I Can Be

I can.
I can be your anything.
That little puppet
Delightfully dancing, prancing
On your love strings.

I can.
I can be your everything.
That little secret
You hold so tight
Guarded and Shielded
From every light.

I can.
I can be your most needed things.
That bleeding heart
Cradling and soothing
Even your unknown parts.


But, I refuse.

I refuse because I can.
I can refuse to be put
Into your little box.
I can refuse to be put
Under your lock.

I am not your puppet.
I am not your secret.
I will not cradle and soothe.
most particularly, not for you.

Reviews

[V. Blake]

I really liked the repetition of "I can," building up to "I refuse." It was an awesome buildup to the defiant nature of the piece.

I hope you don't mind a little constructive criticism (Read no further if you do--just trying to help!), but I think you're on the verge of something pretty cool here. It's just a little rough around the edges.

Personally, I think you may want to consider changing the last line of the first stanza to "On your love's strings," for the sake of keeping up the puppet metaphor. What you have makes sense, but it paints a different picture than what I think you may have been trying to say.

Next, "your every and unknown part" is a bit of a jarring break in a lovely flow you had going. Maybe something like "your every nameless part?" Just a thought, but one or two fewer syllables in this line would do the poem good, I think.

Lastly, your concluding line is a bit weak for what is otherwise a very strongly written poem. I would scrap it entirely, or change it to something a bit more aggressive. Something like, "So stop asking," for example.

Again, just my opinions. It's your poem, and a good one, so do with it as ya will. :)

[Judas Hammer]

LOL i like the twist. The cans mezmorized me and then you turned it. I like it. Nice piece. again i felt alittle detached. Make me feel and think!

[Raef C. Boylan]

Hey, nice piece.
Like V.Blake below, I thought there was a good build up to the change in sentiment. The last line made me laugh - maybe it wasn't supposed to, maybe reading on a different day I'd twist it into something serious in my head - but I just liked the solid aggression of it, took me by surprise.
Pretty cool, cheers for sharing.