Hit Me Once For Good Mesure.

I'm scared of what I've found
Scared of all the thoughts floating in my head.
I'm terrified of what I'm saying,
but the words they've already left my mouth.

I am going to say I'm sorry right now.
Before you even get angry.
I'm going to say sorry because
I know what I'm about to say,
it wont be easy.

I am in love with him still.
And I don't want to move on at all.
All the talk of finding another,
its all been a front.

I am in love with the beatings.
I am in love with the pain.
I am in love with the bad way he treats me.
And I don't want the loneliness that fills me
when his hate for me doesn't.

I know that this sounds bad.
And I know that I shouldn't feel this way.
But I swear right now,
thatifhe'donlyhitme
I might be able to let go.

I just need something physical
to show me, that it really is
that bad. I just want
something solid to prove
that I'm not making the wrong choice.

But without any proof
I'll just keep running this loop.
This roundabout back to him.
Back to the crying and falling apart.

I need it. I need him.
I love him and hate myself.
And being with him does both
oh so well

Author's Note

I wrote this after breaking up with a highly mentally abusive boy friend...

Reviews

[No]

this is possibly one of my favorites that i've read of anyone on here,
it sounds sort of cynical to say that,
but i absolutely adore the way you wrote this.
it makes me feel the way you feel, right now,
and it's humbling. it gives that kind of feeling that you get when you hit the drop on a roller-coaster
and your heart rushes into your throat.
because i'm reading this and thinking "that's me, that's me".

but it's not, it's you. but it's still wonderful.

i know everyday i think,
"i shouldn't miss him, i shouldn't want him"
"but i do, and it's killing me to pretend like i don't care. and even though it's all his fault, i just want to run back and say i'm sorry, i'm sorry," even though you did nothing wrong.
i know.

[Just Manoosh]

I know this feeling so well. Its almost like you want to see/or people to say the physical proof of what you are mentally enduring, otherwise people would think you are crazy..... just like you think this yourself.

An incredibly brave piece, thank you for sharing this and know you are not alone.

Mx

[Veronica]

Wow. I just entered the contest and decided to check out the competition so far (hah. Turns out you're on my friends list. Small world, eh?) and you completely captured the pain that every girl goes through in that sort of relationship. I felt like your heart was going out to me. Sensational job!

[Pink Poison]

Wow, can I relate! This is so perfect I wish I'd written it. You've perfectly captured the horrible needy emotion of knowing that you're addicted to someone who is terrible for you.

[Deborah Leah Krempa]

Abuse should not be tolerated in any form. I know from experience and am glad to be a survivor. Thank you for sharing. Debileah