poem: Shut Up

Roared across miles... the words

"Shut up, just shut up, shut the f**k UP!"

and something in me, breaks

finally, stops trying.

just gives the f**k up

in compliance with your

"shut the f**k up."

I swallow myself, my aura implodes

compressed as a neutron star

drawing its light from the world,

I fold. I draw down. I shut.

a book that even I can no longer read.

there may be a lock,

there my be a key, I am no longer aware

Not finding words worth remembering

I can think of no alternative ending

nor exit point worth taking.

my existence becomes shut,

eyes stare without seeing

hand moves without grasping

heart beats without loving.

and I feel it. adrenaline does not move

when the earth does.

I cannot will the body

to seek refuge, for systems have shut.

something irreparably broken

is leaking vital fluids

from behind my eyes,

and colors fade to neutral,

tinged only by occasional anger-tinted

clouds that roar and break,

like waves.

I am successfully shut down.

My words are successfully shut off.

Emotions tightly shut in.

Censored, I go through motions

a bubble of sensations

that catch in my throat

and without release, filter into

my lungs, choking me with

green phlegm rising like bile.

My shadow walks

but I stand still, silent...

I stand witness, voiceless.

Powerless. Your desire of me

is simply that I shut the f**k up.

so, for a long time, I do.

So much now depends upon

a weakened voice awakening

to take back the light

from darkness-

it is fragile, it may be half-dead,

it may be a bow without a string,

a desert without an oasis,

a dream without a plan.

but f**k you, it is mine.

Author's Note

words impact as much pain as physical beatings.
exclusion hurts as much as physical beating
censoring the voice of someone makes them a non-entity
if we do not acknowledge these effects, we will tear each other apart

I write for myself, but I might also be writing for so many others. sadly.

Reviews

[Horizon K.]

...My shadow walks
but I stand still, silent...

Misappropriate expression-- is perhaps the most damaging thing to any relationship. Some-- when hurt, immediately lash out, and say the most horrid hurtful things they can think of, in the effort to hurt back. But "I will hurt you", is not the appropriate expression or response, when the true message meant is "you hurt me" or "I am frustrated"... Instead, we should try our best to say exactly what we do mean --- "this--specifically-- is what hurts me about you... can we find a way to communicate and change so that we can repair these things?"

I am not sure why this continues and continues in some relationships when even the truest love has been proclaimed. And how deeply embedded of a personality trait it is? Is it something we can take notice of and change? Does it come from self-protection, pride, lack of respect for the other person, lack of patience, not wanting to allow or be made aware of the other persons opinion, or just another complex human flaw-- for there is a large amount of hypocrisy in this effort to explicitly hurt someone.

Your words capture so well, what happens to the recipient of such emotional duress... how we lose our own ability to effectively communicate-- first by trying to avoid the issue or choosing our words delicately so as not to trigger another episode... but eventually-- we shut down, freeze, become silent... as we try to navigate ourselves away from the war zone...

In any case, while it is difficult to control how we feel, we are all in control of how we express ourselves -- we should be-- for once we enter any kind of relationship we need to take responsibility for how we affect and direct the others feelings, if we want to create and maintain and grow the nature of relationship that we intended. We need to find the appropriate way and the appropriate avenue, to say exactly what it is we want to communicate-- otherwise, we are only going to hurt the ones we claim to love. Which means we will inevitably hurt ourselves -- I hope... otherwise, how will we ever learn? Why would we ever see that we need to change?

Anyway, sorry for my mini-essay, I may have gone off on a tangent but...
Truly, I'm sorry my dear, that anyone would ever try to silence your beautiful voice. Especially someone who ever did, or still does, love you...

[Marie Anzalone]

You, my dear friend, have license to ramble, pontificate, essay, expound, divulge, mosey, criticize, praise, and otherwise take up as much time on my page as your precious heart desires.

As for the wonderful questions you raise, I would say that in the majority of my experiences with miscommunication, the single driving factor at play is pride. Too proud to look for another way to interpret words, too proud to ask for an explanation, too proud to beleive it when given, too proud to find common language, too proud to admit anything is worng, too proud to admit when we are overwhelmed. The pride contributes to lack of patience, loss of interest, inability to listen, etc. I had one person who could repeat back to me word for word every single thing I ever said to him... and misinterpret my meaning some 80% of the time. All attempts to correct his intepretation ended in a fight. It was maddening. We both spoke English, but it was like we spoke absolutley different languages. We could talk for hours about any subject in the world except the relationship itself. Pride keeps us form healing wounds, from letting go, from making fresh starts, etc. Eventually the other person gets just plain tired at the soul level, I think. The spirit just finally breaks.

The shutting down and freezing is to me the by-product of extreme crazy-making: of being led to believe that you cannot believe/ trust your own eyes, ears, skin experiences. That your inner guidance is flawed, your memory is flawed; eventually, that your soul itself is flawed. Yes, we practice avaiodance, and eventually, we do just shut dwn and fold in on ourselves. What other response do we have?

