Desolation

i feel so lonely,

i'm overwhelmed.

this empty heart

it's just aching.

i feel this desire

to hold someone tight,

to give my love

and know it's right.

she had it first,

it was so true.

i went in too fast

and i held the blame.

i gave her my all

she gave hers away,

i found this out later

my heart's in dismay.

these feelings haunt me

most every night,

i can't overcome them

nor their dejection.

i just feel the need

to love and protect,

to find that one girl

let our hearts connect.

i just feel lonesome

it's devastating

this barren heart

it's just aching.

Author's Note

Just emotions. What do you think about the rhyme scheme? Or how I changed the words in the last four lines, except aching? Let me know your thoughts

Reviews

[Frieda P]

Rejection is a hard pill to swallow, feel the pain in this write. I'm not a rhymer myself but I'm not crazy about rhyming ing with ing...perhaps try a different approach.

I just feel lonesome
devastated, broken in half
this barren heart
has had its last laugh

[Harrisen Viator]

Yeah more like cheating multiple times with multiple guys, which I guess is like rejection.. and I really didn't notice that rhyme, because I wasn't trying to rhyme there. So I guess I could make a change. I'll think of something thatll convey how I feel, because I'm not sure if "had its last laugh" accurately describes how I felt/feel about the whole situation. Thank you for your input though!
Getting reviews helps more than you know.

[DoNt LoSe YoUrSeLf]

I feel the rhyming works real well with this poem :) Also, I felt I could really relate to this simply because the line: "I gave her my all, she gave hers away" reminds me how my last relationship was. I gave all my emotions and heart into it, but he didn't seem to care and had no problem just breaking up with me, then acting as if I don't exist or ever meant anything to him. It's tough when you give all of your effort and personal self to someone and expecting everything to be okay or for them to put in equal effort just like you have...but often, it doens't work like that. Great write :)

[Harrisen Viator]

Thank you! I'm sorry that you can relate to it, cause it's not fun, but hey it's cool that people can relate to poems that I've written. Yeah being emotional has it's ups and downs.
But anyways, thank you! I'm glad you like it! :)

[DoNt LoSe YoUrSeLf]

Yeah, emotions aren't the most fun things to try dealing with, but that's what life is all about really. It's not fun to relate feeling, but I love being able to relate to any type of poem...to be able to put myself in the narrator's shoes through whatever is happening.

[Baby Ricochet]

I read the whole piece first then read the last word in each line only to get the rhymes and I liked it. So far as the content goes; I glanced at what you said in the reviews about "cheating." First off ask yourself this question. Did she lead you to believe you were her one and only or did you let yourself believe that? Second thing is; girls (or boys) like this, Promiscuous types. You enjoy what you get from them in that moment and let them go. They're "right here right now fun." not love, and trust me little dude, right here right now fun ain't to bad. These types of people aren't hard to pick out of a crowd and after awhile you'll know the difference too. Inthe mean time just be careful with that heart of yours. Okay?

[Harrisen Viator]

Yeah, I understand what you're saying. And yeah, I fucked up, but she was lying and manipulative and I guess I'm too nice for that.

[Ees]

I think the words are right and the timing too, but if I were you I would consider breaking this into stanzas as there are transitional areas in your writing.

You don't need a partner or a girl, or at least you shouldn't. You are too young to feel that need so strongly. No me, I've got all of my family on my back everyday. They want a wedding to attend, they want a party to throw, they want to buy cute little baby clothes and soon, they don't want me to miss my window of opportunity! And I don't even have, nor have I ever had a real, true boyfriend.

Nice job! I think it is well done!

[Harrisen Viator]

Oh, well I mean it really isn't about wanting someone, it's about me loving my ex and her cheating on me.

[Ees]

I see that to a certain extent, but there was this underlying feeling that seemed like you just needed a girl to me... It reads that way, look through it again?

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Harrisen

I am glad we are now friends.

I thought, albeit I have currently 543 read requests, I would turn my attention to you in this piece.

