have luck in guys and I don’t? Oh, wait�"I know the answer: she’s so much prettier than me! I have such a bad luck. I look so plain and it so happened that I have a best friend who is a lot more beautiful than me. If I’m going to rate our level of attractiveness, she’s a perfect ten and I’m a three. Ouch. Those words have pierced my heart as I wrote this.

I feel so annoyed by the fact that when we’re together, guys notice her more. But I enjoy Dianna’s company. I really do! Aside from being gorgeous, she’s also nice. She’s beautiful inside out.  Life is really unfair. Now I feel guilty for feeling this way towards my dear best friend. She has helped me a lot. She defended me against bullies and I became a part of her clique even though her beautiful and popular friends never liked me. If it weren’t for Dianna, I would eat alone in the canteen forever like a total loser that I already am.

Actually, I don’t care whether she has gets a boyfriend every month. I don’t even care whoever her boyfriend is. As long as it’s not someone I like.

But things just get complicated. I like Andrew. But apparently, Andrew likes Dianna.

I feel like my heart is being torn into pieces.

-Kris

Kristine remembered when she used to write a diary. She was a teenager back then and was infatuated with Andrew. Most of the entries in her diary were about Andrew.

She even used to collect his photos, cut them and put them inside her diary. When Andrew and Dianna were still dating, Kristine was the couple’s designated photographer. Everywhere they went, she took their pictures. Kristine kept their photos and cut them into half. She kept Dianna’s photos inside a memory box. Then Kristine placed her own photos beside Andrew’s inside the diary.

As she looked at their “couple portraits,” Kristine imagined that she and Andrew were holding hands while walking in the park. She closed her eyes and imagined other scenarios of them together. They were cuddling each other while watching a movie in her room. He was playing a gig with his band and he suddenly approached her in the crowd and pulled her up on the stage. She clambered on the stage as he held her hand. They walked at the center of the stage and then they kissed. The crowd cheered for them.

At first, she did not like Andrew. In her eyes, he was a plain-looking guy. But as he hanged out with Dianna and Kristine, she saw his punk attitude and charm. Andrew was free-spirited and rebellious. He did not take life seriously. Also, like Kristine, he was into art and rock music.

Andrew taught Kristine how to edit photos and videos in her laptop. One time while he was teaching her, he accidentally held her hand while reaching for her mouse. Kristine felt the warmth in her hand. Her body was aroused with the electric touch of his hand. She felt awkward. He removed his hand from hers and apologized to her. She did not reply.  She felt warmth on her cheeks. She knew she was blushing.

The trio spent a lot of time with one another. Kristine and Andrew talked a great deal about rock music, movies, and current events. Kristine learned that they had similar taste in music and movies and shared the same political views. They were both patriots and they cared about the country. Dianna was not jealous of her best friend when the latter talked and laughed a lot with her boyfriend. A geek like Kristine was not a threat to her. And they looked like they just treated each other like friends.

But the truth was Kristine was slowly falling for Andrew.

For a long time, Kristine repressed her feelings for him. She convinced herself that Andrew was just a friend, he’s like the brother she never had. But every night, she dreamed about him being with her. She told herself it was merely a coincidence.

But when she went back to reality and hanged out with Andrew again, she found herself smiling when he smiled and laughing at his lame jokes. She knew there was something more to their friendship. She realized she was attracted to him.

Her heart beat fast when she looked at his mouth when he talked. She wanted to kiss his lips.

She licked her lips and bit them. He looked kinda cute, she thought. Then she looked away to avoid his gaze. She did not want him to know that she was checking him out.

When she was alone in her room, she would fantasize about him. When no one was home, she closed the door and locked it and went to bed.  She undressed herself and lied in bed. Then she touched herself as she imagined him making love with her slowly and gently.

Sometimes Kristine felt bad for liking Andrew. How would Dianna feel if she finds out about my secret? How would my best friend feel if she finds out that I like her boyfriend? Would she get mad at me?  Kristine worried.

But then she told herself not to feel guilty as long as her thoughts about being with Andrew stayed only in her mind. Plus, they were not married yet.

But when she learned that Dianna was pregnant and that Andrew was the father of their baby, Kristine’s world crumbled.

She cried herself to sleep. Her fantasy was ruined.

When Andrew left Dianna, Kristine got angry with him. She hated him with a passion.

She would never forgive Andrew for leaving Dianna. She tried to forget about him for her best friend was more important than her crush.

Andrew was out of their lives.

He was a good-for-nothing guy. He was not ready to be a father. He was irresponsible and selfish.

But when Andrew came back into Kristine’s life a few years later, her heart suddenly pounded like a drum. She forgave him and began to love him again.