Stars

Stars

A Story by Iris Jayne

                The sky was a big canvas of swirling colors that day. It was a fusion of purple, orange, pink and yellow above the vast blue carpet of ocean; the kind of which only existed in paintings. The sun was setting, but two kids still ran along the shore looking like they were having the time of their lives.

                ‘Come and get me, Nik!’ The boy shouted, running around in circles, stopping now and then.

                ‘But I’m tired!’ The girl groaned, standing on the shoreline, the water lapping in and out of her toes. ‘You’re a way faster runner than me!’ She complained.

                The boy laughed. ‘Aw, come on! You can,’ he insisted.

                The girl decided for a while, and then she started to chase him again. When she finally caught him, both of them giggled, and collapsed on the sand.

                ‘Look, Nik,’ said the boy, pointing ahead. ‘The sun’s dipping!’

                ‘Where will it go?’ asked the girl, staring at the horizon.

                ‘It will go to sleep,’ answered the boy confidently.

                ‘Really?’

                ‘Yeah. It gets tired hanging around up there all day.’

                They watched the sunset together quietly, the darkness enveloping everything like a big cloak, the sand rough and cold.

                The first star appeared before the sun had completely gone.

                The boy sprawled on his back and closed his eyes.

                ‘What are you doing?’

                But the boy didn’t answer. Instead, he grabbed the girl’s little hand and put it over his chest. ‘Listen,’ he ordered, sounding a bit puzzled himself.

                The girl put her head over his chest and listened. ‘Ryan! Your heart’s thumping so fast!’ she exclaimed in awe.

                ‘Yeah,’  said the boy. Almost a whisper, and also in amazement.

                The girl was quiet; she looked like she was thinking very hard.

                ‘You think it’s love?’ she asked the boy.

                But he was too busy looking up at the sky, now just plain inky blue, and splattered with a hundred stars. ‘One, two, three,’ he counted, ‘four, five, six, seven…’

                ‘My big sister told me all about it,’ the girl explained, ‘she said something about really fast thumping hearts.’

                ‘Eleven, twelve…I’ve never--thirteen, fourteen, sixteen--I’ve never heard of it…’

                ‘Hey! You missed fifteen!’ The girl laughed, it sounded like windchimes in the silence. She lied down beside the boy.

                ‘Seventeen, eighteen…hey, you smell nice,’ the boy commented, touching her hair.

                ‘It’s strawberry!’ the girl told him proudly, ‘It’s my new shampoo.’

                ‘Nice--oh hey! A falling star!’ the boy exclaimed.

                The girl looked up, and quickly closed her eyes.

                ‘What are you doing?’ the boy asked her.

                ‘Ssssh,’ she silenced him. ‘I’m making a wish,’ she said reverently.

                The boy quickly closed his eyes, too, and silently, they whispered their innocent desires to the star.

                The waves crashed the shore, the cold breeze gusted and whipped their hair, and the stars twinkled.

                The boy opened one eye and peeked at the girl, but she still had her eyes closed. He tentatively held her hand, and then closed his eyes once more.

                ‘Why are you holding my hand?’ the girl asked, her eyes still shut.

                ‘The star would hear better if we wished together,’ the boy said, grinning, and greatly pleased with himself for having come up with the idea.

                The girl smiled. ‘That’s nice.’

                 The leaves rustled, the sea looked mysterious, and their heartbeats filled the silence.

                ‘Is your heart still thumping?’

                The boy removed his hand from hers and felt his heart. ‘Yes.’

                ‘Then the love is still there,’ the girl told him knowingly. Then her own hand felt her heart, and she marveled at how her heart seemed to slam against her chest, as well. ‘Hey Ry, mine’s pounding wild, too!’

                ‘Wow,’ the boy murmured.

                The sand grinded beneath them, the sky watched from above, and the serenity shrouded the atmosphere.

                ‘One, two, three, four, five…’ the boy was counting again.

                The girl smiled, and then joined him, frequently prompting him of the few numbers the boy missed.

                They both remained there, their little fingers gliding through the portrait that was the sky. The waves crashed, the wind blew, the leaves rustled.

                And the stars hovered above, some falling, but most just blissfully glittering like diamonds.

 


© 2010 Iris Jayne



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Featured Review

I understand why this one won the short story contest. It's a sweet microcosm of childhood or first love which is the most pure form of love. Beautiful story.

My only criticism - and I just learned this one myself so I have to go through ALL of my stories now and fix it - is to get rid of all the busy attributives. Dialogue should be he said/she said, very rarely anything like 'muttered' or 'whispered'. Also, according to the article by Steve Almond in Writers Digest, readers read dialogue differently than the rest of the prose so dialogue sentences should just be: "Dilaogue," he said. In the next sentence, or the previous one, is where action should take place.

For example: ‘Listen,’ he ordered, sounding a bit puzzled himself. Should be: "Listen," he said. He sounded a bit puzzled himself.

Great story and Congratulations!

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Such a sweet story you've created. Your imagery i phenomenal and the story was so wonderfully innocent.

Posted 7 Years Ago


Such an innocent and beautiful story you've created here. I like the building of the two characters, secretly admiring each other yet keeping it innocent, and not wanting to break into the awkward silence, so instead they just hold hands and be it that way. It's so sweet and I really like this writing a lot, as if I'm swimming in the fairy tale instead. Keep it going :)


Posted 7 Years Ago


This truly is very sweet. I love the little details that add to the feeling of wonder and childhood--strawberry shampoo, sounds like wind chimes.

One minor thing--I think that "lied down" should be 'lay down'.

Posted 7 Years Ago


I understand why this one won the short story contest. It's a sweet microcosm of childhood or first love which is the most pure form of love. Beautiful story.

My only criticism - and I just learned this one myself so I have to go through ALL of my stories now and fix it - is to get rid of all the busy attributives. Dialogue should be he said/she said, very rarely anything like 'muttered' or 'whispered'. Also, according to the article by Steve Almond in Writers Digest, readers read dialogue differently than the rest of the prose so dialogue sentences should just be: "Dilaogue," he said. In the next sentence, or the previous one, is where action should take place.

For example: ‘Listen,’ he ordered, sounding a bit puzzled himself. Should be: "Listen," he said. He sounded a bit puzzled himself.

Great story and Congratulations!

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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6 Reviews
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Shelved in 1 Library
Added on May 12, 2010
Last Updated on May 13, 2010
Tags: love, true love, sweet, sunset, stars

Author

Iris Jayne
Iris Jayne

Candon, Philippines



About
Sometimes I think I babble too much. more..

Writing
Love. Love.

A Poem by Iris Jayne