it so simple, this is our only work, to find out what we and the place that we live are about. maybe the big conclusions never come. maybe i am an investigator, doing reseach and documenting my findings.
I suppose this is exactly what I have been doing all along, yet lately I am wanting to have a distinct conclusion, a formulation of meaning, clear results from my findings. But what if my only role is in documenting, investigating, observing?
yes, i can do that.
"Same old eyes, same old world but the difference is how you look at what is in front of you, not what it is." ~Lister Sinclair
So whenever i go on walks i pick up everything fallen, crushed, melted, stepped on, any thing people left behind, at first it was just an act of cleaning up, then when i started to follow Keri Smith, i realized i was doing more, i was making art, i have a box full of these random things, juice caps, little toys, strange leaves, and when i look in the box i look at it differently than most people, some people don't understand my box, i've shown a few people and they don't understand why it's so amazing. But it is, and Keri Smith has shown me that, thank you Keri Smith for showing me how to view the people and the world differently.
It’s amazing how much your surroundings can affect your sense of well being. While it did not seem to affect my ability to create these last few months, I now feel myself lighter, calmer, more in my body, sleeping so very deeply (something I haven’t done for months.) I have been transformed into a more secure version of myself.
"One of my first visions when I woke up from my operation is that I didn't have to be an artist to justify my existence. That I had a right to live without being one."
Oh, how we pressure ourselves. Reading that made me feel better for a time. Take a few deeper breaths. Who would you be if you stopped trying so hard? Contemplate that just for a moment. Sit with it if you dare. what if you didn't produce a thing for the next while? (something about this thought terrifies me I admit.)
Lately I look out the window at the green trees and think to myself, “how can I be inside right now when the leaves are changing, the leaves are changing.” I want to watch them every minute so I can soak it all in, get every color into my palette, this spring will never happen again.
I guess that is why we love it so. Because it is fleeting. Impermanent.
"As she looked about the quiet gardenshe had the impression that for the first time since her childhood she was seeing objects clearly. Life was suddenly there, she was in it, not looking through the window at it. The dignity that came from feeling a part of its power and grandeur, that was a familiar sensation, but it was years ago that she had last known it."
-The Sheltering Sky (pg.241)
My friend a while back gave me this book, which i have not yet read, with a bunch of lines underlined and sometimes when i get bored i flip through the underlined parts, this one i particularly like, just because it's how i feel often, i look at the same objects everyday and everyday i look at them differently, i have such a wide range on looking at the world differently, with my eyes, i can make everything look beautiful, i can see all the colors and how the complement each other, i can see everything in the sky, from upside down like you're falling into it. And I love it, i love watching the clouds morph, or seeing the ripples in the water push together and briefly( i before e except after c, or so says my boyfriend). I love it.
i find myself being pulled to the library to play, and explore, and examine. i feel i overflow with excitement there, with regard to new ideas coming in. what is emerging for me right now is the process of research itself being the focal point. documenting my travels through the library. what are the routes that one takes? there are different methods depending on my mood.
method #1 -head off in several directions at once, make connections between them, see if and how they might converge at times. this is how new ideas evolve for me, by connecting two unrelated ideas together and playing in the tension between them (this is in fact how a symbol is created). It may be as simple as opening two books at once. contrast again. yes.
method #2 -start with one idea/book and make all connections from that point. document the journey. literary wandering.
method #3 -implement randomness, set variables beforehand, i.e. fifth shelf in, pick the first green book you see. take notes. repeat in another section. create connections.
the goal is to create new books using these methods, whereby the process becomes the point of the book and the content is secondary. the reader is allowed to partake in your investigaton process. I think this is in part why I am so drawn to journalling. esssentially it is a documenting of process and in my case a kind of map of my investigations over the course of a life.
other questions i am pondering lately:
how to create nothing?
how to capture the sensory experiences of life in a book, in a literal way?
how to make the book itself an experience? (one of my new books already does this, more on this soon.)
how to push the concept of book as much as possible?
how to make a book that is entirely about the reader? (or are they all essentially?)
how to make a book that is itself random?
a book that references the books currently on your shelf for it's own content.
all of these things excite me to no end.
a lot of times i feel things, react to things, cry, become angry about things i see out in the world. its overwhelming sometimes to know where to put my energy. so many times its just easier to do nothing. even giving money feels somehow not enough. like an afterthought.
lately i feel like a new fire is burning in me, one that is going to pull me up out of the depths of inaction with regard to these things. i have made a decision to push my energy in some new directions, i smile writing that, because it is still not clear exactly what form those directions will take. but i feel resolved and powerful
You can only love as much as you can hate.
I'm a strong believer in that. So if i believe in love loving people, obviously i believe in hating people. It's an emotion, we have it. And i'm tired of people saying it's inhumane to truly hate someone. Why? What's so inhumane about it? It's the opposite of love. You can't have light without dark, right? That's my thought for the day. Opinions?
Everything is just as beautiful as it is ugly.
I believe in this as well. Everything, no matter what, is beautiful if you look hard enough. It really is, everything has it's own magic, it's own details. And sometimes, unless you've trained your mind to on it's own, it's difficult to see that. Or maybe people just forget. But the other half of this sentence is just as equally true. Have you ever seen someone, and just thought they were the most beautiful person you had ever seen? And even when you get closer you think the same? It's not until you study them pore by pore you realize they're the same as us? They're the same amount of beautiful as us? And that, is what makes people have different "tastes" when it comes to attractive. Thoughts? Opinions?