I can only do what I can.

Four clues here:

1) You are 19 and a student;

2) Your author's note is about construct and not content;

3) Your title gives an idea 'Desolation'; and

4) Then we are left with the words of your poem.

I can review in any style as fancy takes me and as I go. Let's see where this one takes me. We will both find out at the end.

Review.

Structure: One Twenty Eight Line verse. Complaints? None. Who ever said Poetry had to be other than words on a page? Is it supposed to have a form, an already recognised one? Not at all. I object that anyone should so confine anyone in their writing. Originality is often all.

I would note that the greatest writers of all time took the 'Beginners Guide to Writing Effectively' dumped it in the bin, did their own thing. They broke every rule in the book. That's why they are famous!

Rhyme: Virtually none. All I see at distance is 'tight', 'right' and 'night' Am I bothered? Nope! There is a sort of Poetry in prose to this as a feel, though Baulderalire's 'Fleurs du Mal' was lengthier in its poetic prose statements.

You do lines that last at most four words.

But therein lies a lot of its beauty. Less is more. Curt rather than weighty and ponderous.

One day we may refer to this as 'Harrisen Viator's 'Desolation' and reflect back on it as a unique style?

It doesn't really matter in the end. This is what you wanted to say and this is how you chose to say it.

Bearing in mind my reviews can be long and balanced I may pick up stuff here I would prefer was written otherwise, but mostly it's just me talking heart and soul if not also sole.

And so to meaning:

See I always like looking at the writing and the writer behind it at the same time.

What do I see here?

Me at your age.

Wanting love.

Losing it.

Broken heart.

Loneliness when all you want is companionship.

At 18 I was in Belfast. At 19 I was in Geneva. At 20 I was in Paris. At 21 I was in Cambridge as an undergraduate and then I travelled the world in business.

But I still remember the trials and tribulations of early love, the hurts, the loneliness and if not that just the multiplicity of endless casual sex where I lost count in the end!

Casual affairs don't hurt. Love does!

Lifts:

'i feel so lonely,
i'm overwhelmed.
this empty heart
it's just aching.'

Hurt! Deeply hurt and alone after failed love!?

Next lift:

'i feel this desire
to hold someone tight,
to give my love
and know it's right'

You know what you want. You seek it. You've lost it. You have a point of view in personal awareness you admit.

Next lift:

'she had it first,
it was so true.
i went in too fast
and i held the blame'

Lost love. It didn't last long but you feel it's your fault. Take it from one who knows after 53 years on the blue planet. It isn't your fault. It's shared responsibility. It takes two to tango.

Next lift:

'i gave her my all
she gave hers away,
i found this out later
my heart's in dismay.'

In love you always make yourself vulnerable. it is all about mutual trust. But in trusting you may find yourself deceived. It was all too quick. A false front. She / he finds someone else and you feel like garbage that has just been binned when you feel you don't deserve it.

Next lift:

'these feelings haunt me
most every night,
i can't overcome them
nor their dejection.'

When deceived in love in my teenage years or even when my first wife chose to f**k behind my back in marriage, it's tough. It is the stuff of nightmares and even after decades, I haven't forgotten. The pain remains. Distance may dull pain, but the apparent oblivion of sleep will throw them back in your face in fuller nightmarish form.

Next lift:

'i just feel the need
to love and protect,
to find that one girl
let our hearts connect'

You reiterate your need for that one other who will make you whole; the one the other and the only.

You may find perhaps even as this poem may imply when in a relationship and it gets hard, you want out of it.

When out of a relationship you want back into another.

Happened to me.

'Pathemata mathemata' as the Ancient Greeks used to say. 'Experience teaches'.

Let's see as in this poem how you mature and your attitudes with experience over time.

Last lift:

'i just feel lonesome
it's devastating
this barren heart
it's just aching.'

You end with the barren words of loneliness, rejection and pain.

As reader to writer, at your age and even today, I still see your pain.

