In Search of Fire

some reflections triggered by recent deep contemplation

1. Masks

    

I have worn a mask so long

it has become

an integral part of my own face-

so you will never see the embers

of this mind smoldering in my eyes,

glowing from the fanning of my heart.

 

I hide behind my own smallness-

created so to make others, more.

 

My heart is as frozen from misuse

and disuse, as a glacier in Patagonia;

burdened with the stories I have

been admonished not to tell,

conditional tolerance. You have

settled so long for a worn towel,

needing a warm quilt to wrap around

your torso. Someone to light a fire

in your wilderness.

 

I like your body well enough… but hey, that

soul is just too much to take. Might

want to tone it down a little bit?

 

They say, every man and woman

has a range of mountains in his or her

own heart- the highest ones, where

almost nobody could stand the oxygen

deprivation- these were places where

you sat at the side of your own Destiny.

 

They say, you start by reclimbing

the highest one, this time without

the safety harness. Do not fear the

fall- you need it, to learn where

your wings are located on your spine.

 

Do not stay in the

world of those who would tell you

You were not made for greatness.

Make them meet you this time,

somewhere around the top of the

intersection of three worlds.

 

I wonder, can I return there? I want-

to shout from that highest one,

the one that houses that glacier

of silence and masks and shadows.

I am worth knowing, too.

 

1. Birth

    

I prepare for the hardest journey

of all of my lives. Yesterday, I was

trapped, like so many, in my fear

of death. Finality. Then I learned

I have to help someone die.

If being loved greatly is empowering,

then giving even greater love must be

the source of all strength. I go

unarmed ever deeper into enemy

territory. I carry nothing.

 

I search for seeds of courage

on riverbanks and in volcanoes.

I place them around my heart,

to be watered when the ice melts,

fertilized by the tears of past hurts,

present fears, future hopes.

 

I will not stop until I find some

place again, where I will never

be told, “You are too much.

Woman. Warrior. Be Less.”

I search for the fire of passion

fierce enough to melt a glacier,

send the river of my own Love

crashing a course through the Life

of another human being. The

human who can handle that

flood.

 

I know with certainty now- it is

the only chance I have

of ever finding my own salvation

inside the space

of all possibilities that were

created at my birth. When I was

a little girl, I learned to climb

mountains, alone.

 

If I walk far enough now,

burn the fire hot enough,

withstand the winds bravely enough-

maybe my unborn daughter can

take that little girl by the hand,

the one who still lives inside me,

and lead her back to a place

of power.

 

Maybe together we can create

that new world, begging to be born,

where a woman can be everyone

she was born to be- complete,

without apology. Known.

Understood. Loved.

 

Author's Note

This piece was triggered by a series of overlapping recent events- continued heartbreak, an exploration of the stages of trauma recovery, attendance of a global summit on shamanism, helping family members deal with an increasingly emotionally hostile environment, being asked by one of my best friends to help him face down a cancer diagnosis. A leader at the conference talked about how we have become a world society of closed, frozen hearts- and how urgent it is to start melting the ice from around our hearts. He shared a practice of returning to the interior mountains of our own hearts- those places we felt most joyful and alive- and following the path from the highest summits to where they take us. There, he says, we finally know who we really are, and why we are here- and we are all aowrth knowing. Another teacher talked about how we have to finally move past hurt and survival into joy in order to become whole after trauma recovery- and to do so requires facing down your greatest fears. This piece was inspired in meditational fragments after doing all of this work. I am thoroughly exhausted just writing it.

Like much of my recent work, it is an English translation of a piece written in Spanish, which can be found here:

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/zorra_encantada/1943673/

picture is an internet photo of the panorama from Mt. Everest.

Reviews

[emmajoy]

' I hide behind my own smallness ~ created so to make others, more.'

I didn't intend to highlight that quote but it stayed with me from start to finish.. perhaps as a warning, perhaps as a comfort blanket.. perhaps as.. so many things it needs be the thought that holds a true place in what is Me, trying to be a mere part of what is so vast and in many ways, unforgiving.

And perhaps that is the word that rings your meaning in both Author's Note and within your writing: that Life nudges us into a place that is/has become, unforgiving-near shameless in how it's turned our faces to the wall, our hearts into that vast ice you mention more than once. How very true that is... tis like that once Flood...

'I search for the fire of passion ~ fierce enough to melt a glacier, ~ send the river of my own Love ~ crashing a course through the Life of another human being. ~ The human who can handle that
flood.'

For me those words point the way into a place where a solitary figure is discontent... where there's only a dim damned light which needs another's heart to turn up the heat, of sharing love and cherishing it not for a flick of a lash but for whatever one calls for ever and ever.. Perhaps.

You make me think and feel, always have since the first time we laughed then cried together... dear ' Marie' .. Happy everything on Monday, 7th. and - thank you so much for sharing so much beauty and thoughts over time..

[Raquelita]

Emma-

I have not responded until now because I did not have the words.

In response to just some of your insightful and thoughtful comments:

-I think that many women, especially, are taught to make themselves smaller, in order to not "overshine" the men around us. And in that becoming smaller in power and presence, we find the seeds of our hearts freezing.
-I think it is different for most men, maybe? Their hearts freeze as they become smaller in compassion and connection and empathy- traits we discourage as being "too feminine?"
-Yes, many of us have learned to be content, thrive even, walking a solitary path. I certainly have these past 5 years. But, as we climb the paths in our hearts, and we face our greatest fears head-on, many of us also realize that we do desire partners at our side for the rest of the journey. We maybe have to allow ourselves to break open once more, to melt. And when we do, we unleash all of that hidden power, perhaps? That flood?

I have met my soul mate in this life- and he is someone I can never be with as a partner, due to life circumstance. But ha has been there for me in my growth and recovery, in finding my spirit again. When this whole phase started, I remember him taking my hands in his, looking me in the eye, and telling me, "there is a nuclear bomb inside you, waiting to explode, your ability to love is that powerful. Maybe even a supernova."

I don't know what to make of it all, some days. Like you- I feel so small so lost, so scared, so insignificant- such a small piece of something so much greater. I grasp for words that never come out the way I need them to. I try to write in 2 languages to find some middle ground between worlds, maybe?

I appreciate SO MUCH the birthday review of this, one of my tougher works- and more the wishes and the beautiful, beautiful friendship across a decade now. You have been such an inspirational part of my growth as a writer, a poet, a human being a woman. Just, thank you. You men more than you know.

[emmajoy]

Will only say 'Thank you, dear you', adding that the ten or so years have meant.. more than words.. ..