Ours

 

 

                                    Staying submerged felt

                           endless...

                                    boundless...

 

but one can only hold their breath for so long

               before our lungs require us to resurface

                             I was trying to remember when

             .....................

 

              "when" our imperfections

      became their beauty mark

                                 and the mercury in their blood           

                                   became our electrolyte

 

       they said that we can be like airplanes

                              and fly high above the freak show

         but little did any of us know

                               

                  the red tide had grown too high                      

                            swallowing up our dignity and pride                             

          forcing us instead

                             to travel by land

                sadly...

                 we failed to rescue one of our own

                 our yellow submarine

             

                              could not save the canary

                  perhaps...

 

              the drowning was necessary.

 

Author's Note

There has been a lot of fighting recently on the cafe. Writers in this place seem to be so deep in water..they are oblivious to how they treat one another...oblivious to how certain actions and words can pull another writer down, hence "the canary" representing the few writers that are trying to fly high above the chaos, and remain "creatively free"...but harsh words and criticism are weighing these writers down. "The drowning was necessary" a metaphor to represent the writers who try and stay afloat "by elimating the competion"

Reviews

[Star]

the waters can me such a beautiful place but yet can be a place of horror....I love this. I did not realize people did not get along on here and fighting. ugh... I sure hope I don t encounter that, because I am here purely for the craft of writing, to get improve myself and be of help to others...honestly.. and I don't want to have all the drama...ugh.. you are a wonderful poet Muse and thanks for interacting with me.

[James William Dyer]

I liked your descriptions, and the depth interlaced throughout the poem, as well as how you patterned the words (though I wondered why the top three lines were left-justified...I'm kinda slow, so I mighta missed something). "mercury in their blood....electrolytes" was a really nice line. "I was trying to remember when..when" the repitition of the word "when" doesn't sound right on the first read through, but the second read through I gave a pause before the second when and it sounded fine. Maybe put some sort of grammatical indication of pause, since a line break didn't indicate a pause there, at least for me. Great poem.

[Muse]

thank you James for that constructive review...I will look for another way to get the reader to pause and breathe.

[Talal Hussain]

Thats a beautiful composition...you are an amazing writer :-)

[Muse]

thank you

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

Makes me think of how we are always being told how we should do things by the media, religion and so called society. They all think they know best for everyone when we are all individuals and therefore all have different ways.

[Muse]

We all believe we know best...and that's when "one of OUR own" gets left behind. Despite our good intentions.

[The Rock And Roll Cowboy(REBEL WITH A CAUSE)]

Good point.

[.]

~ wow... what a beautiful piece of poetry... heart and soul... ~ the closing is unbelievably profound... maybe we have to be "submerged" for a bit before we re-emerge... 'tis the most beautiful lesson that one can derive from adversity... (just my thoughts)...

[Muse]

some of us don't survive the baptism....

[.]

~ true that... i survived all kinds of abuse... but a friend of mine couldn't survive abuse at the work place... he died... he was so exhausted (from being overworked by our supervisor) that he fell asleep on the wheel and went under a static trailer truck... ~ we have to be alive to survive...

[The Analog Kid]

You threw in some kick a*s, unpredictable rhymes. Love the theme; really spoke to me and I need that.

"I was trying to remember when
'when' our imperfections
became their beauty mark
and the mercury in their blood
became our electrolyte..."

Those lines rock, also:)

[Muse]

thank you Pat, it always makes me smile when you pay me a visit. xo

[The Analog Kid]

Sure, Beth. Always a pleasure:)

[Dayran]

In a canvas as large as the world a person may be forgiven for losing a canary. However that same canvas of life informs us that life regenerates itself even after death. Perhaps it is trying to tell us that it is not one thing but everything put together that matters. A poem that echoes like the sound of whales in the ocean.

[Muse]

thank you...voices of thousands echo...we are many, yet there is always "one" that gets left behind.

[Lily Mae]

For me it's more then a surrender..it's like an observation so deeply lived in a place that is no longer comfortable... In the drowning, all things feel new to me. Cleansing body, mind and soul..xo :) but that's just me and how I see it:) xo

[Muse]

I wanted to paint an oxy moron...trying to save a canary with a submarine. Our intentions are always good, but the outcome is always out of our control

[Lily Mae]

So true.. no matter how hard you try ...it just is what it is...outside of the control.. :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i really like "when our imperfections became their beauty mark"

we could not save one of our own...universal... i think of the american arrested in north korea who could face the death penalty...in that country, not much chance he will survive..
the canary must die to save the rest?

the canary part of this reminded me of susan glaspell's Trifles...that poor bird with the broken neck...i think Mrs. Wright killed it herself because she couldn't stand hearing it do what she could no longer do.

sometimes i think killing is done out of resentment and jealousy...we kill happy lives just because we can't find that which they have.

[Muse]

yes Amen to that Jacob, your thoughts are always thoughts to ponder over deeply. Thank you for sharing and caring.