If it is not in past times, it can still reside and continue today.

At your age, at college in Paris, I remember saying to a French older friend, 'I wish I were less shy and older so that I could deal with the world better.'

His words still ring bells in my ears and remain true, 'The older you get, the harder it beomes. There is no merit in maturity. Life is a continuum constantly changing and we react and adapt or we die'.

Harrisen, I find in this poem a beguiling honesty which speaks to my heart of the person you are, when I was your age.

But what as writers are we all seeking to do?

We want that and only that, recognition in our readers in their life experiences of our own.

The only thing that can be said to be true is that you can never please all the people all of the time.

We are all different.

But you have pleased me with this eloquent, well worded and simple piece of poetic anguish and I assure you will have struck so many more.

Should this review should have failed its purpose, I apologise.

But today it is all I can offer.

My emotional response.

Just me

Your friend


James Hanna-Magill

[Harrisen Viator]

James Hanna-Magill,

Thank you so much for your review of my poem and offering your own advice on it. I have read this a few times, before I could come up with a reply that fit the insight you have given me. I'm glad that you have enjoyed my poem and have shared how you yourself can relate to it, it gives me a lot of perspective to my own life and helps me know that I was able to convey my own emotions in a way that evoked such a strong emotional response in you. I feel honored to have you share your life experiences with me and relate them to my poem. Thank you for your well thoufht out response. I will continue to reflect back to this experience as I continue my endeavor to become a better writer.

Thank you,
Your friend
Harrisen

[unsavable_soul]

And here I digress...
As always James nails it. I hope it was understood my views were only that, simply my perspective. I knew James was far more suited for such needs of other... I simply humbly attempt to learn and emulate. As always a striking review. Love it.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

there is an ache here...the rhyme scheme is fine...but something i might like to see you do is go for free verse...if the rhyme naturally comes, let it.

but this feels just a bit forced...just let your emotions flow naturally with your pen.

perhaps shoot for some metaphor...use one thing to tell another..

channel the emotions...

this is good for "getting it out" but you might back away from the emotions a little bit...give them time to settle, and then play a bit more...package them in a bit more of an abstract way.

just thoughts...

40 years ago when i started writing, it was more of a direct flow from the heart...

it felt good to get those emotions out, no doubt...but then i started to use them more than letting them use me.
if that makes any sense....

jacob

[Harrisen Viator]

I'll definitely give free verse a try sometime, I have never really went in to writing with the intent of a free verse poem before.
I do see what you're saying here. My emotions were just flying when I wrote this, so I guess next time I should take more control and let it out slowly and more maturely. I'll definitely give this some thought the next time I feel my emotions pour into a poem, instead I'll water my emotions onto the page as if it were a garden instead of dowsing it like a fire.

[unsavable_soul]

must say I like the way you did a change up in your ending. I feel this piece for sure, now on to critique. You have done a good job in that change you spoke of with one exception in my personal opinion.

" i feel so lonely,
it's overwhelming. -------- here the direct meaning I take as too much to
this empty heart handle.
it's just aching. "

" i just feel lonesome
it's devastating ----------here the direct meaning I take as highly destructive
this barren heart
it's just aching. "

My thought here was that perhaps you had sought for more likeness as you did with lonely and lonesome. Such as overwhelming / overthrowing or overpowering, while these that you use are technically synonyms they lack the direct connect that the first line of each part has.. This being said to my knowledge you can't do with overwhelming what you accomplished with lonely / lonesome, other then to use overwhelm as past tense or current. Then devastating again same thing. I merely thought with your talents you might seek more cohesive wording. This is of course my opinion as a reader and not at all to say you're wrong as I do not feel as such.
Lastly...

To the effect of your rhyme scheme, I loved it with one exception.