My life is bizarre enough, and guided by mysterios forces that counter socially normal views, that I am in a constant state of flux. I trust very few people with my real inner truth. When it feels like one of them is turning on me, it really hurts. It takes years to build that kind of confidence. I rely on the advice of those who know me best for sorting through the messages. I am currently in the middle of what I beleive wil be a true "spiritual divorce" form one such individual who holds a huge peice of my heart and soul. I cannot even express grief... because on paper we were never married, and had not been a couple in 18 months. Could I ever say that it hurts as much as a "real" divorce without getting my feelings laughed at? So, like everything eles, I sit still and swallow my feelings, tryign to display outwards normalcy. Hard to feel normal when something vital in you is bleeding to death. Internal hemorrhage and pucnture wounds, as Barbara Kingsolver would write.

I thank you ever so much fr the kindness in your review... and for the insightful questions.

[Rene Salinas]

I like the feeling of this it reminded me of the change of what at the time was called Prog - Rock and suddenly the apparation of an anti - structure came about and suddenly 4 chords were only needed with catchy choruses some of them never even learn how to play their instrument properly but the F**k you attitude was so honest people felt it. It is like this that when I read your writing there is that attitude of individuality and expression much needed ,I got a little lost with the needing recognition part as most the f**k you attitude it not concerned with what anyone or anything would think. In the world of relationships this attitude is not really conducive to unity I did feel some of that was expressed as well.

It is a nice rage

Thankyou

[Marie Anzalone]

Thank yu, Rene, for therecognition and review and for sharing your thoughts with me. One of the most damaging things to nay relationship of any type is the selfish, "f**k you, I will do whatever I want." Not because we do not individually have the right to do what we want or need. Rather, it is the indifference and discourtesy and outright contempt to others in our lives that counts. There are better ways of gettign our message across. Better ways of expressing what hurts than telling someone to "shut the f**k up." Better ways of asking for what we need, or saying that something is not working. Etc. You are right... none of what I write about here has ever been conducive to unity. And silencing another's voice is perhaps the most crippling action of all.

[Donna Marie Gray]

Yes, sadly you do write for so many others. Your description is so accurate as to how one feels when they endure such hurt. In my lifetime I have learned that there is one thing far better than getting revenge. I am hell bent on retribution because it requires nothing of me. Retribution is like s**t... it just happens!

I am amazed at the power in your writing. This poem is sad, but powerful. I hope to achieve that in my writing. However, my muse will not allow me to go too deep. She has to much of a sense of humor to allow me to go down that road.

I truly enjoyed your poem.

[Marie Anzalone]

Thank you, Donna, for the review. You speak of an inability to go deep in your own writing; I have found that I had to write consistently for half a decade to get to where I am now, and there still subjects I do not write of. Fear of retribution is one; I have to be very careful with some of my subject material. Fear of alienating my audience. fear of being too real. I DO examine the moment of emotion in much of my work; thoughts, visceral sensations, etc. Writing them out and exploring their origin is actually a powerful clearing technique that I teach others. This particular writing helped me clear a recent suicidal depression. There is power in naming a thing for what it is and in calling it out. Thankyou for yuor kind words and reading tonight. Blessings.

[Tree]

Even though we call ourselves writers we all fall into that sad pattern of ignoring the power of our words. I myself, have to occasionally reign in my words, and it isn't until we see the expression on the faces of those we hurt that it truly hits us. Today's modes of communication add a new level of frustration to any difficult and emotional conversation; sometimes, it's better to just let it go. Why leave anyone with those terrible words, better to just walk away in the hope that person you're destroying with your cruelty will one day forgive you, and remember you, as beautiful. Anyway, that is what I was thinking when I read this piece. As for the construction, the nuance. It was potent. In particular the second to the last stanza and those last two incredible verses, it truly encapsulated and sealed this poem's emotion, intent...



Very nice work here, Marie. Sad, but compelling...

[Marie Anzalone]

We are only human, my friend. We all mess up. I recall an old saying, "God expects you to spill the milk. He is interested in seeing how you clean it up after you do." How many people, especially women, walk through life wounded? I have written of this theme before, most notably a little over a year ago. Cycles repeat and turn and turn... we have to hope that we are making progress, because I truly believe that we pass through the same spots again and again until we get them right. I know the conventional wisdom going right now is to "let go of all that is negative in your life," but that seems to serve no good. It seems to ne far more worthwhile to work through what St. Theresa would call our own "reptiles in the basement." Her first lesson for encountering the soul is harsh medicine in humility: recognize, and and atone for, all the times you have humiliated another human being. Followed by recognize, and forgive, the times that you have been humiliated. Soul-searching does not get any harder than that, I think. Arrogant people blame the other when they screw up, humble people blame themselves... and fix it. I have learned to recognize the need for humility in my partner. I still have a long way to go. As I say, a masterpiece in constant state of progress, fixing, error, and limping along.

[lost girl]

I am blowing you a kiss...it's the strongest thing I have in my arsenal these days. I am speechless! This is empowering and beyond Wonder woman possibilities. YOU ARE ......and that is all that matters! ( as many points as the universe will grant you! BRAVA!

[Marie Anzalone]

thank you very much, LG, for the review and the words of admiration for my work. I do try to make my work empowering, and I am glad that you found it as such. As for arsenals, I do have to say that I rather like what you hold in yours far more than what I have encountered form some others. Hope you have a truly blessed day :-)