Feelings of remorse

An excerpt of my 12th book "On Both Sides Of The Abyss", which has been completed and would be published very soon.

The chopper flew low over the sea and landed on the beach close to the ancient port, from there Nour had to walk some thirty yards up to the shuttle station. She was in her hotel room at seven forty five and the first thing she did was to call her contact in New York.

'Well how was it Nour?' He asked her.

'Not bad at all,' she replied and updated him on her ancient port inspection. She spent almost an hour to write her report, and went down to the restaurant to have a late dinner. Just one couple of elderly people was present there at that late hour. She was not hungry and wondered why she came down at all, was it out of habit or the need to be among some other people? 

I'd to forget that weird feeling of the hideout apartment, what a ghoulish feeling it was. She almost muttered the last few words aloud.

She ordered a piece of cake and coffee, and a quarter of an hour later after she had a second cup she left the restaurant.

'Aren't you going out Ms. Ramzi there're nice places you may enjoy yourself there in downtown.' The female receptionist turned to her politely.

'Thanks a lot ya habibti (my dear one) but I'm exhausted.'

When she reached her room she went to the small fridge and checked its contents, there were half a dozen bottles of beer, and several tiny liqueur bottles. She pulled out a beer bottle and uncapped it with the bottle opener, which was lying on top of the small fridge. She never touched alcohol before, but she felt she needed a drastic change at that very moment, it may help her to fall asleep and forget the eeri hours in Abdul Karim's company. She tasted it but its bitterness made her feel like she is going to throw. She left the full bottle on the desk and went out to her room balcony to breathe some fresh air. 

She sat silently on a chair near the balustrade watching the lighted town and the far off sea shore, yielding her face and her torso to the light cool caressing and consoling breeze; in an unconscious attempt to resign herself to her unknown yet fate, brooding though on her misfortune.

It all started with my refusal to marry my father's business associate, and I don't regret it; on the other hand I've met Ken and I've never been in love before as much as I love my Ken. I did manage to hide from him my arrest in Damascus and my ties with Abdul Karim, and now when I believed that I'll never see Abdul Karim again… Before Aleppo I believed time would solve my problems, and after Aleppo I was sure that no one would recognize me. But now I'll have to lead two lives with the man I love and with Abdul Karim each time I'll cross the border to my country. She yawned and hastened to cover the lower part of her face with her left hand, and went inside to her bed. She undressed and put on her night gown and sprawled on her back upon the bed, but she could not sleep.

I'm so sorry I've told him about Jack and Zachary particularly Zachary, he was so kind to me so patient; I owe them my reunion with my Ken, and Zachary took care of me all the way to adana, with such skill and such care as if he was my old brother, while I've betrayed them and endangered their lives… I can't neither ask them to forgive me nor warn them,  what a disgusting mess… How can I be freed from this kind of life of lies and pretension? I'm so dependent on my Ken on his love and affection… I must make him dependent on me; he loves me after all I know it, and I must persuade him to leave this life and take me with him away… I'm carried away with dreams and illusions again and again… I've no other choice but carry on several more years serving my country, and my loyalty to my Ken will be my love to him.

© Haim Kadman December 2013 " all rights reserved.