" it was so true.
i went in too fast
she blamed it on me. ----------- this line, mostly it ending in "me".
i gave her my all
she gave hers away,
i found this out later
my heart's in dismay.
these feelings haunt me ---------- and this one, again the "me".
most every night,
i can't overcome them "

I think due to the length between these two lines and what I view as their relation to your rhyme scheme, I began to somewhat trip over the rhythm that had been developed.
I think in all other senses ( my opinion, your thoughts are fact ) you excelled here. I hope this helps more than hinders as I think you are amazing and only getting ever better by the piece.
Sincerely
Christopher

[unsavable_soul]

Fixed sorry about that.
Chris

[Harrisen Viator]

Okay awesome! Here we go:
When I chose "lonely" and "overwhelming" I meant it as in I felt just 'alone' and the feeling of being alone is 'overwhelming' to me, because as you we are social creatures and are meant to be around others.
And in the last line when I chose "lonesome" I meant 'depressed or sad because of the lack of friends, companionship, etc.' and the depression that caused in me was devastating.
I feel like I didn't clarify this in my poem very well. So that's my fault as a writer.

I think I am going to change "she blamed it on me" to "I held the blame" because I feel like that says the same thing, but gets rid of the awkward rhyming "me"

I don't know if that would make it any better, your thoughts are welcomed.

Thanks,
-Harrisen

[unsavable_soul]

I wanted to tell you on the rhyme scheme point I wanted to give suggestions but in the aspect of directly changing another's work I believe one should be asked not overbearing. I think the change definitely has strong merit, and I now see your thoughts on the top and bottom far more clearly. Again in this aspect I feel I could have an idea to offer but think it should be only if you feel you want to hear it. Love this piece as I said before, I myself feel this in my own life in so many ways.
Thanks for the chance to help.
Chris

[Harrisen Viator]

Okay awesome, and you know your thoughts and opinions are always welcome, because I am only trying to get better and I'm always open to something new.

[unsavable_soul]

Here was my thought and mostly because I try to do it with similar pieces, perhaps there should be a middle line that is of the same nature as the top and bottom. To me this keeps the idea and it's subtle changes linear to the reader, causing them to easily follow the nature at which that change is measured. so the context of the disputed words becomes much more vivid to the reader. I am sure I need not say to one as witty and perceptive as you that this is only my view and perhaps you should seek a few opinions on those changes if any.

[unsavable_soul]

P.s. If in doubt, I would turn to James Hanna-Magill. That is if he isn't swamped with requests as I must imagine he often is. He has been one of my greatest friends here and is a surgeon with his critique, in the sense he is an expert at giving you the fell blow we so much need to grow in a way only a true friend can. Again another suggestion only.

[Harrisen Viator]

Okay, I'll take a look into it. The middle line, that is. Thank you for your help here, it is much appreciated! I'm only trying to get better and your help is doing wonders, I hope you know.
And I'll reach out to him, so hopefully he'll give me some feedback, too. It's always good to get a lot of opinions.
Thanks as always!
-Harrisen

[unsavable_soul]

I assure you, if you reach out to James...
He will grab you by the hand.
I can not convey how thankful I am for not just people like, but exactly you.
Sincerely
Chris

[Harrisen Viator]

Well, I sent him a message, so I'm sure he'll get back to me sometime, but thank you so much for your help Chris. You've given me a lot to think about, for this poem and others.
-Harrisen

[unsavable_soul]

My pleasure my dear friend.
Chris

[Harrisen Viator]

I changed the second line, I'd like to know your thoughts on that.

[unsavable_soul]

I definitely grasp the intent there much more then I had. But again for all matters of near if not perfection in writing, I turn to James. He's a busy man, but in my experience not neglectful.

[Rita L. Sev]

The content and emotion, wonderful and authentic. Some of the rhymes, great (away/dismay - protect/connect) But the -ing rhymes don't flow as well.

[Harrisen Viator]

I think I'm going to change the first aching to shattered or something like that, because I didn't want a rhyme there, it just sorta happened. And I didn't know any other way to show how I felt besides using aching, because it's still a problem that I deal with. Thank you for your input though.