Twisted

I wrote this about 3 or 4 years ago

Sinful souls sucked inside,

The devils morbid, twisted mind

Spitting angels out because,

They are not, of his kind

I am not so lucky

Sucked inside the pit

Fire burning at my sides

The devils tongue, so full of wit
The devils eyes

So rich and wise

The way he looks

You shrink in size

Stuck inside this torture chamber

Pitchforks poking at my face

The fire at hells gates, burns away at rotted waste

The waste of us,

The human race!

 

Reviews

[The Mad Prophet]

Very creative, I enjoyed this one. You use color to describe your feeling at the moment of what you told. Something like that, anyway very well writen, very well done. Great job.

[doreen cyr]

I cannot critique your form or grammer but found this to be very powerful and a great read
doreen

[Emily Rose]

Although I can tell that you're style has developed a lot since you wrote this, there's a lot of skill in this poem. The rhymes are interesting and original and the conception of hell in a rhyming poem is lovely irony that I really enjoy. The singsongy feel the poem has from the rhyme is a sharp contrast to the subject matter, and that makes me giggle. I have a few punctuation edits to suggest, however, because you go a little comma-happy. I'm just going to copy and paste and make changes so you can look over them:

Sinful souls sucked inside (comma deleted)
The devil's morbid, twisted mind (apostrophe added)
Spits angels out because (wording changed, comma deleted)
They are not of his kind. (Period added)
I am not so lucky, (comma added)
Sucked inside the pit
With fire burning at my sides. ("with" added to the beginning, period added)
The devil's tongue, so full of wit, (apostrophe added, comma added)
The devil's eyes (apostrophe added)
So rich and wise - (dash added)
The way he looks, (comma added)
You shrink in size. (period added)
Stuck inside this torture chamber, (comma added)
Pitchforks poking at my face, (comma added)
The fire at hells gates, burns away at rotted waste: (colon added)
The waste of us,
The human race!

So yeah. That's how I would do it. Keep in mind that punctuation is a very personal thing, since it can change the feel and message of a poem, so my edits are just suggestions :-)

[Bryce Simonds]

The colors kept my attention at the beginning, but then the poem itself made me want to keep reading. I enjoyed the ending the most.
Good write.
Thanks for sharing.
-Bryce

[bailish]

This has a rhythmic driving beat that motivates the reader to continue. Excellent job.