him

Unfamiliar peace and security in a new relationship that feels illusory. You cannot help but agonize upcoming hurt and pain.

what is this foreign feeling?

tranquility

i hear nothing but a soothing silence

my breath constant and light

my head a separate entity

so 

liberating.

where have my shoulders gone?

and my heart, i can’t hear it

but i can sure feel it more intensely than ever

meanwhile below a calm stream flows through my stomach

where butterflies glide on the surface.

as i sit down

all the weight that once restrained my shoulders passes down

i’d forgotten how gravity feels

like a safety belt that fastens me to the ground

a ground intact

a whole.

i’m at peace

 

from the once earth-shaking war that broke up my soul

ceasefire

his warm words provide assurance taking me in

like my mom’s arms that time after what felt like the longest semester away

minimal 

but so endearing.

But wait

Flickers of shadows are coming at me

Incomprehensible spitballs of whispered words pierce my eardrums

I’m perplexed of the time that I am in

But more of my own self, my own identity

because I do not hate her.

Butterflies become dragon flies encircling me

Like when grandma told me it signified forewarning

An omen

Of an upcoming storm.

I’d prefer a hurricane

And sounds of gun firing and screams and panic attacks

Uneasy breaths and habitual tension 

Forever armed

Because I can’t get used to this serenity.

No I can’t convince myself that I’m deserving of such quiescency 

such linear pace, consistent temperature

guarantee

For I don’t know when it’ll be taken away from me

When he’ll be taken away from me.