A story from a man who doesn't get laid nearly as much as he should.

Just a little segment written during my 'study sessions.' Hope you can read and let me know what you think, as the title my suggest's, I'm a absolute fiend for compliments. Possibly arising from the f

1

Carmen could cause accidents. She was paralysing at the best times. And she looked like a little boy. It was mesmerising. She brought up all kinds of questions you didn’t want to answer.

In a world degrading to pre-apocalyptic standards it was relieving to see beautiful women like her still were being born. It felt like getting your hair washed at the hairdressers, you could breathe a little easier.

 

In fact, the first time Tim seen her he crashed his car. He didn’t even care. He also got an erection. He had a pole dent in his car and pole in his pants and he had a smile on his face.

In his mental theatre he was singing, “all you need is love,” whilst confirming to himself for future reference that it deserves to be ranked as one of the best songs of all time. These were the kind of things Tim cared about.  

 

 

 

Carmen saw Tim dent his car. Carmen wondered how someone could crash a car on a straight road with a speed limit of 20km/hr. Scanning the driver’s window as she walked by she noticed Tim looking at her with a stunned look. Her first impressions were, he looked slightly retarded, in a Forest-Gump kinda way.

 

It’s funny to note that people often look mentally incapable in moments of great excitement, when they truly feel mentally capable… food for thought.

 

 

Tim had made eye-contact. Previous experience told him this was usually a good thing. He now wondered if he should get out of his car with a revolver in his pants. He weighted the options in his head. The voice of reason said ‘all good things come to pass, the erection and this girl,’ and quoted ninja turtles ‘let it go Ralphel.’ The other voice… we’ll call it the Tim’s internal third-person projection of himself said ‘ What would Clint Eastwood do?’   

So he did what any ‘man’ would do when placed in the curiously inevitable circumstances; he got out of his car and stood up proudly wearing a revolver in his pants.

There comes a time in every male’s life, when he must wear his revolver in public, this was Tim’s third time from memory… now there’s something to be proud of.

 

Carmen was just down the street at Gideon’s, a local café. Under her big black sunglasses she sat in the outside section and watched Tim awkward shuffling in her direction all the while pretending to be oblivious to this strange mating dance. Saying she was curious would be an understatement but she had style.

In our day and age its important to remember sometimes its better for people to think you have style then it is to make them feel comfortable.

 

Tim also had style. To have no style these days is to have style. Trust me I speak from experience.

Hi de ho.

 

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2

As Tim was about to walk into Gideon’s he began to get rational and with it came a wave of doubt. His revolver went down … if it were in a cartoon, it would have made the noise of a balloon deflating as it went.

Love can make people do all sorts of crazy things.

 

He couldn’t just go straight up to her. What kind of impression would that give?

According to Tim there were few men that could do that, someone like Mick Jagger or Channing Tatum could, but he wasn’t that kind of a guy. In Tim’s head he had to put out the vibe first, and wait for his opportunity.

 

It’s ironic that to rational people even love at first sight has to play by the rules of human interactions.
You can’t have the person you want to have sex with thinking your not polite, now can you? 

 

Tim went inside and picked up the store’s newspaper, and got in line to order a coffee. There was one other guy in front of Tim, so he decided to open the paper up to his favourite section, quote of the day.

“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” Oscar Wilde.

The quote struck him as painfully ironic given his current behaviour. With a smile and some bashful scratching of his head, his rational behaviour seemed to float away with the dandruff.
Tim was up. He ordered a flat white and moved to the waiting area.

 

“Flat White”

It was his, Tim went up to grab it but so did the guy who ordered before him. Tim realised he must of ordered a flat white too.

 

“Ah sorry, thought it was mine,” Tim said with a smile.

 

“I can see that,” the other guy stated awfully smugly.

 

Smirking with self-satisfaction, the stranger went outside. Tim’s grin turned crooked.  Tim consoled himself with the probability that the other guy must get into a lot of fights with an attitude like that. Tim hoped next time that the other guy did, he would get punched in the face just after a situation where he was as cocky as how he was with Tim. His thoughts quickly drifted back to Carmen.
Potentiality threw rocks on the window of his heart.

 

 

“Flat White” 

 

 Tim got his coffee and headed outside. He hoped she was still there. Tim decided he would go up and talk to her. “We’re not here to f**k chickens” I believe was the actual thought. He would just let the words come out and take it from there. ‘Amen’ he hollered in his mental theatre like an American preacher.

 

He got outside, and he couldn’t believe his eyes.
His face screwed up like dried up fruit. That a*****e from the coffee incident was sitting with Carmen. Tim wondered if he was her boyfriend? He began to get all angst-ee. He took a seat near them so he could eavesdrop without appearing to eavesdrop.

 

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  3

The ‘confident’ stranger was Lachlan. Lachlan wasn’t Carmen’s boyfriend. He worked with her… but Tim didn’t know that.  Tim’s face beared the ‘what the f**k is going on look’ dogs sometimes have when they can see everyone else eating dinner and they’re not. He hid it behind the paper, and occasionally pulled it out to drink his coffee. Carmen was talking about music, but Tim couldn’t really pay attention. His mind was a series of tangents.
It swarm like a bee-hive.  

 

“ In the middle of Oh comely, you know that part when Jeff’s like, “we know who our enemies arrrrreeeeeee”  Carmen said busting into a breathtaking melody. It was truly right on pitch and full of punch.

“Holy s**t she can sing too,” Tim muttered under his breath, perhaps a little too loud cause the muttering caught Carmens seductive gaze. ‘mmmm what was that?’ she pondered

“Neutral Milk are gay, and a band for hipsters” Lachlan said.

 

Carmen shook her head in distaste. She knew Lachlan was a fool… but deep down he wasn’t too bad of a guy. When she first started, he helped her with the programming and showed her a few shortcuts that usually only came with experience.

He also followed her from work on their breaks, so made she made the effort to maintain the peace.

“ Well if that’s being a hipster, I guess I am a hipster…”

 

Tim turn the page rather loud and attempted to clear his throat with a mix of amens and loud coughs which again caught Carmen’s attention.

 

Just then an awkward man in his late fifties appeared that would change Tim’s life forever.

As he was rushing to get back to his Russian order bride, his obsessively large handlebars rocked Tim’s table, spilling hot coffee all over Tim. As the hot coffee singed Tim’s vulnerable and defenseless flesh, Tim jumped from his chair the way a frightened kitten would right back into the table behind him, breaking a vase and throwing everything on the table.

As old man was stuttering an attempted apology, Tim looked around and too his disbelief saw Carmen goggling straight at him with a fixed blank gaze whilst Lachlan laughed like a little girl.

Tim stared right back.

In a strange twist, all the confusion around the melded into a chaotic quietness as Tim and Carmen seemed to stare into each others being, communicating not with words but with a biological and inherent primal form.

Time seemed to artificially slow to the point of non-existence.

Tim’s mind, blank of potential actions, was overflowing with pure sensitivity. His body surged with electrical energy that only seemed to grow in force.

This was their moment.