"The aspects of things that are most important for us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity. (One is unable to notice something because it is always before one's eyes.)"
-Ludwig Wittgenstein
This is just another quote i love, everything you need is always RIGHT there, you just have to see it, look around a little different next time you're in the car waiting for the light tochange, or when you're walking. Just alter your perception of the world. Look around a little different, go a whole day wearing sunglasses for a whole day, or ones that change the colors, look at things upside down, look under your cabnets (maybe clean them too).
And i'm just going to stray a bit, Bradley keeps saying he doesn't want to write, and that He isn't going to get anything from it, and you know, I just want to let Him know, almost every person, game, philosopher, book, song, ANYTHING, i look up and look at a review of it or something, even when i don't want to, and i don't tell Him i do, but shitfuck i do! Ok? Even though i don't want to or i don't think i'll get anything from it, i always do, and i learn more, and i know what the f**k He's talking about, i think He would like writing i think He really would. It just really agitates me that he won't take ten minutes to write a paragraph a day or something. And an example from just today is Blaise Pascal. A big mathematician and philosopher. SO MEH.
ANYWAY
Things to help you change your view or just have a different day.
-day of silence, not the GLBT one, just A DAY of silence, for any reason, just to relax.
-walk backwards day
-independence day - remind yourself that you are entirely free to do whatever you want. Brilliant!
-cook all your food from scratch- I love doing this and i think it's way more fun, and you learn what's actually in your food..
-have tea with stranger day (invite someone out you hardly know.) Actually i did this on thursday, Carrie, but she invited me and i really like her!!
-walk everywhere week, (i've read about people who didn't ride in a car for years on purpose).
-read books based on themes. for example:
*travel the world by reading a novel about each country (someone i worked with at Nicholas Hoare did this.)
*read authors alphabetically (alternate: read only authors with last names that begin with "S")
*read only red books for one year
*choose one book and read only other books that are connected with it somehow (through citations, or research done on the book, about the author, etc).
*read indexes only
*read page 153 in every book you pick up
You know, I'm really in a bad mood again, i'm not gonna lie. I just got super f*****g pissed off.
I am really obsessed with the idea of conducting "life experiments" lately. various challenges, just to see what would happen.
a list
1. buy nothing year. (a great challenge yes)
2. do nothing week.
3. remove one of your senses.
4. eat only orange foods. (tried that one for a week already)
5. no electricity month.
6. bare feet days.
7. speak with an accent week,
8. wear only one color week.
9. do the opposite day.
10. no media month. (whew)
11. give things away year.
For those of you who look at some of these things and think 'oh i could never do that', doesn't contemplating doing them release a little fluttery feeling in the middle of your belly? i like that feeling.
it means i am opening myself up to the possibility of the unknown.
yes i can.
or at least i am willing to try.
Oh, Bradley asked me what Boomshine and My new little flash gizmo was, If you want the ultimate relaxation experience do this
go here
http://www.lullatone.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/raindrop.swf
And do your business, keep it playing while you're playing the game Boomshine
http://www.k2xl.com/games/boomshine/
RELAX
I am learning the meaning of the phrase "roll with the punches". sometimes when you stand up for your beliefs people will try to attack you on a personal level because they don't know how else to bring you down.
it is akin to little children who when angry and flustered will pull out something irrelevant like, "oh yeah? well you have a big nose!"
it is somewhat funny, but as we all know words can hurt too.
but here lies the beauty...
the lesson i am learning is that no matter what, my feelings are not wrong. my whole life I have been in doubt of them. questioned them, barely recognized them, ignored them, rejected them, feared them, stuffed them away, felt them invalid, misinterpreted them, put them after the feelings of others, held them in until I thought my lungs would burst. the reasons for this are numerous and too much to get into here, but because of this, as a woman I have had trouble recognizing them (read: numbness). (I will experience discomfort somewhere in my body, usually my stomach, which swirls, churns or aches). I didn't know before but these are my emotions sending me a message, "something is up. stop and listen for a moment." STOP AND LISTEN.
sometimes it takes a few hours for me to understand what the message is. often when I get it, it comes in a flash. big knowing. "oh my god, of course! that's it." onto step number two, expressing those feelings. somewhere along the way, you learn (usually the hard way) that you also need to express those feelings and that you have a right to do so. here lies another great challenge but one worth doing.
and so a message to those who will try to bring me down. you can attack my writing, you can attack my spiritual beliefs, you can criticize my talent, you can insult my physical appearance, you can do whatever you think of to make me look bad in the eyes of others.
I WILL NOT BACK DOWN.
because from the deepest place in my heart there is an incredible strength, something I have not felt until now. an unshakable knowing that I have a right to these feelings. and no matter what you do to me you cannot take that away. my feelings and beliefs are my own, and they come out of a loving place, a place that wants to heal me and take care of me at every turn. even the anger. i have never really known what it meant to love yourself, until now. it seems so simple, to act in a way that honor's your feelings and beliefs. to trust what your body is telling you. to stand up for your beliefs even when you feeling like the whole world is against you.
I stole this picture from keri smith, but i love it.
Things learned while collecting found objects.
1. As your eyes scour the ground you may become quickly overtaken by an obsessive quest to find the most interesting, unique item. Though sometimes it is the simplest of things (or group of things) that are the most satisfying.
2. Always carry a bag of some sort. You will usually collect more that will fit in your pockets.
3. Pay attention to the following attributes...color, texture, contrast, size, shape.
~Cecilia
PS. Look around.
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