Pancakes

a snippet from a longer story I'm writing (narrative poetry)

Pancakes

Rain

comes down in roaring sheets.

Clouds

cover the mountains,

home to gushing waterfalls.

The ocean, normally calm turquoise,

is foamy and gray,

could break your neck if you try surfing today.

 

Drops plop

against the windows,

practically drowning

the grass and flowers outside.

No birds hopping around

on the lawn today,

their chirps usually starting at 6 a.m.

like a particularly annoying alarm.

 

Today is a day for

pancakes and laziness,

Miranda thinks.

Sitting inside

under a giant warm blanket

with a hot drink

and a friend or two,

at least until the rain stops.

 

Pancakes make her

think of Cal.

Cal loves pancakes,

declaring them

one of two good things

about Western civilization.

The other is punk rock,

the more expletive-laced, the better.

 

She wonders

where he is during this rainstorm.

Hopefully sleeping,

hopefully not attempting to

brave the waves on his homemade surfboard,

devil-may-care grin stuck to his face

as he attempts to hang ten.

 

Miranda can see it now:

his brown beanpole body balanced,

picking up speed,

the rush of aggressive ocean all around.

Bam! Wipeout.

Not the worst beating he’s taken.

Easy enough to stroke to the surface

with arms strong from hard work,

pick himself up,

get back on the board.

 

Maybe that’s what it takes to survive here,

on this tiny rock

in the middle of a big ocean

in the middle of a bigger world.

That

and pancakes.

Author's Note

what do you guys think of this so far? Keep in mind that this is only one poem of a much longer story -- Is the imagery working? What can I improve on? What would you like to see?

Reviews

[R.J Calzonetti (Siniste..]

The imagery is outrageously good in my opinion. I could manage to imagine much of what you were conveying in my head. The beauty of a fierce sea, or ocean, the sanctuary of pancakes, blankets, and friends. I could image Cal very clearly as well with your descriptions. I could imagine the waves he surfed in my head. The way you worded things, it made the island you're on seem small. Like it could support a small town, and that would be it. I could imagine the waves battering the broken rocks of the shore. You are very skilled. This is one of my favourite poems on the site now. Top 10 I think. Thank you for sharing.

[Hayley]

Thank you! Inspiration came from my own childhood, a Jack Johnson song, and a 2-page Hellboy comic. Somehow I was able to take three very different things and mash them together, so I'm glad it was successful :) I have more poems with these characters, if you'd be interested in reading more.

[R.J Calzonetti (SinisterPotatoe)]

Oh of course! I'll check them out as well over time. Please keep writing, you have such a talent.

[Samuel Dickens]

With great and vivid descriptions, you set a welcoming scene in which the reader becomes one with the narrator. Together, our thoughts meander peacefully toward pancakes and other things.

[An owl on the moon]

There is a wondrous magic that plays through your poetry here, flavoring each line with delicious imagery and that feeling of real and not real flowing within and without. The rhythm gives the magic a very musical tone, making me hope to know more of Miranda and Cal... and of course, pancakes... I have always been fond of pancakes.

[Hayley]

Thank you! And yes, it's very hard not to love a good pancake.

[barleygirl]

I was completely transported by your poem. I was THERE, going thru these thoughts & feelings & actions. I love your uninhibited style, which is nicely straddling the fence between complex ideas & simple delivery . . . it's a disarming combination which draws the reader in. I don't think it matters much if this is poetry or prose . . . when I write, I find I am less wordy when I use a poetry format. If this were done in prose, you'd probably beef it up with more & more & more. It's nice to be brief in an expansive way, as you've done. I get the feeling one could drop in on this narrative at any point & still feel as if it were crystal clear & entrancing (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[roarke]

One question, why the poem format? Why not just write this in story/paragraph format? I like how you set the scene. There's a personality and casual intimacy about this write.

[Hayley]

I don't exactly know why I chose poetry... I guess it's because I saw this as a very brief scene in my head, almost like it was part of a movie, and I wanted to be brief, yet descriptive with it.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

made me hungry for my swedish crepes...from IHOP....
but seriously...great description...the images work magic...and i like the daydreams of what he is doing...as she thinks of him and pancakes...those great mundane things that we don't often appreciate enough. Loving the little nuances of each other.
j.

[Hayley]

I could go for some pancakes now, too. Maybe tomorrow :) Thanks for reviewing.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

I enjoyed the detail and the direction of travel in this freeverse (narrative poetry without rhyme) It sets the scene as a coastal town/village and begins to introduce characters using dialogue and description/history/back story.

[Hayley]

Thanks for the review! I started writing this a few months after I moved to the mainland from Hawaii (where I had lived for 12 years, since I was a small child.) Working on this story helped me keep hold of the memories I had of living on-island, and it also is letting me reference a lot of fantasy/horror works (spoilers: Cal is a monster in the vein of Hellboy and Nightcrawler from X-Men) :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

I had a best friend who lived in Hawaii till she passed at much too young an age...she thrived there...i could feel the beauty of the state when she described her life there. Sorry to intrude here, but you made me think of her...and smile.

[Hayley]

Thanks for sharing. I'm glad I could make you smile :)