Orange Stone

I dove into the water and this is what I found.

I found an Orange stone

                burnt on the rock ledge five feet

                                deep under water

                                                among stones of other colors.

 

                                The disruption of the water

                surfaces constant collisions,

waves and ripples and swimmers.

 

                The destruction of theaters.

 

                                Holy acid rays of underwater sunlight

                                                strip and dive, skinny

wavy like Northern Lights

                in white lines from a yellow eye.

 

I wanted to take the Orange stone

                home, and dove deeper

                                to reach my fingers down

           and grab its hands.

 

I rose, and the stone

                breathed a five-year breath

                                of fresh oxygen, when

                                                I considered its place

                           here, under water.

 

                           With this breath it said to me clearly,

                                                “I’d rather stay, here

                                three hundred and sixty five days a year,

                so please, dive back down there,

and leave me.”

 

To die

                under water

                                is an awful death

           unless you can’t

breathe.

Author's Note

This is an experiment in visual form. I tried to make the lines wavy and sporadic like a water's surface. Does it work or is it distracting to the imagery?

Reviews

[Lydia]

Overall, the wavy lines work for me. I have a bit of an issue with the choppiness of the last sentence, just because I think it would be more effective if the last four words were all on separate lines.

Other than that, this is a beautiful crafting of the english language. Love the imagery.

[Vince]

how strange it is that the 'o' in orange is capitalized..hm..

and aurora borealis is always a good image-rific thing to write about! a lot of the appeal in this is in the waviness as someone has already stated. the last line also read kind of strange to me, I think you might mean 'unless you CAN breathe.' the logic works better there, unless you were going for the strange reversal, if that case, then leave it as it is.

I get the sense of an orange being tossed in a calm pond and having its ripples reaching the ocean and beyond, but that's just me

[Kara Emily Krantz]

great visual form - you did it very well. but it wasn't tacky - it wasn't something i thought of or was forced upon me, which worked great.

"breathed a five-year breath
of fresh oxygen, when
I considered its place
here, under water.""

liked that a lot and then the ending was just great - something simple, and obvious - but you made is seem so profound> :) great job

[KayOss]

I like the wavy form of this. It is fitting to the subject of the poem, rather than just being a decorative device. As such, it adds to the poem rather than being distracting. I wonder why the speaker picked the orange stone over all the other stones. Maybe it's that orange stones are more rare. It's one of those odd questions that some readers ponder when reading this; I know I did. It may sound weird, but I found myself settling into this poem, diving in deeper and deeper as I read. Intriguing. I like settling into poems, though. It's fun stuff.

I love the personification within this poem. You gave the stone a voice and let it assert its own choice. It was also demanding. I find it curious that the stone commanded the speaker to dive back down and leave it rather than demanding that the speaker drop it. I think that the stone realized that being dropped might hurt. LOL Maybe I think about it too much though. However, you opened that door when you gave the stone its own voice and personality. I personally find that it adds to the poem. Simply beautiful.

[Carl Taylor]

At first I was a little lost, but then the imagery cleared it up to make it really great. I love the last line and the use of dialogue. Great job!

[Jacqueline]

I enjoyed the form as well as the simple beauty of your story. Many times we find things that seem so precious that you forget that you may not have permission to possess it. The imagery was vibrant-it's a great read.

[Erin Phoenix]

... this is aweome. I could visualize every word that you discribed. It was magically sad.

:)

[J.P.O.et]

Of course I got the visual presentation, back and forth like the waves
and also not a bad poem too. I like the trippy descrip of how it looked
winking at you from underneath, nice
J.P.O.et

[Shadows of Sight]

I got the image of the bubbles that come from a divers nose as they are slowly releasing their breath underwater. I liked the imagery, but i think i was distracted from the beautiful rock, by the last part about death undernieth the see. One came across bright and shiny and the other sort of sad. Like there were to poems in one, and there wasn't a clear tie in. But thats just my opinion. :)

[J.P. Bristow]

I love the form I really think you have something here though I would put a few more spaces in demand that your reader read this at your pace.....we are such a freakin fast food generation...It makes me insane when people want to discover the answer immediately with no thought or personal definition....so go with your gut...you will find it never lets you down...well done.

[Kasey Klein]

I find it distracting, Travis. I'm not, as you can guess, a big fan of visual effects in writing.

I like the imagery, though. It's well-written.