Unsolved puzzle

Unsolved puzzle

A Poem by itsmenabs

I felt like a thousand breezes came my way

You came like a gust of fresh air

A sudden relief consumed me

And sent thrilling shivers down my spine.


Your virtual presence had overwhelmed me

Those woven dreams and romantic scenes

Played a mysterious movie in my head

Finally, your looks to sit in place.


It seems as though my heart came to a halt

As I finally fixed my eyes onto your photograph

The background dissolves into a blur.

The only thing remaining was your captivating self.


Although I had never even caught a glimpse of you before

An unknown desire started to fill my hopes

I began to stop concentrating on all the others out there

And made the quick fire decision to make you mine


I know we haven’t met yet

But I believe when we do, I will feel like my dreams have come true

I longed for that sense of connection

Where reality fades away and everything starts blooming


I hope my unsolved puzzle has an ending

Without even knowing you there is so much love I am sending


© 2017 itsmenabs



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Most gladly read, here we find a piece of poetry that exalts romantic fantasies and explore passion in a moment of waiting. I had previously stated that you were not fully using your potentials as a poet; well, now you're beginning to press proper keys :)
this time, you plunged the pen deeply into your emotional experience and you used different retorical figures that have emproved the final result. Fo instance iperboles (exageration in perception: 'thousand breezes'), similitudes (similarity between different elements: 'like a gust of fresh air'), oxymorons (clashing elements on the same period: 'consumed by relief') etc.
You go through all the first steps of falling in love and you do clearly, highlighting the beauty and longing of waiting for someone to reply. You make us lieve those terrible moments, when love becomes a black hole: an absence that absorb and devour everything else. And indeed almost each word is linked with cognitive sphere of passion. In common with other pieces I recognize a outstanding frankness in using the words and explaining your thoughs. I have some doubts regarding the metrics and I'd just like to give you this little and negligible suggestion: if you want to undesrtand when it's time to go to the next line, in a poem, try to figure it out how could it be reading it loudly, with passion proportional to the meaning of the words. If you are going out of air, than it's the moemnt to break the line. People tends to focus their attention (without noticing) at the very end of each line: try it on yourself, you'll discover you're waiting for the end of the line to 'visualize' the true meaning of those words. That's it: it is a 'bug' of human brain and if appropriately exploited, may give you the power to get in touch with the reader. Now, I'm telling you that because I believe some verses are longer than they should be, spoiling the tension fo the 'last word' at the end of the line. For instance: 'But I believe when we do, I will feel like my dreams have come true'. Don't be afraid of breaking the rule of quatrains, of iambic or rochaic pentameter: try and arrange lines following the idea of focusing in the last word the most important passage. Or if yiu want to create a sensne of growing expectance, place it purposely at the beginning of the following line (which is usually called 'enjambement').
Anyway, suggestions aside, the poem sounds definitely more intense and charming and I belive you're moving in the right direction. Go on like that

Posted 1 Week Ago


itsmenabs

1 Week Ago

I will take into consider ur suggestions and try and write better next time, I really appreciate ur .. read more
I am not great at writing reviews, but i can tell you that you are can write so well . Keep it up

Posted 1 Week Ago


itsmenabs

1 Week Ago

Thanks dear :)

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Added on December 4, 2017
Last Updated on December 4, 2017

Author

itsmenabs
itsmenabs

United Kingdom



About
23 yrs old.....Seeking peace, love and happiness# my hobby is writing.. more..

Writing
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A Poem by itsmenabs